July 15, 2019 The Unfettered Mind Go Go Go

I’m recording a video for potential youtube use at the same time that I am writing in this blog and eating a pizza.  So you could this a transcript, but I am also curious to see where it goes.

Because in the past, I have often times very much enjoyed typing as I was focused on something else other than the words on the screen.  For example, I am now looking at my facial expression and actually I’m looking pretty sexy, almost like a Matthew Mcconahay (spelled that wrong) who just got out of the shower.

Very fucking refreshing shower it was too, because after my shift at Trackers, I was feeling fucked up again, in the head, hating on Portland and the Trackers job and anyone who i feel like i have to tap-dance my speech and self expression around because i may not be using their preferred words or behavior.  But shit……let me bow out of that direction and speech for now.


What I did want to talk about more importantly was the autopilot mode i’ve been on….ok I just finished the 5 minute video.  Eating pizza and talking and trying to type was becoming a little too much, but the top may be like a transcript.

I did lose a little focus in what I wanted to talk about, but I sort of finished the video with an intention, so I’ll finish this post with an intention.  Daniel…don’t lose yourself to hating on Portland because of some of the frustrations you experience with things like traffic, with things like some (or even if it’s many) of the people you have encountered.  You *could* even just look at it as the initial hurdles one has to get over when moving to a new place…like running the gauntlet in a fraternity.

Because this place of Portland *could* be fucking awesome.  You love the street lights.  You love the mornings and evenings, many of the parks, and the bridges.  There is still a lot of potential here, so please please please don’t lose yourself to the things that you are not liking.  Also anyone reading this of the physical or non-physical variety that could offer support or encouragement, I’d love to receive it.

Thank you.  /Bow.

March onward, Heroes, X-Men, etc.  You fucking rockstars.

P.S.  I did want to mention that where I currently am is really neat relative (generally my life fucking sucks so I stress *relative* here) compared to the last post, because i have been going more in the route of small choices and a more automated pace of go go go without much thought.  Similar to the “Unfettered Mind,” a Zen book that I was flipping through today.

P.P.S.  In addition to what I said above about Portland, it does seem to be a reoccurring pattern of mine is that I will go somewhere kinda neat or start something cool, and I’ll just focus on the shitty aspects until I hate the place and then want to move on.  I’m not quite sure how to change this, but it does seem like a very important battle of my life.


July 8, 2019 Small Simple Choices

Small choices that are very simple is one thought I woke up with, but now I am almost uninterested in writing about it.

One thing about it that he wants to emphasize is this willingness to go into the unknown with little preparation “to see what happens.”  I have found that attitude to be most helpful as opposed to thinking that I need to do a whole bunch of stuff “to get ready” for something.  I want to include the quote here about “acting from a basic plan is better than not acting from a master plan,” or something like that, I don’t really remember how it goes, but whatever.  These small simple choices also support my ability to pursue reckless commitment, and retain flexibility.


P.S.  As I was typing this up, I think the quote is more along the lines of “a good plan today is better than a great plan tomorrow.”  Which may or may not actually support the idea I was focusing on.

July 6, 2019 New Computer

Yesterday I received in the mail my Razer Gaming Laptop.  I’m still freaking out about it, but it also seems like I am calming down more.

Freaking out because I fear so much falling into patterns of addiction, and losing all of the ground and work I have been doing on myself in the last couple of years.  I’ve also been *very* aversive to tech, (with the exception of such things as indoor plumbing, motorcycles, and electric guitars – those have been and always will be awesome).  Right now I have two candles lit next to me, so I wonder if that helps.

But yes, I do worry so much about “going outside” and working those monkish type skills of meditation, and eliminating distractions, and the like.  Although this morning, again, I am feeling relatively calm and in charge of my mind.  Maybe because I am still wondering how I want to proceed here – maybe I am more paying attention and respecting the device, and maybe somehow I am *not* getting sucked into it as an addiction.  And maybe it is less overwhelming.

Because I can remember just not too long ago, where looking at a computer, even one just at a college campus and trying to do some homework online, it was all way too overwhelming and I could barely function.  And since this has grown less, I do still worry that I may be losing my touch with a greater life, losing my touch with nature and sensitivity and feelings.  There was even this awful moment yesterday as I was looking at my razer and there were four different cords protruding from it, and I had this awful visual that that was my life now, blended in with the cords.

