“Yesterday, our ship suffered major catastrophic damage to the hull, but thankfully none of the crew were life-threateningly injured or killed. And the good news, after the day’s devastation was all said and done, was the Captain still had the wherewithal to do a damage-assessment and check on the crew. He did not succumb in entirety this time to the wallows of despair.”
It is one of those things that really pisses me off about this journey, and it is also something with which I have made no peace whatsoever yet – the only mantras that I have tried to attempt to adopt was “Why do we fall, Bruce?” and “When you are going through hell, keep going.” Because it isn’t any sort of “Heroic Journey” or “Deep spiritual undertaking” or any of that nonsensical bullshit the Joy-Crack Peddlers peddle (I love this term I’ve coined: Joy-Crack Peddlers). Fuck them and their flowers and their promises of peace and serenity.
Because yeah, it seems to be the encouragement, at least for me, to “Create, plan, make your own way, pursue your desires!” but whenever I begin to try and adopt these methods, and whenever I begin to make just the least amount of progress, then WHAM from nowhere-in-fucking-particular comes an emotional / psychological breakdown where I can’t fucking function. (Hence my jaded bitterness that may or may not be recognizeable in this post, but is in much of the way I live my life. However, people don’t get to see it, because the only appropriate response whenever someone asks: “How are you?” is “Good, how are you?”).
ANYWAYS…in recovery mode this morning, and from the wake of our devastating blow, we are at least appreciating and making more use of “The Silence.”
And here are two side-stories from this morning:
Side Story 1
Pre-breakfast, while collecting food in the buffet room, I am once again pondering how I am going to complete my homework, which I fucking dread. And it is terribly difficult for me to creatively accomplish tasks, which my homework requires, when I am dreadfully fucking dreading it. It’s like I can just take the slave-master’s whippings and try to slog through it, or I can stay away and try to creatively do whatever it takes to change my mindset and approach to it (Neither strategies are at this point very effective, by the way).
So while collecting my food, I did ask one of those semi-useful questions: “What is one thing [anything] that would help you with your homework today?”
And at this moment I look up, and across the room I see a smiling dude with short black hair, and I think: “If Nicolas Cage came to hang out.”
(Haha. Sometimes why I love my thoughts and me – they aren’t always fucking assholes…in fact, my thoughts making me frequently laugh is one of those few consolations that keeps me going).
Side Story 2
Post-breakfast, I am sitting at my table with my unfinished glass of water and coffee in front of me (fuck you coffee, you last-bastion-of-addictions-that-pretends-to-be-harmless), and I sink (not physically) a little deeper into what I like to experience and refer to as “The Silence” (basically put, a mostly silencing of thought – I uncovered this last summer and have been playing/dabbling with it ever since). The Silence was really the only thing that was at all therapeutic yesterday after our meltdown, after our Starship suffered heavy losses, hence my continued fixation and fascination with it since. And I pepper in *just a few* sprinklings of intentional/imaginary thought, or those thoughts that may have arisen and were at least semi-positive, meaning they were more positive than my current state of overall being.
And as I’m happily beginning to enjoy this interplay of mixing The Silence with a peppering of positive maintained thoughts / imaginations (Probably 80:20 ratio, silence:thought-sprinkles), 3 people walk around my table behind me. One of them ever-so-slightly bumps into my chair. I slowly turn my head and think:
“Dude, I will fucking snap your neck in two.”
(Ha, that still makes me giggle a little as I type it out…)
And finally, I’ve attached a pretty good insight and positive hand grenade that has spawned from some of my homework research (Heh…just came up with that bit of the hand grenade…nice work, Sir).
*Special Author’s Note* I have decided to add this addendum to add a flicker of positivity to what I deem an overall negative, albeit honest, post. While sitting down to work on some homework, I saw a dude wearing a shirt that read: “Train. Reign.” (with Reign printed below Train, both words in big capitalized letters covering the shirt).
And DESPITE the [seemingly inevitable] emotional and psychological breakdowns that I experience, I still happily hold to the FACT that: “Regardless of my inability to control the rest of my life, I still have the power to shape my ass into a nice firm shapely booty.” The gym and body sculpture reamins one of my fixed points of “If nothing else, At least this I can do.”