5 Minutes to Go Time

Typing on my TV. Which is SO MUCH COOLER I guess than typing looking at a computer screen.

Maybe I’ve always loved TV screens better than computer monitors. Especially modern computer monitors, especially modern computer laptops. I swear-to-god they put some supersonic fucked up shit that is meant to fuck with your eyes and your mind and energies, i hate it. ANYWAYS…..

Leaped back into World of Warcraft Classic. It’s all the rage, and if you read this, check it out 🙂

But watch out for the addictive side. Massively addicting. I still don’t know enough about dopamine hits, but I have walked the path for a long time of battles VS cigarettes, alcohol, porn, coffee (I think that about covers the addictions? Dat fuckin coffee addiction is NUTS).

I can’t knock the WoW (World of Warcraft) addiciton quite yet – this game for a long time has been one of my sole anticipations, one of the sole things that when I thought about it, I would get excited, and I experience some quality fun and great times playing with my close family. I have literally thought on several occasions that “Wouldn’t that be strangely what-the-fuck weird if WoW almost single-handedly brought me out of my depression?”

It’s not a too far-fetched thought – if it distracts my mind from the negative, and then I move on to other shit….could help to overright some negative thought patterns.

NOT SURE THO. Cause addictions.

Have to be careful. Still monitoring the situation closely. The *worst* part of this addiction is that it is TIED to family….I.E. I can’t *quit* the addiction without not playing with them. The other ones seemed like a solo affair.

Fun to write on the TV. 🙂 Not doing both Coffee and WoW should help. Coffee is on the downswing. Crazy shit.

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August 10, 2019 Morning Meditation and Wisdom

3:07pm

Right now I think I am walking this edge of ‘staying focused with the arena I have built up this morning,’ versus the slight pull in the direction of fear, mindlessness, and distraction.  

What is working to my benefit right now is that the way forward, the tasks that I have slowly been accumulating, are helping me to stay focused in the direction of the mindset and energy that I have begun playing with since I arose from my morning nap around 11am this morning.  

(The first time I woke up around 7:30am, I stayed up for a little bit, but ultimately wanted to go back to bed, listening to Zack Hemsey’s “I Can Get It Back” – which curiously seeped into my dream awareness – and when I awoke, I just laid in bed for a while not wanting to get out of bed.  I rotated and flexed my ankles in bed for a while, stretching them out, and I think this helped ease the strain in my calf muscles from my preparatory running expeditions I have been training in.  

The lying in bed upon awakening is a strange thing to look at in and of itself, because part of me thinks it is an awful form of depression, of everything in the world seeming like too much and I’ll never go anywhere or move or do anything, but ultimately I seem to get out of bed eventually at some time, so here I must conclude that ofttimes these lying in bed sessions [when I have the time] are rather appropriate responses in respecting those parts of myself that want to lie in bed.  Add to this the fact that I do have the strong tendency to blow everything up in my life as ‘large permanent states.’  What I mean by ‘large permanent states’ is that my mind gets locked into the large perception that I am trapped in this way of being, and that it will never change, and making any step in any positive direction of taking care of something is not enough.  [I’m pretty sure this has to do with my Mercury conjunct Jupiter conjunct Neptune in my Astrological Chart].  What generally helps me best get out of these states is the conscious reminder to myself of something along the lines of: “You literally don’t have to do anything other than be prepared to go into work on Monday afternoon” (and for this particular story, today, the time is around 12pm ish Saturday).  Thus you can get an idea of where my mental-emotional state gets locked into conjuring up all of these things that I think I have to do, likely adding a lot of pressure and weight to my non-physical bodies, [thereby subtly affecting my physical body to some degree]).

I can’t say to what degree the fifteen minute meditation method from the book “Believe It, Think It, Achieve It” by Sidney McCartney…

I did this meditation pretty much the first thing after affirming to myself that I didn’t have to do anything other than be to work by Monday afternoon –

…helped with my current focus and work, but consciously I have to assume it had far more a powerful effect than I presently consciously realize.  

