August 5, 2019 Self Talk While Chopping Watermelon

(The following is a transcript I recorded of speaking to myself while chopping watermelons on August 5, 2019, around 9:00pm).

(*background meditation music with bells and chimes*)

Alright, we are recording now.  Live, with the Daniel in the Evening Show.  Pulling out some water.  Ice cubes.  To drink, and already feeling resistance, feeling resistance using my voice in this manner.  Because,  maybe because…does it just feel awkward?  Does it feel unnecessary?  Does it feel wrong?  Does it feel wrong doing it?  

Anyways, about to cut this watermelon here.  And the wrongness is not a factor because we are just warming up.  We are just practicing.  And focus now, bringing the focus now and cutting up this watermelon, and bringing the focus back to the notion that “A Solution Exists.”  A solution exists.  That is what I would like to talk about.  And stay in that realm of thought, and conversation for a while, and direct energy over there, because I am not satisfied, I am not satisfied with just allowing…um…continuing…let’s see what words we would use…this notion that, uh, that negative mentality…of everything being like that, and continuing on like that…this endless cycle of exhaustion and then repeat.  

So, let’s say that you don’t have to feel exhausted upon, upon leaving work, you don’t have to feel exhausted in the evening.  (*chop chop* noises).  Oh and this watermelon could take some time to slice.  That’s ok.  Slicing it into chunks, because that seemed like a good idea.  Easily snackable chunks.  Easily snackable chunks – just putting them in a ziploc baggie here.  

Um….the thoughts just drifted back to work (after a long pause of speech with only some chopping and moving sounds of the watermelon), and with that being said, you know, oh here we go – this is kinda fun to talk about.  

Ok I have been working at and dickering around with the idea of Twitch streaming and I guess that would be not so different, not so different than what I am doing right now.  Especially if we took the analogy of turning Life into a Game, then the Twitch broadcasting flows right there with it.  Right there with it.

And so the work, uh, I would love to have that not be exhausting.  And there could be a solution for that too.  Uh…a solution exists. And right now as I speak those words, and right now for the first time since starting this recording session, I am aware of my voice and the words I am saying…Isn’t that fascinating?!  (*Voice begins to pick up in earnest, motivation, changes tone from flat to more inspired*)  

That’s super fascinating.  Let’s see.  We’re at 7 minutes and 35 seconds, and in that time, just now, after seven minutes and thirty-five seconds, I am finally consciously aware of my voice and my speech.  

How crazy is that?  How crazy.  And that’s good, see.  Here’s another good thing that I would love to mention right now.  Is that I started this whole piece quite awkward.  Rewind it to the very beginning, and you’ll see how I was feeling like “What the fuck am I doing?”  You’ll see how I was just recording and was just going to push through and call it a warmup, and it is exactly just what the fuck that was, and so, right now, maybe, and you can hear I am starting to get a little more artistic and emotional with my speech here, and this is fuckin’ fantastic, this is good shit.  I am starting to enjoy this – even if we are not staying on a perfect topic, these ideas are still floating around this space and the ether for example, for example I remember how we started with a solution exists, that he does not have to be exhausted getting off work, and one of the examples that I had for that was a weird one, I say weird because it seems weird in my mind, of playing Final Fantasy 6 when he gets off work, some kind of continued process, of movin to the next step, moving to the next stage, and this, and this uh…that was a good idea and in and of itself, and we want to give a little hooti hoot energy too, and stay there a little bit.

And I’ll tell you what, what is so cool what I’m doing right now, what I’m doing righ now is so cool because of what I’m not doing right now, and what I’m not doing right now is not allowing mindless chatter to go on in my mind.  I am not allowing that.  I am dis-allowing that.  And that is a bare minimum of what is going on right now.  Of course there is meditation music in the background and we are chopping watermelons, but what also is going on right now is playing with conscious voice and every once in a while, for example right now when I said every once in a while, becoming aware of my own voice and how I am speaking these things.

So the awareness that I am using is shifting between the ideas I am playing with, versus shifting to how I am manipulating my voice.  Not quite that so much, but more observing and hearing the words come out of my mouth as I am speaking them.  And for now I think I am going to rest this speech, and I may pick it up again in a second.  

But we’ve reached 12 and a half minutes, and that’s badass.  I’m going to put this whole transcript of recording on my blog.

5 thoughts on “August 5, 2019 Self Talk While Chopping Watermelon

  1. Keep it going, dear Kidonhiswaytogoathood. Your post reminds me of my own one here https://rochereau.wordpress.com/2016/10/12/stream-of-consciousness/

    I wish i could still write but it’s quite pointless to grieve over what once was but is no longer. Actually you can’t help grieving but not for too long because you miss the treasures of now.

    I’m envious of your stream of consciousness, I take a recorder with me going out but have nothing to say any more. I hope you’ll keep going with this ’cause it’s a wonderful way to embrace each passing moment and then let it go in favour of the next one

    Liked by 1 person

      1. thanks for asking, you give me the chance to examine myself and ask if it is really true.

        I’m on heavy medication for serious health conditions, so I never know whether it’s these illnesses or side-effects of the medicine that make it difficult to do what I’d like to do.

        One effect is not being able to do any one thing for very long. So I do this and that, with rests in between. Correspondence and short comments I can manage fine.

        I’ve long been that way, but less acutely than now. That was the reason for taking up blogging , I guess. You can write short pieces, even though they may each take a few days – the initial inspiration, followed by endless editing. Literally endless: I still edit posts from long ago if i see cause.

        But the reason for having nothing to say any more is a sense that what I have to say now is, when examined carefully, a repetition of what I’ve said before. “A Wayfarer’s Notes” arose from a profound rebirth: finding true love at last, at the age of 62, and in consequence seeing so many things as if for the first time, like a child. I still see them that way but without the freshness of astonished discovery.

        So nowadays, in addition to writing these notes to likeminded persons, I attempt to put my existing writings into some kind of better order. Still experimenting and unsure how to go about it.

        Thanks also for the mention of “Rules of Attraction”. I’ve looked it up on IMDB. Please tell me if this review by Roger Ebert is the one you are talking about: https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-rules-of-attraction-2002

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      2. Wow Vincent thank you for the personal story. The editing thing is really interesting…I used to *hate* it and just want to write a thing in one go, and for a while it was my best style because I could write with passion. But I’ve also really gotten into the idea of editing [other things, not yet blog pieces].

        You bring up a really interesting point about the repetition. Any thoughts on what’s going on there, and would you prefer not to repeat yourself? It would pain me a bit to see the same repeated themes going on in my journals, the same things I was upset about. In the last few years, too, there have been life themes that at first I worried had me going in circles, but instead I decided it was a spiral, which is rather curious.

        I perused the review link and it *is* the correct movie, but I think the review fails to mention that so much of the movie contains the narrative thoughts of the characters, which is really cool. (4th or 5th wall?). My simple review would be: “A dark comedy college film about sex, drugs, and alcohol, and the twisted relationships found therein.”

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, spirals rather than circles, I’d go along with that.

    thanks for confirming it was the right movie. Roger Ebert clearly took against it somwhat but now I’ll look at other reviews . . .

    Like

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