Bedtime Thoughts on Worship

Sometimes I’ll have great ideas in ‘inconvenient’ places or situations.  I say inconvenient because “Shit, I can’t really write this down right now!”


“Shit I don’t want to write this down right now because _________ (I’m tired, drunk, high, etc.)”

Or even…

“Dude, you don’t have to write all this shit down….”

(haha that last one gets me…one of those that I still have some trust issues to deal with I suppose)


The idea went like this:

“WHY DO PEOPLE WORSHIP GOD?”  (Or The Universe, or Allah, or whatever it is that people worship, whatever special word you want to use.  I like God.  I grew up with it, and I haven’t seen/felt any sense in replacing it.  Maybe “Mystery” or “Divine” but whatever, now I’m rambling.)

Because…do you REALLY BELIEVE God (etc.) would WANT to be worshipped?

Think about it…who WANTS to be worshipped in everyday life?  (In LOTS, if not MOST, if not ALL of my questions about spiritual/magical/whatever natures, I tend to take my clues from the physical world)

= Your Stalins, your Maos, (I’m in a Chinese and Russian history classes right now, heh), your Kardashians, your Trumps (hehe).  “Look at my Trump-Penis-Gold-Brick-Tower!”

But your typical “greats?”  Did they ever give one flying fuck about whether people worshipped them or not?  NOT that I can imagine (unless some had a little bit of a Zoolander personality, in which case I imagine that is just FUN 🙂   (and insert something about not giving a rat’s ass to the “flattery of fools”)

NO.  If they had stuff to share with you (the world), then maybe they were just happy to do so, NO CREDIT NEEDED, because probably their ego wasn’t really there…

Isn’t HUMBLENESS supposed to be one of those great virtues?  If it really IS….and supposedly God is supposed to be higher up than the ordinary person on the Virtue list…..then Their (He/She/All/Whatever) HUMBLENESS ought to be a little taller than the twin towers.

(*OH SNAP* couldn’t help tossing in a lil’ morbid joke there, ha!)

Borrowing an example form Christianity (the language I’m most familiar with).  I can’t remember my homie Jesus ever saying “Bow town and grovel at my feet!”  Nah, dude even started out by WASHING others’ twinkle toes.

And of course He may have been OK with people laying down palms at his feet and calling him Lord…because why not?  Is he going to say “No, it’s NOT ok for you to be fond of me?”  Doubtful.

People (or whatever beings) that NEED to be worshipped…I imagine there has to be some vanity issues there…or insecurities….NOT traits you would give to an Almighty, eh?

OK….I’ve drilled this point home.  The only other thing I have to say, is maybe I need to re-evaluate what the word “Worship” means.  I DID get a little excited when I thought “Warship” LOL.  Whatever.  Go play with your own mind-thoughts now.


P.S.  As I was putting in some awesome #tags, I thought of the word “Idol Worship.”  -> “Don’t warship any idols, I say!” was one commandment.

Idol worship -> ok nevermind I lost it.  Maybe something like “Don’t even make ME an idol.  I just want to be your friend!”


Potential Regret




0:20 “You’re most scared of…”         “…unfulfilled potential.”

So…as I was walking to get my lunch (because I’m hungry) out of my car, a new insight dawned on me.  Like Emma Watson (when I saw the trailer to The Circle for the first time, I thought “Yeah, I know what you mean,”) living a life *NOT* “living up to my potential” KILLS ME inside.  (As I’m sure it does a LOT of people blessed/cursed with ambition…).

In fact, it’s one of the biggest points of anger, frustration, and regret I have…because I see so much there, but SOMETHING is blocking me from it…

But the INSIGHT I received while walking to get my lunch (because I’m hungry) was:

“WAIT A MINUTE, FUCKER….what does “potential” imply?”



adjective: potential
  1. 1.
    having or showing the capacity to become or develop into something in the future.
    “a two-pronged campaign to woo potential customers”
    synonyms: possible, likely, prospective, future, probable; More

    “a potential source of conflict”
noun: potential; plural noun: potentials
  1. 1.
    latent qualities or abilities that may be developed and lead to future success or usefulness.
    “a young broadcaster with great potential”
    synonyms: possibilities, potentiality, prospects; More

    “economic potential”
    • the possibility of something happening or of someone doing something in the future.
      “the crane operator’s clear view reduces the potential for accidents”
  2. 2.
    the quantity determining the energy of mass in a gravitational field or of charge in an electric field.

So sayeth “Google” (haha……The Circle……lol).  Ignoring the Physics definition (although that IS interesting to explore later *maybe*), we have:

“potential is what YOU ARE NOT.” 



So obviously there is an “error in brain-coding” going on here, that LEADS TO……….frustration, anger, regret, sadness, etc.