Anyways, I write this piece to share the fear, and also to offer hopeful tidings that this will not be the case, that the computer will not drive me into ruin, that it will actually help and assist me in my goals.  Which now that I think of this, this must be the case if I continue to set proper intentions, because with the proper intentions, I should look at the computer in that fashion, as a support system for the things I actually care about, as a tool to not be afraid of, like a saw or a gun.

P.S.  I would like to add that the main reasons I got it were because I want to delve into the realm of Vlogging, or Podcasting, or uploading video recordings of speeches, or Twitch streaming, and blogging…things of that nature because I think I can do well in that world, and because it is a form of employment that I would not hate, if I can achieve some sort of income from it.


P.P.S.  I have also been *deep breathing* for a little bit due to feeling shortness of breath last night and this morning, and more importantly I have been listening to “Time” from the Inception soundtrack, and that is one of the most soothing pieces of music I love.

July 2, 2019 Foot Clenches

Yesterday once again after work I noticed how tired and sore my feet were.  I don’t know what causes this because I am not on my feet for too long throughout the day (right now I wonder if that is part of the issue, is just that they know I have not traditionally been too much on my feet lately, and they are trying to readjust, and put me more on my feet?).  And it gets kind of annoying, because I do want to be on my feet, and not have them be sore and wanting to be off my feet.

But this morning I uncovered a fun thing that may help.  Foot clenches.  It’s kind of like that scene in Die Hard I suppose where the man on the flight tells John McClain about grabbing the carpet with toes.  And the reason why I think this may help is that yesterday I picked up some compression socks, and I think it was on the package that I’d read that the foot soreness or tiredness may be due to poor circulation (although I also wonder if my energy is getting clogged down there?  Which I guess could also be tied in with poor circulation…), so…….

……sooooo my clenching of feet is this fun idea almost like a pumping heart, or squeezing those black rubbber balls that tighten blood pressure cuffs, or any kind of squeezing pump.  Right now I am enjoying this theorizing idea that if I squeeze or “pump” my feet frequently enough throughout the day, that the circulation will continue to flow.  Also of fun value is noticing that when I do pump my feet, that there are feelings and sensations of connected nerves further up my body.  Same kind of principle when I clench that sex pelvic area (I forget the name of that).

Anyways…Pump on.  Like Arnold.

P.S.  I am thinking now I want to change the name of my blog to something like “Unapologetic Desires” or “Unabashed Reality.”  That seems more focused fitting meaning of the direction I’d like to go, rather than the idea of “just an old goat talking nonsense.”  Haha.

P.P.S.  Welcome back to some fire (Mars and Mercury).

June 9, 2019 Pleasures of Observational Focus

This morning as I did some of my writings and meditations, I noticed that I am presently growing more fond of this observational stance, and enjoying the “non-attached” feeling and way of looking at things.

I want to go into more depth here, because I think this idea of “non-attachment” has been blown way out of proportion and is very misleading, at least from where I have traditionally viewed it.  Because the feeling I am learning more recently to enjoy more is Yoda’s version of non-attachment when he refers to Luke’s impatience as “Always his mind on the future, and never on where he was, and what he was doing.”  Because I am finding so much interest in value in the focus on what it is I am actually doing.  This goes into opposition from my usual stance of the “longing for bigger things,” which that focus of energy so frequently just *destroys* me.

Got lost into the world of distractions a little this morning, but not so much that I couldn’t get out of it with some 10 minute focused writings and enjoy those, especially enjoy the process of how they were bringing me back into a whole realm of focus.

Now it’s time for some breakfast – eggs and oatmeal, followed by a pleasant day of finishing up some writing papers.  First day of training work tomorrow.

Also P.S. watched the Netflix film ‘Mother’ last night, which was pretty neat in many regards, except I think it seemed like they couldn’t figure out what to do with the ending…or at least I didn’t get it.

P.P.S.  While flipping through some OKCupid profiles, I once again am at this confusing stance of looking at the girls as some whole grouping, or the choice of looking at them as individuals.  It’s a difficult dynamic.  Of course the grouping is useful in a psychological way, because they are all prone to that, but the individual is cool in a Soul kind of way, but the second you *think* that is more prevalent, you will get body slammed.  Interesting anyways.

