Mercury Goes Direct and Vice Gripping my Nutsack

Tuesday, March 10, 2020. Mercury went direct last night (I’m mountain time) on the same day as our Full Moon. I don’t know about ya’ll, but yesterday very much sucked. Felt tired and insecure the whole day. About the climax came was when I was at a medical appointment doing a physical for my upcoming summer job as a BLM Wildland firefighter. It was all going just fine I suppose until the ‘Provider’ (that is what they called her, I guess something between a nurse and a doctor? Maybe just a higher-up nurse?) said “They want a test for hernia too” as she’s looking at the paperwork.

OH GOOD, I thought – she’s gonna have to take a look at my junk. And not only that, (and I can tell she’s a little nervous/awkward, but it’s barely noticeable because she’s trying to be a professional, and I guess she is a little bit, because when she initially came in her attitude was “all business,” proceeding from one thing to the next in a very methodical blazing-through-the-steps kinda fashion. But now she’s a little nervous, and she says “Need a chaperon” and leaves the door to go find a chaperon, and I’m like “OH GOOD” and sure as shit, she brings in another chick. And yeah, she has me stand up, and says “drop your drawers” and motions to about my knees, and I do it and she grabs my left nut and has me cough, and then I’m pulling up my drawers, and what is nice is that this was the last part of the whole examination, cause after that she’s like “Ok you’re all done, and you can go now.”

Yeah, I get it, doctor (Provider) is female and gets to look at my junk and grab my nuts, while another one is in the room watching as a ‘chaperon’ (I guess so I can’t claim later she fondled me? I’ve *never* had a chaperon for a hernia check before), but I felt incredibly insecure, and mostly exposed in an embarrassing manner. Shamed. Felt fucking shaming and I was rather upset about it on the 40 minute drive home, cried a bit, and it was all a part of the day.

And the big thing here is that the shame is ok. I’m trying to learn that more. Could I have felt differently? For sure – I could have proudly just put my fists to my hips and stuck out a leg and said “There you go ladies!” (or at least with that attitude), and another positive I came up with that I could go with was “Well, it’s not a big deal being naked when you’re fucking, and she is playing with your nutsack, so maybe this is a good step in the right direction toward more nakedness with chicks”).

*As a side note, now that I am writing here presently, I am also wondering if – probably for sure – I have some sort of underlying deep shame around women…and this scenario very much highlights it too….interesting*

But I want to go back to the part about the “shame is ok,” especially because the brilliant and great Isaac Asimov said so: “The officer called to him, ‘Trantor would only be gray blur anyway, Kid. Why don’t you take a space-tour once you hit Trantor. They’re cheap.’ Gaal looked back, ‘Thank you very much.’ It was childish to feel disappointed, but childishness comes almost as naturally to a man as to a child, and there was a lump in Gaal’s throat. He had never seen Trantor spread otu in all its incredibility, as large as life, and he hadn’t expected to have to wait longer” (Asimov, “The Foundation,” p. 6).

Let’s re-emphasize that shit, BECAUSE NO ONE HAS EVER TOLD ME THAT BEFORE:

***”It was childish to feel disappointed, but childishness comes almost as naturally to a man as to a child”***

YES, thank you fucking Asimov for the permission, because it’s way better to have the permission from him, someone *who is fucking smart and thinks about shit* than to have a dumbass society PRETEND that A) childishness is not ok and B) that they are not childish…..and I’ll edit/add a C) my theory that it very much seems like adults are really just “big kids” anyways who are all fuckin pretending they are not.

(P.S. Side-note: I can get disappointed HUGELY at times…which often leads me to *not* want good shit, because I know [at least that’s the mentality] that it will only flicker and then be blown away into ashes, leaving me hollow and horrible…can stem in part because I can get hugely EXCITED about shit and then be let down….something I still have to work on)

I HAVE known this for some time tho…especially as I love ‘playing’ and exploring my imagination, and ‘pretending,’ and shit like that, because I love my inner child, and even Einstein gave permission if his quote is truly him when he says “it’s genius to carry your childlikeness with you into adulthood” and even Jesus loved children…but I think people are being fucking childish when they argue all the time….but it seems like *no one else* sees that is childish shit, when I want to say “just fucking grow up.” Haha ANYWAYS…..Hell yeah for Asimov.

