5 Minutes to Go Time

Typing on my TV. Which is SO MUCH COOLER I guess than typing looking at a computer screen.

Maybe I’ve always loved TV screens better than computer monitors. Especially modern computer monitors, especially modern computer laptops. I swear-to-god they put some supersonic fucked up shit that is meant to fuck with your eyes and your mind and energies, i hate it. ANYWAYS…..

Leaped back into World of Warcraft Classic. It’s all the rage, and if you read this, check it out 🙂

But watch out for the addictive side. Massively addicting. I still don’t know enough about dopamine hits, but I have walked the path for a long time of battles VS cigarettes, alcohol, porn, coffee (I think that about covers the addictions? Dat fuckin coffee addiction is NUTS).

I can’t knock the WoW (World of Warcraft) addiciton quite yet – this game for a long time has been one of my sole anticipations, one of the sole things that when I thought about it, I would get excited, and I experience some quality fun and great times playing with my close family. I have literally thought on several occasions that “Wouldn’t that be strangely what-the-fuck weird if WoW almost single-handedly brought me out of my depression?”

It’s not a too far-fetched thought – if it distracts my mind from the negative, and then I move on to other shit….could help to overright some negative thought patterns.

NOT SURE THO. Cause addictions.

Have to be careful. Still monitoring the situation closely. The *worst* part of this addiction is that it is TIED to family….I.E. I can’t *quit* the addiction without not playing with them. The other ones seemed like a solo affair.

Fun to write on the TV. 🙂 Not doing both Coffee and WoW should help. Coffee is on the downswing. Crazy shit.

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Composing and Streaming

The following was composed on or about August 18, 2019 while playing with doing live streaming on the mixer.com website. Thinking about streaming has been annoying me, because I’m generally technologically adverse and sensitive, but still I am loving this idea of ‘writing and speaking at the same time.’

Also, this is the edited version. I’m still learning how to enjoy and appreciate the process of reviewing and editing works. Finding lots of sweetness in it – it’s almost like I can write a block of shit text, and then delete different pieces for it to come out feeling a little like poetry.

**Double Bonus** The editing process MAY help me get closer to learning about and understanding myself…

—————————————————–

The sound of my voice through the mic.

Sweet harmony.  Amercan pie.

Fuck you Yeti and the blinking light.

(Because The MIC effect has *nothing* to do withYeti)

defunct cable, suck my dick. Straight outta da box.

Blue Snowbal. FREEDOM.

Freedom for Frosty.  Freedom for fucking Frosty.j

(Frosty tits?)

Don’t forget, most times you are streaming to dudes.  BUT..you really don’t know who will be watching, but someone will.  That is going to be interesting, especially as you stream this work that you are doing right now.

Pretty girls -going back to college.

August 10, 2019 Morning Meditation and Wisdom

3:07pm

Right now I think I am walking this edge of ‘staying focused with the arena I have built up this morning,’ versus the slight pull in the direction of fear, mindlessness, and distraction.  

What is working to my benefit right now is that the way forward, the tasks that I have slowly been accumulating, are helping me to stay focused in the direction of the mindset and energy that I have begun playing with since I arose from my morning nap around 11am this morning.  

(The first time I woke up around 7:30am, I stayed up for a little bit, but ultimately wanted to go back to bed, listening to Zack Hemsey’s “I Can Get It Back” – which curiously seeped into my dream awareness – and when I awoke, I just laid in bed for a while not wanting to get out of bed.  I rotated and flexed my ankles in bed for a while, stretching them out, and I think this helped ease the strain in my calf muscles from my preparatory running expeditions I have been training in.  

The lying in bed upon awakening is a strange thing to look at in and of itself, because part of me thinks it is an awful form of depression, of everything in the world seeming like too much and I’ll never go anywhere or move or do anything, but ultimately I seem to get out of bed eventually at some time, so here I must conclude that ofttimes these lying in bed sessions [when I have the time] are rather appropriate responses in respecting those parts of myself that want to lie in bed.  Add to this the fact that I do have the strong tendency to blow everything up in my life as ‘large permanent states.’  What I mean by ‘large permanent states’ is that my mind gets locked into the large perception that I am trapped in this way of being, and that it will never change, and making any step in any positive direction of taking care of something is not enough.  [I’m pretty sure this has to do with my Mercury conjunct Jupiter conjunct Neptune in my Astrological Chart].  What generally helps me best get out of these states is the conscious reminder to myself of something along the lines of: “You literally don’t have to do anything other than be prepared to go into work on Monday afternoon” (and for this particular story, today, the time is around 12pm ish Saturday).  Thus you can get an idea of where my mental-emotional state gets locked into conjuring up all of these things that I think I have to do, likely adding a lot of pressure and weight to my non-physical bodies, [thereby subtly affecting my physical body to some degree]).