Consistency and Amma, June 5, 2019

Recently when I purchased a ‘Gaming Laptop,’ this big black clunky piece of hardware that was a seeming mixture of something large and clunky, or military-grade tech.  (Either way it felt awful just having it in my house for a few hours, so I returned it), BUT

recently when I was working at getting this Gaming Laptop, a store clerk gave me a speech about consistency because I had let on that I was thinking about doing some Twitch channel (that thing where you record yourself playing a video game and people watch it, I guess as if you are the announcer AND the player of the game, which is kind of interesting to think about right now…maybe we should go into this later?),BUT

for the Twitch channel, or a Youtube channel, or anything where I would put myself on the internet as some celebrity entertainer and get money for it, she recommended consistency consistency consistency.

Ordinarily this term scares me, and I think my aversion to it is one thing that seems to severely impede my growth towards awesome epicness (fucking ICK….I almost wrote ‘personal growth’ or ‘growth as an individual’ but let’s get fucking REAL here….that kind of shit is not only annoying, but it is severely *boring*.  Let’s get back to awesome epicness).

The *caveat* though, is that either this girl who told me about consistency or someone else brought up the very important and relevant point that: Even though you are doing the same shit, it is *not* going to be the same every time.


With that being said, I write this post as an intention that I can get more consistent with publishing things.  Because it seems like a good idea to get myself toward an individualized income, AND to get my VOICE out there more so I don’t keep it shut in and quiet while everyone else is poisoning the frequencies.

And I’m in Washington.  Seeing Amma tomorrow.  Yay.

Sick At Home May 10, 2019

For the last few days, mostly yesterday, and a little bit the day before, I have been a bit sick.  A minor cold, but yesterday especially I felt the great wonderful feeling of just wanting to lie about, and it was nice, because that was the primary priority that I was to be doing.  It was the ideal activity for getting better, and I think it was also a nice help for cleansing more and quitting more of the smoking that I had recently re-quit (like 3-4 days free off it, after going at cigars and cigarettes for over two weeks, bleh!).  So getting sick, as I like to say, is still one of the best ways to quit smoking.  And in general, I think it offers a nice little life reset.  I am already starting to feel the incoming fresh energies, so I am curious to see where this goes.

Although now that I think of it, I don’t like using this phrase here – “I’m curious to see where this goes.”  While of course the curiosity is a good thing, I don’t like this mentality of the new age to just be “open to where it goes.”  Because I am wanting to learn how to take charge of my life, to have a role in directing where it goes.

Ok that is a good place to start.  (Good – now in this write-up, you are reading and witnessing me think as I write in the present.  Most of this I will not edit, except I will edit a little here and there for clarity, but it is fun having insights occurring as I am typing, which isn’t necessarily *new* for me at all, but it is often something that I don’t share with people, except when talking in the moment, and most of them don’t get super curious – they just kind of stand there either awe-struck or waiting until the crazy man stops talking.

ANYWAYS…let’s go back to “that is a good place to start.”  Because “…to have a role in directing where it goes” makes a nice agreement and ‘working with’ energy as opposed to either A) just seeing where it goes or B) forcefully trying to take dictator control of where it goes.

So to re-emphasize, “to have a role in directing where it goes” seems like a nice starting point, a place where the energy is still relaxed, but that I am playing a role, that I do have control at least in some arena.  Both are important.  And now I am rambling.

What then would my role be?  Choosing my physical location seems possible.  Creating and making specific plans is *still* a very delicate process for me, because it’s hard to get a balance point between “doing nothing” and “forcing a rigid structure that feels confining.”  He did already write a few things down today which seems like a good direction to go.

(Why is it a good direction?)

  1. It’s very simple.  I’m still recovering from the sickness, so nothing too huge.  Also not very confining because they are a list of 4 things, 1-3 words each.
  2. The activities are geared toward points of growth I think would help me better direct my growth.
  3. There is plenty of space within the perception of these activities and directions to infuse a more epic story, or a bigger picture, or more depth, (or a certain phrasing I can’t quite put to words right now), rather than just going along completing meaningless, unfulfilling tasks.


I’m going to stop here because this is getting too long, and has stopped going anywhere.  But was a good practice.  “Serenity” by Godsmack just started playing on Pandora, and the lyrics mentioned “thoughts….” and “When will we learn to control?”

Because as you can see, even in this post I was fairly scattered, but I do believe it is possible to, like the building energies I was talking about earlier, to more focusedly direct that shit rather than just scatter-gun it.

P.S.  Also I do want to add that being sick at home has helped me get more into the feeling of “home” at my new home.  I’m still just 2 weeks new here, and prior to this home, I have been mostly wandering the roads for 8 months, so it’s a big transition for me, but really important.