RETURNING TO THE TITLE – Mercury is now direct, and it had started retrograde back on February 17th. The keyword that hit me today was: “Debrief,” which seems to highlight the importance of going back over the dates between February 17th – March 9th, review what was important and shit, and it does especially seem useful I thought to do it *now* because Mercury is still in what’s called it’s “Shadow Zone,” the place where it ran retrograde through. (I think like 12 degrees Pisces back to 28 degrees Aquarius or some shit).

But really, if you don’t know much about Astrology, all you really need to know is spend a little time today or the next few days reviewing stuff in your life (discard unimportant shit) from the dates of Feb. 17th – March 9th. Sift through it like you are panning for gold, and maybe you will find some nuggets or whatever it is that you’re after.

August 10, 2019 Morning Meditation and Wisdom

3:07pm

Right now I think I am walking this edge of ‘staying focused with the arena I have built up this morning,’ versus the slight pull in the direction of fear, mindlessness, and distraction.  

What is working to my benefit right now is that the way forward, the tasks that I have slowly been accumulating, are helping me to stay focused in the direction of the mindset and energy that I have begun playing with since I arose from my morning nap around 11am this morning.  

(The first time I woke up around 7:30am, I stayed up for a little bit, but ultimately wanted to go back to bed, listening to Zack Hemsey’s “I Can Get It Back” – which curiously seeped into my dream awareness – and when I awoke, I just laid in bed for a while not wanting to get out of bed.  I rotated and flexed my ankles in bed for a while, stretching them out, and I think this helped ease the strain in my calf muscles from my preparatory running expeditions I have been training in.  

The lying in bed upon awakening is a strange thing to look at in and of itself, because part of me thinks it is an awful form of depression, of everything in the world seeming like too much and I’ll never go anywhere or move or do anything, but ultimately I seem to get out of bed eventually at some time, so here I must conclude that ofttimes these lying in bed sessions [when I have the time] are rather appropriate responses in respecting those parts of myself that want to lie in bed.  Add to this the fact that I do have the strong tendency to blow everything up in my life as ‘large permanent states.’  What I mean by ‘large permanent states’ is that my mind gets locked into the large perception that I am trapped in this way of being, and that it will never change, and making any step in any positive direction of taking care of something is not enough.  [I’m pretty sure this has to do with my Mercury conjunct Jupiter conjunct Neptune in my Astrological Chart].  What generally helps me best get out of these states is the conscious reminder to myself of something along the lines of: “You literally don’t have to do anything other than be prepared to go into work on Monday afternoon” (and for this particular story, today, the time is around 12pm ish Saturday).  Thus you can get an idea of where my mental-emotional state gets locked into conjuring up all of these things that I think I have to do, likely adding a lot of pressure and weight to my non-physical bodies, [thereby subtly affecting my physical body to some degree]).

I can’t say to what degree the fifteen minute meditation method from the book “Believe It, Think It, Achieve It” by Sidney McCartney…

I did this meditation pretty much the first thing after affirming to myself that I didn’t have to do anything other than be to work by Monday afternoon –

…helped with my current focus and work, but consciously I have to assume it had far more a powerful effect than I presently consciously realize.  

(Haha…isn’t that funny, how part of me “consciously affirms that it likely had far more influence on me than I consciously recognize.”  I can’t analyze this statement right now because for me that is another form of distraction, but it does feel like a statement highly worth analyzing in greater detail – I.e. it looks like a rather powerful awareness.  But it is a distraction [for me personally] because my mind comes up with that kind of shit all the time]).  

The Moon is presently in Sagittarius, my 1st House, so this current work here and flow isn’t all that surprising.  The workings of Astrology in this way use to piss me off, but maybe I am making a little more peace with it now.

I think this is a fair place to close down the writing, and move over to practicing some of my speech and voice skills with some video recordings.  

Thanks for reading.