I can’t say to what degree the fifteen minute meditation method from the book “Believe It, Think It, Achieve It” by Sidney McCartney…

I did this meditation pretty much the first thing after affirming to myself that I didn’t have to do anything other than be to work by Monday afternoon –

…helped with my current focus and work, but consciously I have to assume it had far more a powerful effect than I presently consciously realize.  

(Haha…isn’t that funny, how part of me “consciously affirms that it likely had far more influence on me than I consciously recognize.”  I can’t analyze this statement right now because for me that is another form of distraction, but it does feel like a statement highly worth analyzing in greater detail – I.e. it looks like a rather powerful awareness.  But it is a distraction [for me personally] because my mind comes up with that kind of shit all the time]).  

The Moon is presently in Sagittarius, my 1st House, so this current work here and flow isn’t all that surprising.  The workings of Astrology in this way use to piss me off, but maybe I am making a little more peace with it now.

I think this is a fair place to close down the writing, and move over to practicing some of my speech and voice skills with some video recordings.  

Thanks for reading.

P.S.  To add a little note about he music entering the dream, it’s so fascinating the way that works, because in the dream, I’ll try to remove all sorts of headphones or do whatever I can to get the music to stop so I can hear in the dream, but it never works, like when you pee a lot in the dream, but you still have to go.  I am so curious by this blending of worlds…*maybe* there is a way to take just the next step and get the music to wake me up within the dream for some lucid dreaming…at the very least, it is very “Inception”-like (the movie with Leonardo Dicaprio).  I have not yet tried this out with music *timers* or cues, so the music stops of its own accord eventually, or maybe starts and stops…might be worth playing with if I can structure it into my lifestyle in the midst of my ADHD-like personality and way of being.

P.P.S.  See, if you’ll look at the start of the third bracket, I put a ( to indicate I was going off on a side-story or tangent, and upon re-reading it, l finally added the end ).  SEE HOW FAR MY TANGENTS AND DISTRACTIONS CAN TAKE ME?!  EVEN IF THEY ARE INTERESTING, lol…fuuuuckckkk…..

August 5, 2019 Self Talk While Chopping Watermelon

(The following is a transcript I recorded of speaking to myself while chopping watermelons on August 5, 2019, around 9:00pm).

(*background meditation music with bells and chimes*)

Alright, we are recording now.  Live, with the Daniel in the Evening Show.  Pulling out some water.  Ice cubes.  To drink, and already feeling resistance, feeling resistance using my voice in this manner.  Because,  maybe because…does it just feel awkward?  Does it feel unnecessary?  Does it feel wrong?  Does it feel wrong doing it?  

Anyways, about to cut this watermelon here.  And the wrongness is not a factor because we are just warming up.  We are just practicing.  And focus now, bringing the focus now and cutting up this watermelon, and bringing the focus back to the notion that “A Solution Exists.”  A solution exists.  That is what I would like to talk about.  And stay in that realm of thought, and conversation for a while, and direct energy over there, because I am not satisfied, I am not satisfied with just allowing…um…continuing…let’s see what words we would use…this notion that, uh, that negative mentality…of everything being like that, and continuing on like that…this endless cycle of exhaustion and then repeat.  

So, let’s say that you don’t have to feel exhausted upon, upon leaving work, you don’t have to feel exhausted in the evening.  (*chop chop* noises).  Oh and this watermelon could take some time to slice.  That’s ok.  Slicing it into chunks, because that seemed like a good idea.  Easily snackable chunks.  Easily snackable chunks – just putting them in a ziploc baggie here.  

Um….the thoughts just drifted back to work (after a long pause of speech with only some chopping and moving sounds of the watermelon), and with that being said, you know, oh here we go – this is kinda fun to talk about.  

Ok I have been working at and dickering around with the idea of Twitch streaming and I guess that would be not so different, not so different than what I am doing right now.  Especially if we took the analogy of turning Life into a Game, then the Twitch broadcasting flows right there with it.  Right there with it.