Portland Observations




What would I like to talk about first?

(Organize by events?)


Portland is still a curious mystery.  The initial arrival into the city had me thinking it was sort of unimpressive.  I crossed the Columbia River in Vancouver, the north end in Washington, and everything looked like just another ordinary city.

But continuing south on the freeway, taller buildings opened up on the horizon on a small hill which looked to be the real heart of Portland.


So this brings up point number one: Portland really is this small isolated city, and surrounding it is lots of the civilized wasteland of America that consists of mostly nothing.  It seems to create this pocket, because wandering around Portland, you don’t feel the busyness of the outside world.  It remains distinctly Portland, and a small feel that can allow you to not feel claustrophobic or surrounded.  (In fact, walking around on the East Side, you borderline forget that the rest of the world is there).  The traffic sucks and is not fun to drive in, but I was just informed upon coming to the hostel tonight (Tuesday the 26th) that the public transportation in the area is really good, that in addition to the busses, which I saw one cute girl with bangs get on earlier this evening, there are some cool trains that are cheap and easy to maneuver with (I have since ridden a bus, and yes it is quite nice and easy.  Sadly, no cute girls with bangs on my bus…bangs…bus…bangbus…heh).


But I didn’t start out in Portland.  I started in the Columbia Valley River Gorge area.  I wanted to do some hiking in this area of majestic-looking photographs, and as I drove along highway 14 along the the river, there was some very pretty scenery of the gorge.  I stopped off at this locking causeway dam to use the bathroom, started singing the Goldeneye James Bond theme song, and there I found out that just across the highway from the dam was where a section of the Pacific Crest Trail cut through.  Fuck YES that was PERFECT.




(MORE on the gorge and PCT…)


I headed up the hill looking for a cafe to look out over the Portland area and chill and write and drink a coffee.  I never found a cafe, but I did find an awesome forest called Washington Park (Or Mcklennan Park, or Forest Park?  I would ask people later about the park on the hill on the west side, and they never fucking agreed on what the name was) that had these mossy stairs (*picture of staircase*).  I wandered these woods with other exercisers and nature-goers.  Found an Indian statue titled “Coming of the White Man,” and these Indians looked pointedly on alert, haha.


At the top of the park, I found a dude and chick who were bicycling.  As I approached them while they were stopped, she put a miniature boom box in his back bicycle pouch that played music.  Hell yeah.


Coming out of the park, I found a construction man who assured me that if I followed the road under construction, I would loop back down to the main city area.  I followed this loop around what appeared to be a giant hole in the ground with a giant wall.  I asked a construction chick what she was making: “What are you making?” and she got confused.  “What am I making?”  And I said “Well, your group.  You are a part of it, right?”  I at least wanted her to feel like a contribution to whatever bigness was going on, haha.  And she said it was a renovation of the dam I think.  Which is kind of interesting, because I think I heard there are a lot of dams at work in the area being built or restored, and maybe some nature people are opposed to the environmental impact or something.  Personally I don’t know.  Dams are impressive looking structures and a neat source of power, and a really cool scene in the James Bond film “Goldeneye,” but a big part of me wonders if it is like rivers are veins and arteries of a continent, and if you are damming them, then no good can come of that (just like in your body).

(Although….Beavers build dams and that seems to be ok…and water seems to have an uncanny ability to just redirect itself and follow new courses wherever it goes…so maybe dams aren’t bad, I dunno…but Beaver dams are SMALL, and very UNobtrusive to the flow of the river, and while dams may not be harmful to the river or water, they *may* be harmful to the land, just like damming veins or arteries isn’t bad for your blood, it would probably be bad for your body.  ANYWAYS…)


Then I came out of the above and down back into the main city.  Great.

And so the above hilly area was awesome.  Reminded me of The Goonies in the beginning where they all live.  Very iconic of the Pacific Northwest I think with the hills and mossy trees of the Ewok home and the *coolest shaped houses in the U.S.,* many of which can look almost like castles.  (Maybe it’s a hybrid of traditional New England Houses with Southern Plantation Houses and Southern Coastal Houses?  That seems like a fairly accurate description).  However, I knew this area was probably for the rich fockers, which my Lyft driver accurately described later as “Yuppies.”  Those people with big money from elsewhere coming to cool places.  The houses still looked neat, and someone’s front garden smelled SO WONDERFUL (LOTS of neat houses in East Portland too…some almost with yes a very much ‘swampy’ feel that was also apparent in Wilmington, NC…so that’s interesting).


