Life and Dreams

…aaaaaand as I posted this morning, I glanced over my previous post from September…that bit about the dream where I was on a road trip to North Carolina and didn’t know WTF I was doing…

 

YEAH…that’s what’s going on NOW.  hahhhahahah

*I shit you not people, how life works, how dreams work…fucking crazy shit* 

(…welcome to my world…)

But the bit about mom following me…yeah probably “spiritual mom” or relates to my mom back home thinks about me a lot, follows me ‘in spirit.’  Either way I think is good…probably both.

Life and dreams have multiple layers of meaning.

I guess.

Lol.

Thoughts of Early Morning

(*author’s note* The Below is some stuff I was going through in the wee early morning hours 4am of 9/21/2017…AFTER I got out of bed…and I decided to post this based on one of my reasonings below…)

Some fuckin’ dream…about that I wanted to road trip to the North Carolina, but I didn’t know what the fuck I was going to do there.

 

And mom was going to follow me.  And I didn’t like that one bit.  (And now my gaze is drifted toward a can that says “Slap ya mama.”)—–if I become OK with weird or ‘evil’ or ‘mean’ looking thoughts, will that help open my mind to more ways of thinking?  EX – imagining slapping my mama?——

 

The thoughts as I tossed and turned in bed were fucking annoyingly painful (not real pain, but annoying annoying angry stupid shit), UNTIL I DECIDED TO TAKE COMMAND.

 

Then they quieted down and the only thing that echoed was my resounding conscious thoughts(‘Echo’ is the wrong word here, because actually there was no echo, just me slowly booming my directives)……..was I really *wanting* an Echo?  As if I were “wanting some kind of response?”  Wanting to get a reaction?  Reaction seeking? 

 

But another annoying thing in bed was how much it seemed I am just a ball of negativity, like…am I so feeling and thinking so negative so much of the time?

 

Also, after I read H’s text, I thought it best to ignore her.  (and not “her” specifically, but if someone says something I don’t like, then I don’t have to fucking respond).  Although the other fun idea (not with H’s text, but fun idea that popped up), the other fun idea was:

I can create a response I want to say.”

 

——————————————————————————————-

AND SOMEHOW PARTS OF ME THINKS THAT IS LESS HONEST THAN AUTOMATED “SAYING FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND???”

——————————————————————————————

                (Somehow, in some weird way…the *above* almost seems to imply it would be a *good*               practice to write for an audience…because then you are *more actively choosing responses* and       *choosing what you want to put out there*)

At least the forecast for the Full Moon coming up ‘seemed awright.’  And looking at the Astrology, there’s this reminder I guess of “You’re going through some shit…take it easy, dawg.  However you’re feeling is OK.”

 

Going Easy on Yourself ———-VS———*NOT* settling for this shithole life

                                                                                                …this shithole “attitude.” 

WHAT IS IT? 

———————————————————————————–

ANYWAYS…there *does* seem to be some sort of a shift, at least in the smallest recognizable way, of choosing things *not* because “I think it will get somewhere on the quest,”

but because “I don’t fucking feel like being that way,” or “I fucking feel like doing it, so I’m gonna do it.”  

                FOR EX.  Choosing to FIGHT, or CONSCIOUSLY DIRECT MY THOUGHTS, *NOT* to achieve some END, but because I’d rather FIGHT than WHINE/BITCH

                                I’d rather DIRECT my thoughts than listen to them run their fuckin’ mouths

————————————————————————————–

 

LET’S STOP HERE AND REFLECT/REVIEW.  NO NEED TO ADD TO ALL THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW.

 

P.S.  Ok, one last thing…still curious on focusing on this idea of “What would it be like to let go of the past?”  (And I noticed how focusing on that, or at least remembering that key phrase, that almost *poof* eliminated any annoying thought that came up, because they were hauntings of the past)

 

OK STOP TIME

Daniel…*don’t listen to anyone else’s perspective on what courage looks like, or what niceness is, or any of that other nonsensical bullshit.*  Because:

  1. A) They’re probably fucking wrong
  2. B) You’re playing a much different game than them.

 

 

“Until I decided to Take Command of this shithole attitude.”