And so the work, uh, I would love to have that not be exhausting.  And there could be a solution for that too.  Uh…a solution exists. And right now as I speak those words, and right now for the first time since starting this recording session, I am aware of my voice and the words I am saying…Isn’t that fascinating?!  (*Voice begins to pick up in earnest, motivation, changes tone from flat to more inspired*)  

That’s super fascinating.  Let’s see.  We’re at 7 minutes and 35 seconds, and in that time, just now, after seven minutes and thirty-five seconds, I am finally consciously aware of my voice and my speech.  

How crazy is that?  How crazy.  And that’s good, see.  Here’s another good thing that I would love to mention right now.  Is that I started this whole piece quite awkward.  Rewind it to the very beginning, and you’ll see how I was feeling like “What the fuck am I doing?”  You’ll see how I was just recording and was just going to push through and call it a warmup, and it is exactly just what the fuck that was, and so, right now, maybe, and you can hear I am starting to get a little more artistic and emotional with my speech here, and this is fuckin’ fantastic, this is good shit.  I am starting to enjoy this – even if we are not staying on a perfect topic, these ideas are still floating around this space and the ether for example, for example I remember how we started with a solution exists, that he does not have to be exhausted getting off work, and one of the examples that I had for that was a weird one, I say weird because it seems weird in my mind, of playing Final Fantasy 6 when he gets off work, some kind of continued process, of movin to the next step, moving to the next stage, and this, and this uh…that was a good idea and in and of itself, and we want to give a little hooti hoot energy too, and stay there a little bit.

And I’ll tell you what, what is so cool what I’m doing right now, what I’m doing righ now is so cool because of what I’m not doing right now, and what I’m not doing right now is not allowing mindless chatter to go on in my mind.  I am not allowing that.  I am dis-allowing that.  And that is a bare minimum of what is going on right now.  Of course there is meditation music in the background and we are chopping watermelons, but what also is going on right now is playing with conscious voice and every once in a while, for example right now when I said every once in a while, becoming aware of my own voice and how I am speaking these things.

So the awareness that I am using is shifting between the ideas I am playing with, versus shifting to how I am manipulating my voice.  Not quite that so much, but more observing and hearing the words come out of my mouth as I am speaking them.  And for now I think I am going to rest this speech, and I may pick it up again in a second.  

But we’ve reached 12 and a half minutes, and that’s badass.  I’m going to put this whole transcript of recording on my blog.

August 1, 2019 Stream of Consciousness

(The below is from a journal entry of August 1, 2019, while I was initially waiting for the bus. I continued for most of my bus ride home, roughly about an hour-ish. Then as I concentrated, I began to feel panicky, tried some deep breaths, but came out of it as I was working more on some controlled breaths, leading to a cool powerful conclusion)


6:35pm: Speech Writing.

That is the stuff I’m talking about! Pizza and speech writing and a movie? It all seems to be a bit much for tonight, does it not, Sir?

The movie could have to do with the Leo Moon energies … and the Dicaprio film was a possibility, but as he heard, the whispery echo reverberate from his speech writing, he began to relax.

And he knew that everything was going to be ok,

as he began to understand what it means to let go

and enjoy an unfolding new direction of what conscious creation entails.

Long has the curiosity held him of whether or not he was creating the tension with his longings of wanting it now, and straining too hard with forces he isn’t yet familar.

En route back to home base, he keeps his wits about him without constraint, but adopting more of the Tiger energy … Not afraid to harness that energy,

because it seems that ofttimes the second he “tries to focus” on something, the panicky force comes around.

… is he, by his campfire, afraid of his own mind, of falling into that mental chatter that pulls him down into despair?

Remain with the Tiger.

Get that breath control down … it seems important to avoid the panic.

Tiger’s Breath.

A fighter’s breath

… and the breath has helped you to stay present when facing that addictive pull of video games.

your breath has helped you to keep an even keel

when sailing the ship,

and navigating [not treachurous, but high adventurous waters] seas filled with sparkling luring treasures of awesomeness, but also lots of icebergs, and debris of pain from the ships of previous voyages,

of previous attempts to fly.

[The crazy wild pirate would help you out infinitely there…

HA! It’s good to be cautious and careful, it’s better to be courageous than cautious … but still it’s best to be crazy.