Came back toward my hostel because I could tell I needed to use the bathroom.  Good thing too because it was getting ready to rain, so my umbrella in the trunk of my car finally got some awesome use.


Ate breakfast at the hostel.  Got a little mentally lost browsing the internet’s future plans for my upcoming road trip and stuff.  Muddled my noggin’ good.  Shits.  Finally left to clear my head and began wandering toward Powell’s Book Store, a famous used book store in Portland.  Browsed the books, spent too much time and muddled my head again, haha, but thankfully I ended up turning down 2 of the 4 books I had in my hand (I really have no business getting 4 books, seriously).  Left to clear my head and wander further.


Made my way down to what I think was Old Town.  Saw Voodoo Donuts and yes, they had the line.  So no, I wasn’t going to wait.  One dude complimented my “Salt Pouch,” which technically I guess that is what it might have been intended for in the store I bought it, and other people like to call it a “fanny pack” or “purse,” but after hearing the name pouch, I think I liked that, but henceforth it is my “Jones Pouch,” aptly named for Indiana Jones.  (Traditionally I have viewed it in a military-esque fashion as something for my missions or operations, but Jone’s exploration is much better I think.  At least for now).


I tell him thank you, but then he wants a dollar.  “No thanks,” I say, and continue further.  Looking for a cafe or place to have lunch, I wander, and eventually cross a bridge over into Portland on the other side of the river, which I would come to learn is quite different).  Spent a lot of time on the middle of the bridge taking in the awesome views up and down the river with the rain lightly falling while holding my umbrella and the rumbling of the bridge under my feet as traffic pounded over.  A good moment that I was hesitant to leave.


Started wandering the eastern side of the river.  First thing I ran into was a small glaive with a tree in the middle and some of those balancing stones.  And above the glade, EVEN MORE stones (*See two pictures*)  These balancing stones are seemingly massively popular across the sates (and maybe the globe?  I dunno), mostly I think with new-age-neo-spiritual crowds.  And I fucking hate them.  Haahah.  I think they are pretentious as fuck, and happily when I saw a few by the river in Spokane, I kicked them all over.  YES!!!  (If you see these stones, I’m pretty sure you know what I’m talking about, like they give you the impression that you think you really shouldn’t knock them over, like it would be sacrilege to someone else’s creation or whatever, but I happily read some Forest Ranger’s article that “No, we do not want you to create balancing stones.  Please leave them as they lie.”  Haha.  And I like to knock over people’s metaphorical “pretentious stones).”  I DID NOT, however, knock over these stones because there was some homeless looking dude in the glade, and I don’t need to piss off the local hipsters too much too quickly (although I DID tear off one of their “EATING ANIMALS” bumper stickers ‘cleverly’ placed on a STOP sign haha).  It’s not like I felt anything spiritual about the glade, and that is what I thought it was made to look like, but in case it is a meaningful spot, I’m not right away wanting to jump in and fuck with it either and earn some animosity of some spirits.  (I’ve actually been running up against lots of PETA people in recent months or years, so either their movement is growing, or maybe I should experiment with not eating animals for a month or so, see how my body and mind reacts.  The point is that gorillas don’t eat meat and they are still beastly fucking boys).


After the stone debacle, I shortly came to what I will call the “Hawthorne District” (based upon the other Hosteling International Hostel that is over there) and I decided to make the other Hostel my general destination in a roundabout fashion.


And it was wandering over here still pondering this mystery and confusion and curiosity that was Portland that some beginning solid idea began to take hold.  It was “If Portland were a color, then it would be like a dull orange, like a faded rust color, almost a brown.  But rust in a positive sense, which is hard to pinpoint.”  Conveniently, around this time there were some perfect pictures to help illustrate the idea that was forming.  So rust in a positive way, like maybe an old heirloom that is ready to be polished off.  Or a brown, where it would be a combination of a great many things and colors, but mixed together in a sort of confusing sense.  (*See two pictures, building and orange puddle*).


So yeah, it was definitely positive (albeit nothing so glorious), and I began to feel that maybe Portland itself had a vague or confusion notion about itself, which I came to love as more time and pondering went on because I thought that matched me rather well, and this is perhaps why I was having difficult pin-pointing how I felt about its murkiness because I have the same struggle in myself, and for anyone that has given it any effort whatsoever, it can be a struggle to pinpoint and get a feel for who they really are.