P.S.  To add a little note about he music entering the dream, it’s so fascinating the way that works, because in the dream, I’ll try to remove all sorts of headphones or do whatever I can to get the music to stop so I can hear in the dream, but it never works, like when you pee a lot in the dream, but you still have to go.  I am so curious by this blending of worlds…*maybe* there is a way to take just the next step and get the music to wake me up within the dream for some lucid dreaming…at the very least, it is very “Inception”-like (the movie with Leonardo Dicaprio).  I have not yet tried this out with music *timers* or cues, so the music stops of its own accord eventually, or maybe starts and stops…might be worth playing with if I can structure it into my lifestyle in the midst of my ADHD-like personality and way of being.

P.P.S.  See, if you’ll look at the start of the third bracket, I put a ( to indicate I was going off on a side-story or tangent, and upon re-reading it, l finally added the end ).  SEE HOW FAR MY TANGENTS AND DISTRACTIONS CAN TAKE ME?!  EVEN IF THEY ARE INTERESTING, lol…fuuuuckckkk…..

July 23, 2019 Bus and Bridges

Today was pretty decent. During the late afternoon, I blamed the decency on the Astrological lineup of <Sun trine Moon>. I’ve been noticing that whenever that occurs, things are generally setup for some pleasantness (at least for me – but that seems like it would be a ‘generalized pleasentness’ for possibly a majority).

One good thing was my afternoon quasi-nap. Might have dozed a little bit, but I also lied in bed for some time allowing my mind to quiet more. It may be a longer process than I generally appreciate, and it could be the case that falling prey to addictive behaviors for a day or two (or longer) may take more than a day for the effects to wear off.

Just like nicotine withdrawls. Haha maybe for the first time I could say “I am thankful for experiencing quitting smoking repeatedly to experience what a nicotine withdrawl is like,” because I’m pretty sure it may just be relatedly similar to any kind of “addictive behavior withdrawl,” and from my perspective, the ‘instant gratification’ push and ‘addiction society’ continues to try to leap forward, but it will only be able to go so far without a major crash.

I saw the cute coffee girl on my bus ride and walk. I stopped by and crossed over a neat-o bridge and took a photo with a caption I added: “man i sure do love bridges. definitely dont spend enough time hanging out with them.”

Found a good children’s book called “A Snicker of Magic” or something like that. Seems legit. Read more of “Unfettered Mind” which has some very good mental strategies, and I think even a section that looks very much like it’s talking about Manifestation and laws of Karma, which is neat considering supposedly how old the book is, and from a Zen Master.

Let’s finish this scattered post by advocating that we continue to stay away from distractive / addictive behavior. And continue to push for the belief that I can play Classic Wow without the addiction lol, and get more into my defined phrase of “Imaginative Practice.”

Cause Imagination is more important than knowledge. Einstein said so, and I agree with much curiosity. Understatement.

P.S. If there are any continued readers, I want to add especial for you that some of my posts may be chaotic, but right now my intention with the blog is almost purley quantity over quality, because I want to build the habit of ‘write write write’ with some consistency. Don’t know why I feel compelled to add that, but at the very least it is a good note for my self. 🙂

Pisces Moon Cycle March 12, 2019

We’re approaching the First Quarter of this Pisces Moon Cycle, and while things are still belonging to the realm of the murkiness and the depths, you have found maneuverability within that murkiness and the depths.  Intentionally providing yourself the motivation and movement has been key, which is funny because one of the Astrologers you watched on Youtube who did a New Moon forecast talked about “This is the lazy man’s river, and it is an ideal time to just let the river take you and flow about.”

That has been quite the opposite of my experience.  Yes, the laziness is there, but no, there is no real flow to it.  If I sit, then I become immersed and emeshed in a sticky tar, buried in layers of taffy.  Yes, proceeding can feel like wading your way through a thick fog, and there is rather little feedback to dictate you are on the right course, but you keep pushing through nonetheless.

Maybe a better analogy would be consicously pushing through the tunnel of a birthing canal where it is dark and you don’t know where you are going, like if Neo weren’t coming out of an egg sack, but he were pushing continually through that goo of a tunnel.  But this picture is a little gross, so I prefer the simple graphic I made below of a ship sailing at sea on a dark night.