Perception and Subconscious Programming

I have decided to forego the article on planning for the time being because

a) I was a chaotic wreck on the Taurus Full Moon because (I thought) I had a million choices to choose from and I couldn’t decide on shit, so I ran abouts like a chicken with head cut off, or that chicken from Mohana.

b) You can’t really plan when your mind is shit.

Thus, on my drive home this last weekend, I had three major insights I quickly memorized and grew to love (at least insights for me)


  1.  Create with curiosity.  *NOT* by “desperately trying.”
  2. If it looks like hard yuck work you wish to accomplish, then you’re in the wrong mindset or you’re looking too big (which is also a part of the wrong mindset).
  3. (AND FOR ME, THE MOST IMPORTANT) The longer you FOCUS on something, the better it goes in your subconscious.

#3 came about because I was trying to memorize #1 and #2 on the drive, because I had nothing to write with initially.  Some (or all) of these points may seem straightforward to you, but let me explain the *power* (at least for me, the way my theorizing goes).

 

Earlier in the day, I’d been memorizing lines for my French presentation, so that I could recall what I was going to say during our awesome performance.

What is going on when, as a student, you are memorizing information?  (Something, up until now, I have been LOATHE to do…in fact, I advocated “writing shit down so I WOULDNT HAVE to remember…”).  Essentially, it seems like you are putting conscious information into some realm of your subconscious to be drawn forth later.

So…”the longer you focus on something, the better it goes into your subconscious.”  The more you study, the better you remember, etc.  (And of course feel free to add in any splice of “studying tactic” that helps put things deeper down, whatever).

BUT WTF ARE WE CONTINUALLY FOCUSING ON IN OUR DAY TO DAY???


Next major point…if you have ever studied the Greek/Roman Philosophy of Stoicism (it’s awesome, give it a shot!), there’s a lot of talk about “what’s IN our control, and what’s NOT in our control.”  After the first time I went to Stoic Camp (3rd time’s a charm this May 15th!), I began to wonder:

What if all of my actions were out of my control?

Modern Psychology seems to give evidence to this point…if you have ever heard of those experiments that show “People make a decision BEFORE they are aware they made the decision.”

Thus, my line of thinking went “Well shit…if most of me is autonomous, then maybe I should focus my efforts on programming myself how I want to be.

The MOST RECENT evidence I came to within myself for this came along with point #3…

HOW MUCH OF THE SYSTEMS IN YOUR BODY ARE AUTONOMOUS?  Blood pumping, erections, getting wet (hell yeah you know I can’t NOT add some sexual shit hahhah), nerves firing, etc.  So if our physical body is MOSTLY AUTONOMOUS, why wouldn’t the rest of our perceived world be mostly autonomous too?

With our FOCUS…how much do you think you could REALLY OPERATE without autonomous systems?  Seems to me ye can only FOCUS on one thing at a time (unless you’re some awesome magical Sage, whereas rumor has it those guys can split their physical forms in two or some shit….).


Ok NEXT POINT, and then this shit all ties together.

Physical reality…is STILL just PERCEPTION.  The perception you get from your senses, and your mind’s interpretation, etc.

What if this MATTER…is you could say just “structurally MORE SOLID” than thoughts?  Imagination, flights of fancy, etc.?  Especially, if it’s all just energy?  Couldn’t it be just a “more solidified, more ingrained” version of thought?  Created from the subconscious?  More rigidly ingrained in the subconscious?


SO……..in tying it all together:

If you want to change your life, ya go with the shit you hear all the time about “change your inner world, change your perception,” but they don’t fucking tell you HOW.

For me, it starts with these THREE POINTS…and then spending as much time focusing, creating, STRUCTURING AND SOLIDIFYING ideas/thoughts I would PREFER, and then LET THE SUBSCONSCIOUS and AUTOMATIC SYSTEMS do their work…

(The trick here, at least for me…is it’s kind of catch 22…because I think I have to enjoy/want more the pictures/images in my head and NOT CARE how the physical turns out…definitely some fine tuning and shit…)


FINAL NOTE – this is all just my own theorizing, shit I’ve been working here and there for the past few years, but I am adamant that life can be enjoyable, and not a miserable fucking mess.  lol.  Take what of this you will, but if you have something to add, I’d love to hear about it.  Until them, I’ll be working on meditating/memorizing these 3 points, among a *few* others (And BONUS with the memorizing them…it helps slow down my thoughts…which is generally ALWAYS a good thing, HAR!)