Some examples of this brown confusion of mixture – the yuppies on the hill.  The obvious Far Left Liberals with the BLM and Impeach Trump signs, and interestingly enough a strong element of “Resist” Movement that seems like some sort of Feminist thing, although likely radicalized to some degree, like they want to see themselves as soldiers or something.  [TOO funny that we played “Resistance” last night, and DOUBLY fun(ny) and interesting that EVERY game I was a SPY hahhhah].  But add to this the amount of strip joints, including the one I went to last night where the bouncer was happy to be open about his support of Trump.  He said that someone once asked if he was nervous about voicing it in this environment, but he was like “I’d like to see them step up” (because as a bouncer should be, he was a big solid dude who is not afraid, and likely eager, to see someone want to fight him).  Not that he will go looking for a fight (unless maybe he’s drunk?), but he is more than happy to have one come his way I suppose.

(And this was the second time that I’d heard Conservatism wasn’t THAT unheard of in the Portland area.  Just at a wedding I was at in Spokane, my good friend and old roommate John said he was definitely interested in the Portland area, and he is about as Texas conservative as you can get, although he is an intellectual too, and a fairly good open-minded thinker).


ANYWAYS, can’t explain too much of the intuitive feelings I get of places and people, because likely it is like:

  1. Doesn’t make enough sense to people, and I don’t like trying to explain those things if people aren’t going to get it anyways and
  2. It might be like a Joke, where if you try to explain it, it won’t be funny.  Like the explanation might TAKE AWAY from the sense of it.




I continued wandering on and the Hawthorne District was awesome, my favorite, which I wasn’t expecting because it didn’t have the hills.  It was more flat, but far more “small town college” feel of lots of beautiful trees and scenic walking areas, quiet.  Probably more of a cultural and creative side, (where the west end of the river was more money, yuppies, tourists, and partiers.  Funny enough, my Lyft driver later pretty much confirmed this.  Which was NICE to witness, because I’m really good with this shit, even if I still lack much confidence in the work.  She said she even picks up so many people from the east side of the river to take them home back across the river to the west side haha).  Found the best vintage clothing store in the world where I only had a short time inside, but found a great jacket that was described as “Sexy, stylish, vintage Navy harbormaster jacket.”  Perfect long blue lighter coat for spring/summer with gold buttons.  I think I’ll have to go back there tomorrow if I have time because there were so many other potential treasures.


So Portland…after 1.5 days…it is still ‘City of Mystery,’ but not mystery as “big glowy mysterious” but mystery as maybe in “Archaelogical site” or gemstone in the dirt or something…there is much to be unearthed here I think.  Even my hike yesterday when I found the Pacific Coast Trail was symbolic in that it’s an amazing epic hike far off from what mainstream America would do, and yet I crossed this cool ass bridge called “Bridge of the Gods” that had no pedestrian way, so you’re blaringly crossing right next to cars, and I imagine this would feel shockingly disjointed for anyoen that truly hiked the PCT for months on end.  A shellshock with civilization.  And yes even when I crossed, there was a small tourist town I went down into because there was a park right on the river below I spotted, but the town felt really out of place with the rest of the hike.


Thus, Portland is this tiny little spot in the midst of a sprawling mass of rest of city that is a city of not really anything.  And so far it creates a nice strange little bubble that I can’t quite put my finger on yet.  And again, it’s not like a strong driving curiosity, those things which are EASY to follow, like a big cave or old castle or whatever, but more like a ‘quiet riddle?’  (Maybe like a painting that catches your eye for some unbeknownst reason you don’t know why, but you find yourself just staring at it for hours, seeing more and more?  Hmm…





Departing Portland this morning.  I added a *tiny few* notes above this morning to clarify some points, and did some small edits.  One thing I forgot to mention was on my first night in Portland, walking around it seemed like it was really “dark,” like not well lit.  Not sinister dark, not dangerous dark (although I’m sure those elements exist – I’ve heard tales of various break-ins, so that seems popular), but I have decided it is ‘shadowy dark,’ which I absolutely love.  And oddly enough someone I asked about this didn’t seem to think it was dark at all.  So maybe it was just me noticing this, maybe not.  But maybe the dark and the shadows also have something to do with helping keep it a mystery and a bubble.