(Haha…isn’t that funny, how part of me “consciously affirms that it likely had far more influence on me than I consciously recognize.”  I can’t analyze this statement right now because for me that is another form of distraction, but it does feel like a statement highly worth analyzing in greater detail – I.e. it looks like a rather powerful awareness.  But it is a distraction [for me personally] because my mind comes up with that kind of shit all the time]).  

The Moon is presently in Sagittarius, my 1st House, so this current work here and flow isn’t all that surprising.  The workings of Astrology in this way use to piss me off, but maybe I am making a little more peace with it now.

I think this is a fair place to close down the writing, and move over to practicing some of my speech and voice skills with some video recordings.  

Thanks for reading.

P.S.  To add a little note about he music entering the dream, it’s so fascinating the way that works, because in the dream, I’ll try to remove all sorts of headphones or do whatever I can to get the music to stop so I can hear in the dream, but it never works, like when you pee a lot in the dream, but you still have to go.  I am so curious by this blending of worlds…*maybe* there is a way to take just the next step and get the music to wake me up within the dream for some lucid dreaming…at the very least, it is very “Inception”-like (the movie with Leonardo Dicaprio).  I have not yet tried this out with music *timers* or cues, so the music stops of its own accord eventually, or maybe starts and stops…might be worth playing with if I can structure it into my lifestyle in the midst of my ADHD-like personality and way of being.

P.P.S.  See, if you’ll look at the start of the third bracket, I put a ( to indicate I was going off on a side-story or tangent, and upon re-reading it, l finally added the end ).  SEE HOW FAR MY TANGENTS AND DISTRACTIONS CAN TAKE ME?!  EVEN IF THEY ARE INTERESTING, lol…fuuuuckckkk…..

July 29, 2019 Note from Journal Entry

Yesterday I wrote a page in my notebook that I thought about putting to the blog. I wrote it while out for a walk at Seaside, one of my favorite beaches. It was done in a more observational, reflective tone with lots of pause and space in between. Also I think it’s relevant to add that the tone [or lens of perception] I wrote in was “sad & depressing.”


July 28, 2019

6:08pm: I found the perfect little secluded place to watch the ocean.

Someone has done some good work here – it reminds me of Tom Cruise’s cabin in Oblivion.

Pretty little fat bumblebee wandering on the bush.

I don’t want to go back to Portland.

I wanted to write: “How the fuck am I supposed to write without coffee, cigarettes, and alcohol?”

Not that I ever wanted to be a writer. I’m not quite sure how I fell into doing it, but it does seem like he became quite reliant on those written words.

So much of the journey, and guidance from spirit still seems to indicate that it should be easy and that I keep fucking up.

I really like this spot.

Thoughts of Early Morning

(*author’s note* The Below is some stuff I was going through in the wee early morning hours 4am of 9/21/2017…AFTER I got out of bed…and I decided to post this based on one of my reasonings below…)

Some fuckin’ dream…about that I wanted to road trip to the North Carolina, but I didn’t know what the fuck I was going to do there.

 

And mom was going to follow me.  And I didn’t like that one bit.  (And now my gaze is drifted toward a can that says “Slap ya mama.”)—–if I become OK with weird or ‘evil’ or ‘mean’ looking thoughts, will that help open my mind to more ways of thinking?  EX – imagining slapping my mama?——

 

The thoughts as I tossed and turned in bed were fucking annoyingly painful (not real pain, but annoying annoying angry stupid shit), UNTIL I DECIDED TO TAKE COMMAND.

 

Then they quieted down and the only thing that echoed was my resounding conscious thoughts(‘Echo’ is the wrong word here, because actually there was no echo, just me slowly booming my directives)……..was I really *wanting* an Echo?  As if I were “wanting some kind of response?”  Wanting to get a reaction?  Reaction seeking? 