A tempered crazy … yes … Now breathe;

it seems yes like Mercury is full underway direct,

and praise be the gods may they shine down their assistance (is there a god who is the patron saint of angels?)

and tie in our willingness to go full speed ahead without looking back the other way, because ultimately it does not matter WHEN WE PLAY THE LONG GAME and maintain lookout and sights on the BIGGER PICTURE, because the ping pong of your decisions and the confidence you build in making decisions and trust in yourself to make decisions as you proceed forward as you press onward.

Steady as she goes.

NOT like the Titanic.

Thank you Jack Dawson.

P.S. Finding out how coffee withdrawls led to depressive-like symptoms has increased my resolve to rid myself of this addiction. The other day when I celebrated saying goodbye to coffee, I was whistling the Christmas tune Ben Afleck does at the end of the great movie Reindeer Games.

July 29, 2019 Note from Journal Entry

Yesterday I wrote a page in my notebook that I thought about putting to the blog. I wrote it while out for a walk at Seaside, one of my favorite beaches. It was done in a more observational, reflective tone with lots of pause and space in between. Also I think it’s relevant to add that the tone [or lens of perception] I wrote in was “sad & depressing.”


July 28, 2019

6:08pm: I found the perfect little secluded place to watch the ocean.

Someone has done some good work here – it reminds me of Tom Cruise’s cabin in Oblivion.

Pretty little fat bumblebee wandering on the bush.

I don’t want to go back to Portland.

I wanted to write: “How the fuck am I supposed to write without coffee, cigarettes, and alcohol?”

Not that I ever wanted to be a writer. I’m not quite sure how I fell into doing it, but it does seem like he became quite reliant on those written words.

So much of the journey, and guidance from spirit still seems to indicate that it should be easy and that I keep fucking up.

I really like this spot.

July 23, 2019 Bus and Bridges

Today was pretty decent. During the late afternoon, I blamed the decency on the Astrological lineup of <Sun trine Moon>. I’ve been noticing that whenever that occurs, things are generally setup for some pleasantness (at least for me – but that seems like it would be a ‘generalized pleasentness’ for possibly a majority).

One good thing was my afternoon quasi-nap. Might have dozed a little bit, but I also lied in bed for some time allowing my mind to quiet more. It may be a longer process than I generally appreciate, and it could be the case that falling prey to addictive behaviors for a day or two (or longer) may take more than a day for the effects to wear off.

Just like nicotine withdrawls. Haha maybe for the first time I could say “I am thankful for experiencing quitting smoking repeatedly to experience what a nicotine withdrawl is like,” because I’m pretty sure it may just be relatedly similar to any kind of “addictive behavior withdrawl,” and from my perspective, the ‘instant gratification’ push and ‘addiction society’ continues to try to leap forward, but it will only be able to go so far without a major crash.

I saw the cute coffee girl on my bus ride and walk. I stopped by and crossed over a neat-o bridge and took a photo with a caption I added: “man i sure do love bridges. definitely dont spend enough time hanging out with them.”

Found a good children’s book called “A Snicker of Magic” or something like that. Seems legit. Read more of “Unfettered Mind” which has some very good mental strategies, and I think even a section that looks very much like it’s talking about Manifestation and laws of Karma, which is neat considering supposedly how old the book is, and from a Zen Master.

Let’s finish this scattered post by advocating that we continue to stay away from distractive / addictive behavior. And continue to push for the belief that I can play Classic Wow without the addiction lol, and get more into my defined phrase of “Imaginative Practice.”

Cause Imagination is more important than knowledge. Einstein said so, and I agree with much curiosity. Understatement.

P.S. If there are any continued readers, I want to add especial for you that some of my posts may be chaotic, but right now my intention with the blog is almost purley quantity over quality, because I want to build the habit of ‘write write write’ with some consistency. Don’t know why I feel compelled to add that, but at the very least it is a good note for my self. 🙂

July 21, 2019 Exhausted and then coffee

Fairly pleasant Pisces Moon today (23 degrees right now), but holy fuck did I ever wake up exhausted.  Woke up at 7am.  Wasn’t until about noon at Denny’s that I was telling the cashier that I woke up exhausted at 7am and it was only about now, noon, that I was starting to wake up (and this after a big glass of coffee, or 1.5 glasses).  Now I note the discussion was pretty fun because he didn’t seem to care too much, which I do want to get better at enjoying talking someone’s ear off when they don’t care to listen.  I think it could grow into an incredible art form (as opposed to me keeping silent and afraid to express anything).

