July 15, 2019 The Unfettered Mind Go Go Go

I’m recording a video for potential youtube use at the same time that I am writing in this blog and eating a pizza.  So you could this a transcript, but I am also curious to see where it goes.

Because in the past, I have often times very much enjoyed typing as I was focused on something else other than the words on the screen.  For example, I am now looking at my facial expression and actually I’m looking pretty sexy, almost like a Matthew Mcconahay (spelled that wrong) who just got out of the shower.

Very fucking refreshing shower it was too, because after my shift at Trackers, I was feeling fucked up again, in the head, hating on Portland and the Trackers job and anyone who i feel like i have to tap-dance my speech and self expression around because i may not be using their preferred words or behavior.  But shit……let me bow out of that direction and speech for now.

 

What I did want to talk about more importantly was the autopilot mode i’ve been on….ok I just finished the 5 minute video.  Eating pizza and talking and trying to type was becoming a little too much, but the top may be like a transcript.

I did lose a little focus in what I wanted to talk about, but I sort of finished the video with an intention, so I’ll finish this post with an intention.  Daniel…don’t lose yourself to hating on Portland because of some of the frustrations you experience with things like traffic, with things like some (or even if it’s many) of the people you have encountered.  You *could* even just look at it as the initial hurdles one has to get over when moving to a new place…like running the gauntlet in a fraternity.

Because this place of Portland *could* be fucking awesome.  You love the street lights.  You love the mornings and evenings, many of the parks, and the bridges.  There is still a lot of potential here, so please please please don’t lose yourself to the things that you are not liking.  Also anyone reading this of the physical or non-physical variety that could offer support or encouragement, I’d love to receive it.

Thank you.  /Bow.

March onward, Heroes, X-Men, etc.  You fucking rockstars.

P.S.  I did want to mention that where I currently am is really neat relative (generally my life fucking sucks so I stress *relative* here) compared to the last post, because i have been going more in the route of small choices and a more automated pace of go go go without much thought.  Similar to the “Unfettered Mind,” a Zen book that I was flipping through today.

P.P.S.  In addition to what I said above about Portland, it does seem to be a reoccurring pattern of mine is that I will go somewhere kinda neat or start something cool, and I’ll just focus on the shitty aspects until I hate the place and then want to move on.  I’m not quite sure how to change this, but it does seem like a very important battle of my life.

 

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June 9, 2019 Pleasures of Observational Focus

This morning as I did some of my writings and meditations, I noticed that I am presently growing more fond of this observational stance, and enjoying the “non-attached” feeling and way of looking at things.

I want to go into more depth here, because I think this idea of “non-attachment” has been blown way out of proportion and is very misleading, at least from where I have traditionally viewed it.  Because the feeling I am learning more recently to enjoy more is Yoda’s version of non-attachment when he refers to Luke’s impatience as “Always his mind on the future, and never on where he was, and what he was doing.”  Because I am finding so much interest in value in the focus on what it is I am actually doing.  This goes into opposition from my usual stance of the “longing for bigger things,” which that focus of energy so frequently just *destroys* me.

Got lost into the world of distractions a little this morning, but not so much that I couldn’t get out of it with some 10 minute focused writings and enjoy those, especially enjoy the process of how they were bringing me back into a whole realm of focus.

Now it’s time for some breakfast – eggs and oatmeal, followed by a pleasant day of finishing up some writing papers.  First day of training work tomorrow.

Also P.S. watched the Netflix film ‘Mother’ last night, which was pretty neat in many regards, except I think it seemed like they couldn’t figure out what to do with the ending…or at least I didn’t get it.

P.P.S.  While flipping through some OKCupid profiles, I once again am at this confusing stance of looking at the girls as some whole grouping, or the choice of looking at them as individuals.  It’s a difficult dynamic.  Of course the grouping is useful in a psychological way, because they are all prone to that, but the individual is cool in a Soul kind of way, but the second you *think* that is more prevalent, you will get body slammed.  Interesting anyways.

Sick At Home May 10, 2019

For the last few days, mostly yesterday, and a little bit the day before, I have been a bit sick.  A minor cold, but yesterday especially I felt the great wonderful feeling of just wanting to lie about, and it was nice, because that was the primary priority that I was to be doing.  It was the ideal activity for getting better, and I think it was also a nice help for cleansing more and quitting more of the smoking that I had recently re-quit (like 3-4 days free off it, after going at cigars and cigarettes for over two weeks, bleh!).  So getting sick, as I like to say, is still one of the best ways to quit smoking.  And in general, I think it offers a nice little life reset.  I am already starting to feel the incoming fresh energies, so I am curious to see where this goes.

Although now that I think of it, I don’t like using this phrase here – “I’m curious to see where this goes.”  While of course the curiosity is a good thing, I don’t like this mentality of the new age to just be “open to where it goes.”  Because I am wanting to learn how to take charge of my life, to have a role in directing where it goes.

Ok that is a good place to start.  (Good – now in this write-up, you are reading and witnessing me think as I write in the present.  Most of this I will not edit, except I will edit a little here and there for clarity, but it is fun having insights occurring as I am typing, which isn’t necessarily *new* for me at all, but it is often something that I don’t share with people, except when talking in the moment, and most of them don’t get super curious – they just kind of stand there either awe-struck or waiting until the crazy man stops talking.

ANYWAYS…let’s go back to “that is a good place to start.”  Because “…to have a role in directing where it goes” makes a nice agreement and ‘working with’ energy as opposed to either A) just seeing where it goes or B) forcefully trying to take dictator control of where it goes.

So to re-emphasize, “to have a role in directing where it goes” seems like a nice starting point, a place where the energy is still relaxed, but that I am playing a role, that I do have control at least in some arena.  Both are important.  And now I am rambling.

What then would my role be?  Choosing my physical location seems possible.  Creating and making specific plans is *still* a very delicate process for me, because it’s hard to get a balance point between “doing nothing” and “forcing a rigid structure that feels confining.”  He did already write a few things down today which seems like a good direction to go.

(Why is it a good direction?)

  1. It’s very simple.  I’m still recovering from the sickness, so nothing too huge.  Also not very confining because they are a list of 4 things, 1-3 words each.
  2. The activities are geared toward points of growth I think would help me better direct my growth.
  3. There is plenty of space within the perception of these activities and directions to infuse a more epic story, or a bigger picture, or more depth, (or a certain phrasing I can’t quite put to words right now), rather than just going along completing meaningless, unfulfilling tasks.

 

I’m going to stop here because this is getting too long, and has stopped going anywhere.  But was a good practice.  “Serenity” by Godsmack just started playing on Pandora, and the lyrics mentioned “thoughts….” and “When will we learn to control?”

Because as you can see, even in this post I was fairly scattered, but I do believe it is possible to, like the building energies I was talking about earlier, to more focusedly direct that shit rather than just scatter-gun it.

P.S.  Also I do want to add that being sick at home has helped me get more into the feeling of “home” at my new home.  I’m still just 2 weeks new here, and prior to this home, I have been mostly wandering the roads for 8 months, so it’s a big transition for me, but really important.