 

But another annoying thing in bed was how much it seemed I am just a ball of negativity, like…am I so feeling and thinking so negative so much of the time?

 

Also, after I read H’s text, I thought it best to ignore her.  (and not “her” specifically, but if someone says something I don’t like, then I don’t have to fucking respond).  Although the other fun idea (not with H’s text, but fun idea that popped up), the other fun idea was:

I can create a response I want to say.”

 

——————————————————————————————-

AND SOMEHOW PARTS OF ME THINKS THAT IS LESS HONEST THAN AUTOMATED “SAYING FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND???”

——————————————————————————————

                (Somehow, in some weird way…the *above* almost seems to imply it would be a *good*               practice to write for an audience…because then you are *more actively choosing responses* and       *choosing what you want to put out there*)

At least the forecast for the Full Moon coming up ‘seemed awright.’  And looking at the Astrology, there’s this reminder I guess of “You’re going through some shit…take it easy, dawg.  However you’re feeling is OK.”

 

Going Easy on Yourself ———-VS———*NOT* settling for this shithole life

                                                                                                …this shithole “attitude.” 

WHAT IS IT? 

———————————————————————————–

ANYWAYS…there *does* seem to be some sort of a shift, at least in the smallest recognizable way, of choosing things *not* because “I think it will get somewhere on the quest,”

but because “I don’t fucking feel like being that way,” or “I fucking feel like doing it, so I’m gonna do it.”  

                FOR EX.  Choosing to FIGHT, or CONSCIOUSLY DIRECT MY THOUGHTS, *NOT* to achieve some END, but because I’d rather FIGHT than WHINE/BITCH

                                I’d rather DIRECT my thoughts than listen to them run their fuckin’ mouths

————————————————————————————–

 

LET’S STOP HERE AND REFLECT/REVIEW.  NO NEED TO ADD TO ALL THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW.

 

P.S.  Ok, one last thing…still curious on focusing on this idea of “What would it be like to let go of the past?”  (And I noticed how focusing on that, or at least remembering that key phrase, that almost *poof* eliminated any annoying thought that came up, because they were hauntings of the past)

 

OK STOP TIME

Daniel…*don’t listen to anyone else’s perspective on what courage looks like, or what niceness is, or any of that other nonsensical bullshit.*  Because:

  1. A) They’re probably fucking wrong
  2. B) You’re playing a much different game than them.

 

 

“Until I decided to Take Command of this shithole attitude.”

Prelude to “Planning for Dreamers”

Fuck yesterday.

Started out o.k. humpty dumpty.  Made it to the coffee shop to work on my life’s blueprint.  The gorgeous coffee girl who gives great personal attention was there.  Saw an old co-worker friend there from oh about 9 years ago.  Made it to the gym and beat the shit out of the punching bags (I’ve only done this 3 times now, but beating on punching bags is becoming my fav), working on destroying some perceptions.  Took a nap in the middle of campus.  Drove up to Vidabou, too much snow, so went to Happy Jack.  Did a little walk in the nowhere, got to a sitting/viewing spot, starting talking out loud, and then cried.

A lot.

NOT like the day before, where after leaving Beauty and the Beast, I was getting deeply emotionally sad about being lonely, was going to put on some music in my car accordingly, but my phone decided to start with “Kings Never Die” and continue with Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop.”  The music clashed with my emotions, but usually I support the notion of “when weird fate intervenes, go with it, at least for a little bit.”  What happened was my deep heavy emotions transmuted (yes, I think this is a bit of some real alchemy here folks…done it a few times, but only a few, so not really sure how it goes, but it’s good shit) into some heavy somewhat-badass-somewhat-mad-but-super-focused-goodness.

