Tuesday, March 10, 2020. Mercury went direct last night (I’m mountain time) on the same day as our Full Moon. I don’t know about ya’ll, but yesterday very much sucked. Felt tired and insecure the whole day. About the climax came was when I was at a medical appointment doing a physical for my upcoming summer job as a BLM Wildland firefighter. It was all going just fine I suppose until the ‘Provider’ (that is what they called her, I guess something between a nurse and a doctor? Maybe just a higher-up nurse?) said “They want a test for hernia too” as she’s looking at the paperwork.
OH GOOD, I thought – she’s gonna have to take a look at my junk. And not only that, (and I can tell she’s a little nervous/awkward, but it’s barely noticeable because she’s trying to be a professional, and I guess she is a little bit, because when she initially came in her attitude was “all business,” proceeding from one thing to the next in a very methodical blazing-through-the-steps kinda fashion. But now she’s a little nervous, and she says “Need a chaperon” and leaves the door to go find a chaperon, and I’m like “OH GOOD” and sure as shit, she brings in another chick. And yeah, she has me stand up, and says “drop your drawers” and motions to about my knees, and I do it and she grabs my left nut and has me cough, and then I’m pulling up my drawers, and what is nice is that this was the last part of the whole examination, cause after that she’s like “Ok you’re all done, and you can go now.”
Yeah, I get it, doctor (Provider) is female and gets to look at my junk and grab my nuts, while another one is in the room watching as a ‘chaperon’ (I guess so I can’t claim later she fondled me? I’ve *never* had a chaperon for a hernia check before), but I felt incredibly insecure, and mostly exposed in an embarrassing manner. Shamed. Felt fucking shaming and I was rather upset about it on the 40 minute drive home, cried a bit, and it was all a part of the day.
And the big thing here is that the shame is ok. I’m trying to learn that more. Could I have felt differently? For sure – I could have proudly just put my fists to my hips and stuck out a leg and said “There you go ladies!” (or at least with that attitude), and another positive I came up with that I could go with was “Well, it’s not a big deal being naked when you’re fucking, and she is playing with your nutsack, so maybe this is a good step in the right direction toward more nakedness with chicks”).
*As a side note, now that I am writing here presently, I am also wondering if – probably for sure – I have some sort of underlying deep shame around women…and this scenario very much highlights it too….interesting*
But I want to go back to the part about the “shame is ok,” especially because the brilliant and great Isaac Asimov said so: “The officer called to him, ‘Trantor would only be gray blur anyway, Kid. Why don’t you take a space-tour once you hit Trantor. They’re cheap.’ Gaal looked back, ‘Thank you very much.’ It was childish to feel disappointed, but childishness comes almost as naturally to a man as to a child, and there was a lump in Gaal’s throat. He had never seen Trantor spread otu in all its incredibility, as large as life, and he hadn’t expected to have to wait longer” (Asimov, “The Foundation,” p. 6).
Let’s re-emphasize that shit, BECAUSE NO ONE HAS EVER TOLD ME THAT BEFORE:
***”It was childish to feel disappointed, but childishness comes almost as naturally to a man as to a child”***
YES, thank you fucking Asimov for the permission, because it’s way better to have the permission from him, someone *who is fucking smart and thinks about shit* than to have a dumbass society PRETEND that A) childishness is not ok and B) that they are not childish…..and I’ll edit/add a C) my theory that it very much seems like adults are really just “big kids” anyways who are all fuckin pretending they are not.
(P.S. Side-note: I can get disappointed HUGELY at times…which often leads me to *not* want good shit, because I know [at least that’s the mentality] that it will only flicker and then be blown away into ashes, leaving me hollow and horrible…can stem in part because I can get hugely EXCITED about shit and then be let down….something I still have to work on)
I HAVE known this for some time tho…especially as I love ‘playing’ and exploring my imagination, and ‘pretending,’ and shit like that, because I love my inner child, and even Einstein gave permission if his quote is truly him when he says “it’s genius to carry your childlikeness with you into adulthood” and even Jesus loved children…but I think people are being fucking childish when they argue all the time….but it seems like *no one else* sees that is childish shit, when I want to say “just fucking grow up.” Haha ANYWAYS…..Hell yeah for Asimov.
RETURNING TO THE TITLE – Mercury is now direct, and it had started retrograde back on February 17th. The keyword that hit me today was: “Debrief,” which seems to highlight the importance of going back over the dates between February 17th – March 9th, review what was important and shit, and it does especially seem useful I thought to do it *now* because Mercury is still in what’s called it’s “Shadow Zone,” the place where it ran retrograde through. (I think like 12 degrees Pisces back to 28 degrees Aquarius or some shit).
But really, if you don’t know much about Astrology, all you really need to know is spend a little time today or the next few days reviewing stuff in your life (discard unimportant shit) from the dates of Feb. 17th – March 9th. Sift through it like you are panning for gold, and maybe you will find some nuggets or whatever it is that you’re after.