NOW….there’s something MORE here than meets the eye…….but I’ll let the subconscious take that on because I’ve other interests for my conscious for now.  Ther’es some magic key more here……… 

Journal Entry of LOVE, DESIRE, and Field of Dreams

the following is from my journal:

Commander’s Log: Stardate 4APR2017

Field of Dreams

7:31am:  Last night, we watched “Field of Dreams,” and it was beautiful.  After it was over, I cried with the thought of “I’m doing my best.

Why did that set me to tears?

  • because no matter what I do, it seems to not be enough?
  • was it Spirit saying “I’m doing my best?”
  • am I in truth so hard on myself (subconsciously) that the tears over the thought came because of all the pressure I place on myself?

I did notice once again how un-relaxed I am, when I noticed how uneasy I was just leaning against my car smoking a cigarette…

“If you build it, he (they) will come.”

~ I DID have the *random* thought of Galen Urso (builder of the Death Star) this morning in the shower.  AND while watching Field of Dreams and smoking pot, I thought once again about ‘desire’ and how some spiritualists advocate getting rid of desire, but I said “OH…but when you’re a Creator, desire is important.”

Although, this morning, a.k.a. right now, I’m wondering about:

“Well, what if you just “Loved and/or enjoyed the thought of something,” and left “desire” OUT of the equation?

Because does ‘desire’ imply “intention to possess/have something?  Whereas ‘Loving‘ just Loves, just enjoys, whether it be “love doing whatever you’re doing,” or “love the thought or idea” of something?

And you don’t need to fear “but without desire, how do you act or do or pursue anything???”  because

Love moves the soul to act.”

So maybe I shall work toward and intend more to just Love thoughts/actions/perceptions, and see if I can spend MORE time doing that than “desiring” anything…

This strategy sounds pretty neat…


Videos a Comin’ (Maybe)

Today, April 3rd, in the year of our Lord AD 2017, I did another video to practice speaking and free-forming.  I plan to upload to youtube at some point these videos because…why not?

As much as I want to stay “Why does it matter posting your writings online, or your videos online, if they are for jew?”  (“you”….get it?).  And the only best answer I can come up with so far: (well two answers)

  1. They *MAY* be helpful to someone, who knows, that can see “hey, it’s ok to be you.”
  2. It may help me alleviate some of my fears (conscious or subconscious?) of self-expression in somewhat public venue.  Because THAT is still one that GRRRRRRR gets me angry all the time…is how I just want to be my crazy self in public, but if you ever HAVE been JUST YOU in public, (and you love your *crazy* self), then you’ve seen how people DONTKNOWWHATTHEFUCKTODO, and they give you “deer in the headlights” look.


Now it’s time for some groceries, because I bleed $$$$ buying food out-and-abouts all the time.  Fuck that noise.


Rough Night

Yesterday kind of sucked ass.  Woke up early to go play DnD with my friend James.  I was in the middle of creating a Bard class, because it’s probably the coolest one out there, matches my personality and shit.  (OK, so maybe when you play DnD, you’re supposed to create a character to play NOT of your personality, but play it like the character, but the whole reason I’m interested in DnD in the first place is to get to know myself and try to practice creativity, because creativity seems kind of important).

So the whole time I’m there though, and we get the DM on the phone to help out, I’m getting “I recommend you do this…” and “you can’t play a Bard like that…they don’t melee and stuff…no swords.”


So I got more and more annoyed…to the point I began *watching* them create the character…because I was like “fuck it.”  Eventually left about 1pm, determined my DnD days were done…(though if Bard class *is* more complicated, maybe I should stay away for now, because “keep it simpleis also another one of those magical key words).

Took a short nap to try to come back to my zone.  (The zone where NO ONE tells me what to do), and get ready for the movie “Life” with my friend Jacki.  The movie was great…creepy as fuck…but nice.  Rest of the day though (and I KNEW it started out with the day), I had this weird ass energy going on, where I was energized, but *restless* and NOTHING sounded worth doing.

So I napped on the couch some more.  Woke up about 8:30pm…a little sore…still nothing in life seemed worth doing…so I guess the strategy was “embrace that shit, and just observe.”  I eventually settled enough to watch the movie Rebel Without a Cause (which yeah, I identify with that shit….where is my CAUSE?).  After the movie, I was in a much more peaceful state of mind…enough to go for a pleasant walk and have a few beers at the Ranger.

Jerked off a few times in the shower.  Who knows if that helps or not…trying to get away from porn and into “I’m going to do it because I’m sexy and awesome, and my dick is a part of me, so GGGRRRRRRRRR I will yank it to my heart’s desire if I want.”  Still watched a little porn….uggg…whatever.

Felt better this morning…a little…determined to keep shit SLOW.  Saw my crazy friend Logan on my walk to campus….haven’t seen him in a long time, and he’s into all the Spiritual mumbo jumbo too.

I guess that settles for a first post.  Goatwind69…hehehe.