How My Mind Works When I’m Restless But Ok

(The following is me sitting in acoffee shop….for about an hour, hour 15 min.?  Today was crazy, not in “shit happened crazy” but “energetically crazy” as in, “I NEED TO DO SHIT BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO” which is quite often where I am…but….well just read it slowly…..because I WROTE IT SLOWLY….that’s how it was meant).  Essentially, this is as close as you may get to inside my mind and how it works, when im focused on being aware).

—————————————————————————————————————————-

 

Q: What does your heart say?

 

(Is it as simple as: “Whatever you create with your thoughts, do it with love?”)

 

Q: Are you ok Daniel?

 

I’m FINE (said in an angry voice). 

 

What does it feel like?

 

Like…there’s something I *should* be doing…but I don’t know what…

 

Are you ok with not *shoulding* on yourself?

 

Yes…maybe…but I *wonder* if the NOT CREATING is the reason I’m restless like this…

 

But YOU DON’T KNOW THAT, right?  That is your assumption?

 

True…

 

I’m with you Daniel.

 

Thank you.

 

I wonder what she’s doing right now…

 

(Funny how that was kind of a nice thought, but then there were whispers that said “don’t worry about her!”  But…why not?  If that thought is pleasant?)

 

I wish I knew how I worked.

 

What if you did?

 

GOOD JOB on not going destructive.

 

Let’s go observer mode.

 

OK!

 

A part of you seems to be *scrambling*

(Which part?)

BECAUSE…I think we had this thought earlier…if you TRULY ARE IN COMMAND…THEN YOU CAN choose to sit here at the table in peace.

HAHA

 

The scrambling part…it’s got to be the one that thinks “Gotta do some shit!”

(…even though I KNOW it is best to NOT do shit, unless you do it out of LOVE)

 

This is why we take the cold showers…to see how it’s ok for the *scrambling* to take place…

 

I wonder if this is like when all that shit attacked the Buddha…and he sat there in his peace…

 

DARK HORSE!!!  Listening to music is actually quite awesome.

 

(Are we getting comfortable with this energy?  Instead of running from it?)

 

I’m calming down…and now “Sexy Back” is playing….HAHAHAHA……maybe I AM bringing “Sexy” (Me) back……

 

I think it IS good to go home tomorrow…the weather won’t be terrible.  And I think you’ll be more relaxed at home.  It’ll be really nice to see Heather I think.  As long as you keep your cool.

 

Ready for a chapter in “Game?”  haha.  After ALL, Daniel…we are NOT needing to *create create create!* haahhahhah……….NOT UNTIL WE HAVE OUR CENTER!!!!

 

(“Disturbia” – “feels like I’m going insane, yeah!”  hahhahahhahha I KNEW there was a reason I loved this song.)

 

“A disease of the mind, it can control you!”    LOLZ  fuuuuuuuuck THIS SONG……

 

***BONUS HINT for you fuckers (the readers)……..THERE IS A GOOD REASON FOR WHY YOU LOVE THE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE…….pay attention and get curious about it.

 

9:42pm  Now I’m maybe getting a little buzzed.  2nd beer and trollin’ some facebook, but it’s FUN.  Is DARK HORSE really on again?  Or was it a different song earlier?

 

9:43pm  OK….OMG it was E.T…….those songs ARE familiar so, please forgive me.  And as I thumbed through the songs I have listened to, I WANT to say “Fock…..time has SLOWED DOWN!”  But….I forgot I took a few minutes to troll facebook with the evil clown from Saw….hahahah.

 

10:05pm  Ok now I have to pee….let’s post this transcript.  BECAUSE!!!!!

Prelude to “Planning for Dreamers”

Fuck yesterday.

Started out o.k. humpty dumpty.  Made it to the coffee shop to work on my life’s blueprint.  The gorgeous coffee girl who gives great personal attention was there.  Saw an old co-worker friend there from oh about 9 years ago.  Made it to the gym and beat the shit out of the punching bags (I’ve only done this 3 times now, but beating on punching bags is becoming my fav), working on destroying some perceptions.  Took a nap in the middle of campus.  Drove up to Vidabou, too much snow, so went to Happy Jack.  Did a little walk in the nowhere, got to a sitting/viewing spot, starting talking out loud, and then cried.