Even though exhausted, I was pretty proud of myself for not trying too hard to generate some energy for ________ [nothing].  IT’S OK TO JUST BE EXHAUSTED.  The big win came when I told myself “Hey dawg, you don’t really have to do anything except be at work by 2:30pm tomorrow, and do some Core today.”  That’s generally a pretty positive thought, the “You don’t really have to be doing anything,” except taking care of my back, because that seems to require constant conscious attention and focus.

…well also keeping up with the conscious attention and focus, because that can easily slide in negative directions too….

ANYWAYS…Did a great hike yesterday to recover from the failed attempt at festival camping.  That fuckin’ hurt.  I found Ape Cave tho, a place near Mt. St. Helen’s, which is a pretty volcano.  Nice area, stumbled upon a few magical glades.  The cave was awesome, and was even very ok doing it solo because there were many other tourists in the cave trekking through the longness, so it kind of felt like we were all on sort of a quasi-team.  Which would be neat if it were more like that for humanity.

If we could adopt the mindset and mentality more that we are all just trekking through this dark cave together carrying small flashlights or lanterns or wearing headlamps.

P.S.  I forget that I am still very much in recovery I think, from how much of a disaster the festival seemed like.

July 15, 2019 The Unfettered Mind Go Go Go

I’m recording a video for potential youtube use at the same time that I am writing in this blog and eating a pizza.  So you could this a transcript, but I am also curious to see where it goes.

Because in the past, I have often times very much enjoyed typing as I was focused on something else other than the words on the screen.  For example, I am now looking at my facial expression and actually I’m looking pretty sexy, almost like a Matthew Mcconahay (spelled that wrong) who just got out of the shower.

Very fucking refreshing shower it was too, because after my shift at Trackers, I was feeling fucked up again, in the head, hating on Portland and the Trackers job and anyone who i feel like i have to tap-dance my speech and self expression around because i may not be using their preferred words or behavior.  But shit……let me bow out of that direction and speech for now.

 

What I did want to talk about more importantly was the autopilot mode i’ve been on….ok I just finished the 5 minute video.  Eating pizza and talking and trying to type was becoming a little too much, but the top may be like a transcript.

I did lose a little focus in what I wanted to talk about, but I sort of finished the video with an intention, so I’ll finish this post with an intention.  Daniel…don’t lose yourself to hating on Portland because of some of the frustrations you experience with things like traffic, with things like some (or even if it’s many) of the people you have encountered.  You *could* even just look at it as the initial hurdles one has to get over when moving to a new place…like running the gauntlet in a fraternity.

Because this place of Portland *could* be fucking awesome.  You love the street lights.  You love the mornings and evenings, many of the parks, and the bridges.  There is still a lot of potential here, so please please please don’t lose yourself to the things that you are not liking.  Also anyone reading this of the physical or non-physical variety that could offer support or encouragement, I’d love to receive it.

Thank you.  /Bow.

March onward, Heroes, X-Men, etc.  You fucking rockstars.

P.S.  I did want to mention that where I currently am is really neat relative (generally my life fucking sucks so I stress *relative* here) compared to the last post, because i have been going more in the route of small choices and a more automated pace of go go go without much thought.  Similar to the “Unfettered Mind,” a Zen book that I was flipping through today.

P.P.S.  In addition to what I said above about Portland, it does seem to be a reoccurring pattern of mine is that I will go somewhere kinda neat or start something cool, and I’ll just focus on the shitty aspects until I hate the place and then want to move on.  I’m not quite sure how to change this, but it does seem like a very important battle of my life.

 

July 8, 2019 Small Simple Choices

Small choices that are very simple is one thought I woke up with, but now I am almost uninterested in writing about it.

One thing about it that he wants to emphasize is this willingness to go into the unknown with little preparation “to see what happens.”  I have found that attitude to be most helpful as opposed to thinking that I need to do a whole bunch of stuff “to get ready” for something.  I want to include the quote here about “acting from a basic plan is better than not acting from a master plan,” or something like that, I don’t really remember how it goes, but whatever.  These small simple choices also support my ability to pursue reckless commitment, and retain flexibility.

 

P.S.  As I was typing this up, I think the quote is more along the lines of “a good plan today is better than a great plan tomorrow.”  Which may or may not actually support the idea I was focusing on.