(*author’s note* The Below is some stuff I was going through in the wee early morning hours 4am of 9/21/2017…AFTER I got out of bed…and I decided to post this based on one of my reasonings below…)
Some fuckin’ dream…about that I wanted to road trip to the North Carolina, but I didn’t know what the fuck I was going to do there.
And mom was going to follow me. And I didn’t like that one bit. (And now my gaze is drifted toward a can that says “Slap ya mama.”)—–if I become OK with weird or ‘evil’ or ‘mean’ looking thoughts, will that help open my mind to more ways of thinking? EX – imagining slapping my mama?——
The thoughts as I tossed and turned in bed were fucking annoyingly painful (not real pain, but annoying annoying angry stupid shit), UNTIL I DECIDED TO TAKE COMMAND.
Then they quieted down and the only thing that echoed was my resounding conscious thoughts. (‘Echo’ is the wrong word here, because actually there was no echo, just me slowly booming my directives)……..was I really *wanting* an Echo? As if I were “wanting some kind of response?” Wanting to get a reaction? Reaction seeking?
But another annoying thing in bed was how much it seemed I am just a ball of negativity, like…am I so feeling and thinking so negative so much of the time?
Also, after I read H’s text, I thought it best to ignore her. (and not “her” specifically, but if someone says something I don’t like, then I don’t have to fucking respond). Although the other fun idea (not with H’s text, but fun idea that popped up), the other fun idea was:
“I can create a response I want to say.”
AND SOMEHOW PARTS OF ME THINKS THAT IS LESS HONEST THAN AUTOMATED “SAYING FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND???”
(Somehow, in some weird way…the *above* almost seems to imply it would be a *good* practice to write for an audience…because then you are *more actively choosing responses* and *choosing what you want to put out there*)
At least the forecast for the Full Moon coming up ‘seemed awright.’ And looking at the Astrology, there’s this reminder I guess of “You’re going through some shit…take it easy, dawg. However you’re feeling is OK.”
Going Easy on Yourself ———-VS———*NOT* settling for this shithole life
…this shithole “attitude.”
WHAT IS IT?
ANYWAYS…there *does* seem to be some sort of a shift, at least in the smallest recognizable way, of choosing things *not* because “I think it will get somewhere on the quest,”
but because “I don’t fucking feel like being that way,” or “I fucking feel like doing it, so I’m gonna do it.”
FOR EX. Choosing to FIGHT, or CONSCIOUSLY DIRECT MY THOUGHTS, *NOT* to achieve some END, but because I’d rather FIGHT than WHINE/BITCH
I’d rather DIRECT my thoughts than listen to them run their fuckin’ mouths
LET’S STOP HERE AND REFLECT/REVIEW. NO NEED TO ADD TO ALL THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW.
P.S. Ok, one last thing…still curious on focusing on this idea of “What would it be like to let go of the past?” (And I noticed how focusing on that, or at least remembering that key phrase, that almost *poof* eliminated any annoying thought that came up, because they were hauntings of the past)
OK STOP TIME
Daniel…*don’t listen to anyone else’s perspective on what courage looks like, or what niceness is, or any of that other nonsensical bullshit.* Because:
- A) They’re probably fucking wrong
- B) You’re playing a much different game than them.
“Until I decided to Take Command of this shithole attitude.”