Ship At Sea At Night

You don’t really know where you are going because it is so dark, but you still have your light with you, and you still have to set course rather than drift aimlessly about.

 

Also, of course keeping up with whatever cleansing and purifying you do (drink water, have lots of diahrea and stuff), and do whatever your best is to stay away from nasty things like addictions and booze and whatever.  Fuck Facebook.

I’m noticing that the imagination play IS fun and helpful, but this morning in particular I found it refreshing to step out of the imagination and spend some time in the physical world (although initially a little scathing, like when you first open your windows to the bright sunlight).

Thoughts of Early Morning

(*author’s note* The Below is some stuff I was going through in the wee early morning hours 4am of 9/21/2017…AFTER I got out of bed…and I decided to post this based on one of my reasonings below…)

Some fuckin’ dream…about that I wanted to road trip to the North Carolina, but I didn’t know what the fuck I was going to do there.

 

And mom was going to follow me.  And I didn’t like that one bit.  (And now my gaze is drifted toward a can that says “Slap ya mama.”)—–if I become OK with weird or ‘evil’ or ‘mean’ looking thoughts, will that help open my mind to more ways of thinking?  EX – imagining slapping my mama?——

 

The thoughts as I tossed and turned in bed were fucking annoyingly painful (not real pain, but annoying annoying angry stupid shit), UNTIL I DECIDED TO TAKE COMMAND.

 

Then they quieted down and the only thing that echoed was my resounding conscious thoughts(‘Echo’ is the wrong word here, because actually there was no echo, just me slowly booming my directives)……..was I really *wanting* an Echo?  As if I were “wanting some kind of response?”  Wanting to get a reaction?  Reaction seeking? 

 

But another annoying thing in bed was how much it seemed I am just a ball of negativity, like…am I so feeling and thinking so negative so much of the time?

 

Also, after I read H’s text, I thought it best to ignore her.  (and not “her” specifically, but if someone says something I don’t like, then I don’t have to fucking respond).  Although the other fun idea (not with H’s text, but fun idea that popped up), the other fun idea was:

I can create a response I want to say.”

 

——————————————————————————————-

AND SOMEHOW PARTS OF ME THINKS THAT IS LESS HONEST THAN AUTOMATED “SAYING FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND???”

——————————————————————————————

                (Somehow, in some weird way…the *above* almost seems to imply it would be a *good*               practice to write for an audience…because then you are *more actively choosing responses* and       *choosing what you want to put out there*)

At least the forecast for the Full Moon coming up ‘seemed awright.’  And looking at the Astrology, there’s this reminder I guess of “You’re going through some shit…take it easy, dawg.  However you’re feeling is OK.”

 

Going Easy on Yourself ———-VS———*NOT* settling for this shithole life

                                                                                                …this shithole “attitude.” 

WHAT IS IT? 

———————————————————————————–

ANYWAYS…there *does* seem to be some sort of a shift, at least in the smallest recognizable way, of choosing things *not* because “I think it will get somewhere on the quest,”

but because “I don’t fucking feel like being that way,” or “I fucking feel like doing it, so I’m gonna do it.”  

                FOR EX.  Choosing to FIGHT, or CONSCIOUSLY DIRECT MY THOUGHTS, *NOT* to achieve some END, but because I’d rather FIGHT than WHINE/BITCH

                                I’d rather DIRECT my thoughts than listen to them run their fuckin’ mouths

————————————————————————————–

 

LET’S STOP HERE AND REFLECT/REVIEW.  NO NEED TO ADD TO ALL THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW.

 

P.S.  Ok, one last thing…still curious on focusing on this idea of “What would it be like to let go of the past?”  (And I noticed how focusing on that, or at least remembering that key phrase, that almost *poof* eliminated any annoying thought that came up, because they were hauntings of the past)

 

OK STOP TIME

Daniel…*don’t listen to anyone else’s perspective on what courage looks like, or what niceness is, or any of that other nonsensical bullshit.*  Because:

  1. A) They’re probably fucking wrong
  2. B) You’re playing a much different game than them.

 

 

“Until I decided to Take Command of this shithole attitude.”