A lot.

NOT like the day before, where after leaving Beauty and the Beast, I was getting deeply emotionally sad about being lonely, was going to put on some music in my car accordingly, but my phone decided to start with “Kings Never Die” and continue with Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop.”  The music clashed with my emotions, but usually I support the notion of “when weird fate intervenes, go with it, at least for a little bit.”  What happened was my deep heavy emotions transmuted (yes, I think this is a bit of some real alchemy here folks…done it a few times, but only a few, so not really sure how it goes, but it’s good shit) into some heavy somewhat-badass-somewhat-mad-but-super-focused-goodness.

Not so with Happy Jack.  Let loose with victim tears.  However, one small little tiny hopeful thought en route back to car was “You can’t be lonely, Daniel, because I’m here.”  Like, I don’t know how many ya’all are fond of splitting yourself up, but I LOVE IT.  So here, it’s one part of me saying to another part of me “Through thick and thin, I got your back.  I won’t leave you.  Regardless of people, regardless of dose fockin’ Angels, etc., I WILL BE WITH YOU ALWAYS.”  Reminded me of one idea I had a monthish ago of spending more time with the notion of “The Warrior and the Boy.”  The Boy is awesome, but if the Warrior goes off charging somewhere leaving the Boy unprotected, he becomes very sad (and the fockin’ Warrior DOES have a huge habit of charging off places).

More crying at home.  Watched the movie “Gone Baby Gone.”  (I guess it was Ben’s director debut.  Is anyone else SUPER HAPPY that he’s gone from getting made fun of for ‘Pearl Harbor’ to becoming a badass director?  Is he a producer too?  I really don’t know what producers do…).

Now it was 9:45pm ish.  Nothing left to do.  Earlier I had wanted to play a perception game, see if I could create a perception for myself along the lines of “excited to go to the bar” or “excitedly believing I might fuck.”  And if I achieved that perception, I’d go out.  If not, oh well, then I’d stay in.  Didn’t try to create the perception.  Probably because I went to Vidavou instead.  Whatever.  Tried to sleep.  Sleep seems to be the drug of choice (at least for me) when I’m despairing and nothing in life sounds worth doing.  I do *NOT* support it.  Fuckin’ sleep if you’re tired, but NOT when you’re wide awake.  For anyone that’s ever been locked up in something like an institution, maybe you also found it disgusting how they drug people to sleep for days.  “They’re recovering” say the doctors/staff/nurses.  Bull-fucking-shit I think…they’re fucking zombies. 

There is a reason why depressed people sleep A LOT and they struggle to even get out of bed.  And the reason is NOT because “they need their rest.”  Stupidestfuckingthinga’kjdkfoiaufdjflk;dj.

Woke up at 2am.

Fuck that too.

Often, I’m excited to wake up in the middle of the night, because it’s often a calling for something special.  Fockin’ Spirits woke me up…they don’t do it just to fuck with you (well, maybe for you, but I have not experienced such before, to my awareness). 

But I was not pleased…still depressing funk.  Sat on the couch for a bit, staring at the wall or my space around my apartment.  Eventually pulled open one of my old journals from way back when…two points came up:

  1. As I rode on a train next to a cutie, I wrote about her and worried that if she saw what I was writing, if she would think I was a creep.
  2. David Burns & daily schedules

The #1 doesn’t fit into this story, but I’ll just say “fuck that mentality of EVER wondering if you are being creepy.”  At the stop light on my way to the library today, I saw two young college girls in yoga pants waiting to cross the street.  Cute.  And the nice yoga pants, where the ass is perfectly showing, and maybe even a little bit of cooter (that’s one of the words for vagina, right?).  But I couldn’t keep staring if I wanted to, because “someone might see” (I think she even might have when she looked hahah…maybe she just looked to see if it was safe to cross), “and think I was a creep.”  Now here’s the FUCKING REALITY OF IT PEOPLE…These girls CHOSE to wear yoga pants.  Yup, their choice.  Good for them.  But MY EYES are MY CHOICE.  And WHERE I decide to put MY EYES…IS NEVER CREEPY.