I learned there is also a solid occult community in the area which I am excited about.  My barber/hairstylist yesterday named Lida, who would be PERFECT for my future beard and hairstyle (she mentioned “Skullet or Jedi Rat-tail,” which I thought would be awesomely perfect for my future).


I also found Mt. Tabor, a giant hill-mound in East Portland that just kind of rizes up out of nowhere, but is really neat for views and stepping out into nature for a bit.  And walking more in East Portland, yes definitely confirm a good small town feel.  Many many many blocks and streets over there are super chill and easy and pleasant to stroll down.


And Portland feels less rusty this morning.  I think that analogy still really fits for some days and areas maybe, but it may be changing.  CLAY might be a better image for it?  Hmm…lots of cool mossiness everywhere though, so can’t ignore that part.  And overlooked, unappparent mystery that doesn’t necessarily dazzle but slowly draws one in is still rather fitting.  (Like a good hike?  Hmm…)


ANYWAYS…that’s about it.


  1.  Final Notes

Last night at the titti club, so many girls and so few guys, overwhelming haha felt like my eyes were popping out, wanting to look everywhere, not just at the scandily clad or naked girls, but at the dynamics and the situation and the environment…who the people were, how they were reacting, etc.  Also kind of curious to watch the stripper in the way she moves her whole body and form, rather than just watch her eyes, boobs, ass or pussy.


But more importantly, when I got dropped off by my cool Lyft driver back at the hostel, some either drunk or crack-dude stumbling about tried to talk to me or ask me a question, and I do what is best and completely ignore them and not give them attention, but he kept persisting and trying to ask and talk to me, and when he recognized I wasn’t going to talk to him, I heard a loud “FUCK YOU” before I got in the hostel and gently closed the locked door behind me lol.  

Which brings up a side note is that while in Portland, I noticed a lot of people yelling at different times.  So I wonder if it is a yelly city, or just something I was queuing in on while I was here for a few days.  I mean the yelling would make sense if they really do strong radical groups…


Another Devastating Blow March 16, 2019

“Yesterday, our ship suffered major catastrophic damage to the hull, but thankfully none of the crew were life-threateningly injured or killed.  And the good news, after the day’s devastation was all said and done, was the Captain still had the wherewithal to do a damage-assessment and check on the crew.  He did not succumb in entirety this time to the wallows of despair.”

It is one of those things that really pisses me off about this journey, and it is also something with which I have made no peace whatsoever yet – the only mantras that I have tried to attempt to adopt was “Why do we fall, Bruce?” and “When you are going through hell, keep going.”  Because it isn’t any sort of “Heroic Journey” or “Deep spiritual undertaking” or any of that nonsensical bullshit the Joy-Crack Peddlers peddle (I love this term I’ve coined: Joy-Crack Peddlers).  Fuck them and their flowers and their promises of peace and serenity.

Because yeah, it seems to be the encouragement, at least for me, to “Create, plan, make your own way, pursue your desires!” but whenever I begin to try and adopt these methods, and whenever I begin to make just the least amount of progress, then WHAM from nowhere-in-fucking-particular comes an emotional / psychological breakdown where I can’t fucking function.  (Hence my jaded bitterness that may or may not be recognizeable in this post, but is in much of the way I live my life.  However, people don’t get to see it, because the only appropriate response whenever someone asks: “How are you?” is “Good, how are you?”).

ANYWAYS…in recovery mode this morning, and from the wake of our devastating blow, we are at least appreciating and making more use of “The Silence.”

And here are two side-stories from this morning:


Side Story 1

Pre-breakfast, while collecting food in the buffet room, I am once again pondering how I am going to complete my homework, which I fucking dread.  And it is terribly difficult for me to creatively accomplish tasks, which my homework requires, when I am dreadfully fucking dreading it.  It’s like I can just take the slave-master’s whippings and try to slog through it, or I can stay away and try to creatively do whatever it takes to change my mindset and approach to it (Neither strategies are at this point very effective, by the way).

So while collecting my food, I did ask one of those semi-useful questions: “What is one thing [anything] that would help you with your homework today?”

And at this moment I look up, and across the room I see a smiling dude with short black hair, and I think: “If Nicolas Cage came to hang out.”

(Haha. Sometimes why I love my thoughts and me – they aren’t always fucking assholes…in fact, my thoughts making me frequently laugh is one of those few consolations that keeps me going).