Not so with Happy Jack.  Let loose with victim tears.  However, one small little tiny hopeful thought en route back to car was “You can’t be lonely, Daniel, because I’m here.”  Like, I don’t know how many ya’all are fond of splitting yourself up, but I LOVE IT.  So here, it’s one part of me saying to another part of me “Through thick and thin, I got your back.  I won’t leave you.  Regardless of people, regardless of dose fockin’ Angels, etc., I WILL BE WITH YOU ALWAYS.”  Reminded me of one idea I had a monthish ago of spending more time with the notion of “The Warrior and the Boy.”  The Boy is awesome, but if the Warrior goes off charging somewhere leaving the Boy unprotected, he becomes very sad (and the fockin’ Warrior DOES have a huge habit of charging off places).

More crying at home.  Watched the movie “Gone Baby Gone.”  (I guess it was Ben’s director debut.  Is anyone else SUPER HAPPY that he’s gone from getting made fun of for ‘Pearl Harbor’ to becoming a badass director?  Is he a producer too?  I really don’t know what producers do…).

Now it was 9:45pm ish.  Nothing left to do.  Earlier I had wanted to play a perception game, see if I could create a perception for myself along the lines of “excited to go to the bar” or “excitedly believing I might fuck.”  And if I achieved that perception, I’d go out.  If not, oh well, then I’d stay in.  Didn’t try to create the perception.  Probably because I went to Vidavou instead.  Whatever.  Tried to sleep.  Sleep seems to be the drug of choice (at least for me) when I’m despairing and nothing in life sounds worth doing.  I do *NOT* support it.  Fuckin’ sleep if you’re tired, but NOT when you’re wide awake.  For anyone that’s ever been locked up in something like an institution, maybe you also found it disgusting how they drug people to sleep for days.  “They’re recovering” say the doctors/staff/nurses.  Bull-fucking-shit I think…they’re fucking zombies. 

There is a reason why depressed people sleep A LOT and they struggle to even get out of bed.  And the reason is NOT because “they need their rest.”  Stupidestfuckingthinga’kjdkfoiaufdjflk;dj.

Woke up at 2am.

Fuck that too.

Often, I’m excited to wake up in the middle of the night, because it’s often a calling for something special.  Fockin’ Spirits woke me up…they don’t do it just to fuck with you (well, maybe for you, but I have not experienced such before, to my awareness). 

But I was not pleased…still depressing funk.  Sat on the couch for a bit, staring at the wall or my space around my apartment.  Eventually pulled open one of my old journals from way back when…two points came up:

  1. As I rode on a train next to a cutie, I wrote about her and worried that if she saw what I was writing, if she would think I was a creep.
  2. David Burns & daily schedules

The #1 doesn’t fit into this story, but I’ll just say “fuck that mentality of EVER wondering if you are being creepy.”  At the stop light on my way to the library today, I saw two young college girls in yoga pants waiting to cross the street.  Cute.  And the nice yoga pants, where the ass is perfectly showing, and maybe even a little bit of cooter (that’s one of the words for vagina, right?).  But I couldn’t keep staring if I wanted to, because “someone might see” (I think she even might have when she looked hahah…maybe she just looked to see if it was safe to cross), “and think I was a creep.”  Now here’s the FUCKING REALITY OF IT PEOPLE…These girls CHOSE to wear yoga pants.  Yup, their choice.  Good for them.  But MY EYES are MY CHOICE.  And WHERE I decide to put MY EYES…IS NEVER CREEPY.

Yeah…sure it feels a little weird for people to look at you, or even stare at you.  I’m actually quite fascinated by WHY THIS IS…(easy to come up with a few solid theories).  But GUESS WHAT.  It’s out of your control.  Not up to you.  For your whole life, people are gonna look.  So this is where we put on our big boy-and-girl pants and deal with it, right?

ANYWAYS…(lol see how easy it is for my mind to get off topic?)

#2…Daily Schedules…Planning

PLANNING is what I was up for, what would take me out of my present funk.

(TO BE CONTINUED IN “PLANNING FOR DREAMERS”)