Yeah…sure it feels a little weird for people to look at you, or even stare at you.  I’m actually quite fascinated by WHY THIS IS…(easy to come up with a few solid theories).  But GUESS WHAT.  It’s out of your control.  Not up to you.  For your whole life, people are gonna look.  So this is where we put on our big boy-and-girl pants and deal with it, right?

ANYWAYS…(lol see how easy it is for my mind to get off topic?)

#2…Daily Schedules…Planning

PLANNING is what I was up for, what would take me out of my present funk.

(TO BE CONTINUED IN “PLANNING FOR DREAMERS”)

Bedtime Thoughts on Worship

Sometimes I’ll have great ideas in ‘inconvenient’ places or situations.  I say inconvenient because “Shit, I can’t really write this down right now!”

Or

“Shit I don’t want to write this down right now because _________ (I’m tired, drunk, high, etc.)”

Or even…

“Dude, you don’t have to write all this shit down….”

(haha that last one gets me…one of those that I still have some trust issues to deal with I suppose)

ANYWAYS

The idea went like this:

“WHY DO PEOPLE WORSHIP GOD?”  (Or The Universe, or Allah, or whatever it is that people worship, whatever special word you want to use.  I like God.  I grew up with it, and I haven’t seen/felt any sense in replacing it.  Maybe “Mystery” or “Divine” but whatever, now I’m rambling.)

Because…do you REALLY BELIEVE God (etc.) would WANT to be worshipped?

Think about it…who WANTS to be worshipped in everyday life?  (In LOTS, if not MOST, if not ALL of my questions about spiritual/magical/whatever natures, I tend to take my clues from the physical world)

= Your Stalins, your Maos, (I’m in a Chinese and Russian history classes right now, heh), your Kardashians, your Trumps (hehe).  “Look at my Trump-Penis-Gold-Brick-Tower!”

But your typical “greats?”  Did they ever give one flying fuck about whether people worshipped them or not?  NOT that I can imagine (unless some had a little bit of a Zoolander personality, in which case I imagine that is just FUN 🙂   (and insert something about not giving a rat’s ass to the “flattery of fools”)

NO.  If they had stuff to share with you (the world), then maybe they were just happy to do so, NO CREDIT NEEDED, because probably their ego wasn’t really there…

Isn’t HUMBLENESS supposed to be one of those great virtues?  If it really IS….and supposedly God is supposed to be higher up than the ordinary person on the Virtue list…..then Their (He/She/All/Whatever) HUMBLENESS ought to be a little taller than the twin towers.

(*OH SNAP* couldn’t help tossing in a lil’ morbid joke there, ha!)

Borrowing an example form Christianity (the language I’m most familiar with).  I can’t remember my homie Jesus ever saying “Bow town and grovel at my feet!”  Nah, dude even started out by WASHING others’ twinkle toes.

And of course He may have been OK with people laying down palms at his feet and calling him Lord…because why not?  Is he going to say “No, it’s NOT ok for you to be fond of me?”  Doubtful.

People (or whatever beings) that NEED to be worshipped…I imagine there has to be some vanity issues there…or insecurities….NOT traits you would give to an Almighty, eh?

OK….I’ve drilled this point home.  The only other thing I have to say, is maybe I need to re-evaluate what the word “Worship” means.  I DID get a little excited when I thought “Warship” LOL.  Whatever.  Go play with your own mind-thoughts now.

 

P.S.  As I was putting in some awesome #tags, I thought of the word “Idol Worship.”  -> “Don’t warship any idols, I say!” was one commandment.

Idol worship -> ok nevermind I lost it.  Maybe something like “Don’t even make ME an idol.  I just want to be your friend!”

Potential Regret

4/6/2017

1:57pm

 

0:20 “You’re most scared of…”         “…unfulfilled potential.”

So…as I was walking to get my lunch (because I’m hungry) out of my car, a new insight dawned on me.  Like Emma Watson (when I saw the trailer to The Circle for the first time, I thought “Yeah, I know what you mean,”) living a life *NOT* “living up to my potential” KILLS ME inside.  (As I’m sure it does a LOT of people blessed/cursed with ambition…).