Side Story 2

Post-breakfast, I am sitting at my table with my unfinished glass of water and coffee in front of me (fuck you coffee, you last-bastion-of-addictions-that-pretends-to-be-harmless), and I sink (not physically) a little deeper into what I like to experience and refer to as “The Silence” (basically put, a mostly silencing of thought – I uncovered this last summer and have been playing/dabbling with it ever since).  The Silence was really the only thing that was at all therapeutic yesterday after our meltdown, after our Starship suffered heavy losses, hence my continued fixation and fascination with it since.  And I pepper in *just a few* sprinklings of intentional/imaginary thought, or those thoughts that may have arisen and were at least semi-positive, meaning they were more positive than my current state of overall being.

And as I’m happily beginning to enjoy this interplay of mixing The Silence with a peppering of positive maintained thoughts / imaginations (Probably 80:20 ratio, silence:thought-sprinkles), 3 people walk around my table behind me.  One of them ever-so-slightly bumps into my chair.  I slowly turn my head and think:

“Dude, I will fucking snap your neck in two.”

(Ha, that still makes me giggle a little as I type it out…)


And finally, I’ve attached a pretty good insight and positive hand grenade that has spawned from some of my homework research (Heh…just came up with that bit of the hand grenade…nice work, Sir).

Addictions Quote

——————————— ———————————–

*Special Author’s Note* I have decided to add this addendum to add a flicker of positivity to what I deem an overall negative, albeit honest, post.  While sitting down to work on some homework, I saw a dude wearing a shirt that read: “Train. Reign.” (with Reign printed below Train, both words in big capitalized letters covering the shirt). 

And DESPITE the [seemingly inevitable] emotional and psychological breakdowns that I experience, I still happily hold to the FACT that: “Regardless of my inability to control the rest of my life, I still have the power to shape my ass into a nice firm shapely booty.”  The gym and body sculpture reamins one of my fixed points of “If nothing else, At least this I can do.”

*End Note*

The Battle Continues March 14, 2019

6:34am: He awoke with the fervor of 10,000 lions.  Renewed for battle, he cherishes the memory and the ease with which he was able to slide right back into concentration,

and there is an interesting conflict here, where those forces that seek to maintain dominion over what they refer to as the “status quo,” but really is just the kind of shit to keep us down.

It was against the concentration, telling the concentration that IT is not real.

HOW DARE YOU try to tell the concentration that it is not real.

Another really good point that I want to mention is this morning, in support of your concentration, you had a favorable glimpse concerning the future,

that the things you have been building on and improving and fine tuning will continue to grow in support of you.

He is excited to wage war once again, to do battle alongside his allies.

In fact, if those so-called “facts” would do battle against my Concentration, and they would weigh you down nwith their negativity,


Not only are they NOT to be trusted if they are not ‘Loving Support,’

but they are also not to be trusted because they are Irrational FUCKS.

And the best way to deal with irrational fucks is NOT to argue with them rationally, because then you are buying into their world,

BUT you are to respond in kind, with your own irrationality.

For example:

Negative Fuck-Voices: “You’ll never achieve your success.  You’ll never see value in yourself.”

Appropriate Response: “HOYTEE TOYTEE!”

Another appropriate response is to lean into your concentration further, steel your resolve and your power within it, because it is within your capability.

Relax into your powers of concentration.


A Simple Exercise

I uncovered this exercise while walking in the gym yesterday.  You can do it basically anytime and anywhere, and it’s awesome.  Look forward, and relax your eyes and your gaze.  What we are aiming for here is that you are not looking at any object specifically.  It’s almost like using 100% of your periphereal vision.  Or to help or think of this another way, it’s like you are just “looking” at your imagination, or focusing on something else, like how your knee is feeling.

But the important thing is that your eyes are relaxed and not focused on any particular object.  Then, slowly swivel your head to the right 90 degrees, then slowly swivel it back to forward, and left 90 degrees all while doing your best to keep your eyes relaxed and not turning their flickering focus to any objects that come into view.

You might notice their tendency to do this initially, and it’s a really fun quirk to notice, but it is pretty EASY to notice results of being able to swivel your head like an owl without your eyes darting to some object, but maintaining their glaze-like relaxed expression.

Just make sure you are going slow enough to recognize if your eyes are flitting about, or lingering too long in one direction.

I think this exercise will have profound applications, but one very simple easy benefit is that it will ENCOURAGE you to be less “hopping about to every fucking distraction that pops up.”

Because you aren’t interested in distractions.

You are interested only in what supports your goals.