In fact, it’s one of the biggest points of anger, frustration, and regret I have…because I see so much there, but SOMETHING is blocking me from it…

But the INSIGHT I received while walking to get my lunch (because I’m hungry) was:

“WAIT A MINUTE, FUCKER….what does “potential” imply?”

————————————————————————————————————

 

po·ten·tial
pəˈten(t)SHəl/
adjective
adjective: potential
  1. 1.
    having or showing the capacity to become or develop into something in the future.
    “a two-pronged campaign to woo potential customers”
    synonyms: possible, likely, prospective, future, probable; More

    “a potential source of conflict”
noun
noun: potential; plural noun: potentials
  1. 1.
    latent qualities or abilities that may be developed and lead to future success or usefulness.
    “a young broadcaster with great potential”
    synonyms: possibilities, potentiality, prospects; More

    “economic potential”
    • the possibility of something happening or of someone doing something in the future.
      “the crane operator’s clear view reduces the potential for accidents”
  2. 2.
    Physics
    the quantity determining the energy of mass in a gravitational field or of charge in an electric field.

So sayeth “Google” (haha……The Circle……lol).  Ignoring the Physics definition (although that IS interesting to explore later *maybe*), we have:

“potential is what YOU ARE NOT.” 

 

 

So obviously there is an “error in brain-coding” going on here, that LEADS TO……….frustration, anger, regret, sadness, etc.

 

YOURE FUCKING YOUR OWN HEAD UP WITH FAULTY THINKING.

 

NOW….there’s something MORE here than meets the eye…….but I’ll let the subconscious take that on because I’ve other interests for my conscious for now.  Ther’es some magic key more here……… 

Journal Entry of LOVE, DESIRE, and Field of Dreams

the following is from my journal:


Commander’s Log: Stardate 4APR2017

Field of Dreams

7:31am:  Last night, we watched “Field of Dreams,” and it was beautiful.  After it was over, I cried with the thought of “I’m doing my best.

Why did that set me to tears?

  • because no matter what I do, it seems to not be enough?
  • was it Spirit saying “I’m doing my best?”
  • am I in truth so hard on myself (subconsciously) that the tears over the thought came because of all the pressure I place on myself?

I did notice once again how un-relaxed I am, when I noticed how uneasy I was just leaning against my car smoking a cigarette…

“If you build it, he (they) will come.”

~ I DID have the *random* thought of Galen Urso (builder of the Death Star) this morning in the shower.  AND while watching Field of Dreams and smoking pot, I thought once again about ‘desire’ and how some spiritualists advocate getting rid of desire, but I said “OH…but when you’re a Creator, desire is important.”

Although, this morning, a.k.a. right now, I’m wondering about:

“Well, what if you just “Loved and/or enjoyed the thought of something,” and left “desire” OUT of the equation?

Because does ‘desire’ imply “intention to possess/have something?  Whereas ‘Loving‘ just Loves, just enjoys, whether it be “love doing whatever you’re doing,” or “love the thought or idea” of something?

And you don’t need to fear “but without desire, how do you act or do or pursue anything???”  because

Love moves the soul to act.”

So maybe I shall work toward and intend more to just Love thoughts/actions/perceptions, and see if I can spend MORE time doing that than “desiring” anything…

This strategy sounds pretty neat…

 

Videos a Comin’ (Maybe)

Today, April 3rd, in the year of our Lord AD 2017, I did another video to practice speaking and free-forming.  I plan to upload to youtube at some point these videos because…why not?

As much as I want to stay “Why does it matter posting your writings online, or your videos online, if they are for jew?”  (“you”….get it?).  And the only best answer I can come up with so far: (well two answers)

  1. They *MAY* be helpful to someone, who knows, that can see “hey, it’s ok to be you.”
  2. It may help me alleviate some of my fears (conscious or subconscious?) of self-expression in somewhat public venue.  Because THAT is still one that GRRRRRRR gets me angry all the time…is how I just want to be my crazy self in public, but if you ever HAVE been JUST YOU in public, (and you love your *crazy* self), then you’ve seen how people DONTKNOWWHATTHEFUCKTODO, and they give you “deer in the headlights” look.

Know-what-I-mean?

Now it’s time for some groceries, because I bleed $$$$ buying food out-and-abouts all the time.  Fuck that noise.

Deuces.