Sick At Home May 10, 2019

For the last few days, mostly yesterday, and a little bit the day before, I have been a bit sick.  A minor cold, but yesterday especially I felt the great wonderful feeling of just wanting to lie about, and it was nice, because that was the primary priority that I was to be doing.  It was the ideal activity for getting better, and I think it was also a nice help for cleansing more and quitting more of the smoking that I had recently re-quit (like 3-4 days free off it, after going at cigars and cigarettes for over two weeks, bleh!).  So getting sick, as I like to say, is still one of the best ways to quit smoking.  And in general, I think it offers a nice little life reset.  I am already starting to feel the incoming fresh energies, so I am curious to see where this goes.

Although now that I think of it, I don’t like using this phrase here – “I’m curious to see where this goes.”  While of course the curiosity is a good thing, I don’t like this mentality of the new age to just be “open to where it goes.”  Because I am wanting to learn how to take charge of my life, to have a role in directing where it goes.

Ok that is a good place to start.  (Good – now in this write-up, you are reading and witnessing me think as I write in the present.  Most of this I will not edit, except I will edit a little here and there for clarity, but it is fun having insights occurring as I am typing, which isn’t necessarily *new* for me at all, but it is often something that I don’t share with people, except when talking in the moment, and most of them don’t get super curious – they just kind of stand there either awe-struck or waiting until the crazy man stops talking.

ANYWAYS…let’s go back to “that is a good place to start.”  Because “…to have a role in directing where it goes” makes a nice agreement and ‘working with’ energy as opposed to either A) just seeing where it goes or B) forcefully trying to take dictator control of where it goes.

So to re-emphasize, “to have a role in directing where it goes” seems like a nice starting point, a place where the energy is still relaxed, but that I am playing a role, that I do have control at least in some arena.  Both are important.  And now I am rambling.

What then would my role be?  Choosing my physical location seems possible.  Creating and making specific plans is *still* a very delicate process for me, because it’s hard to get a balance point between “doing nothing” and “forcing a rigid structure that feels confining.”  He did already write a few things down today which seems like a good direction to go.

(Why is it a good direction?)

  1. It’s very simple.  I’m still recovering from the sickness, so nothing too huge.  Also not very confining because they are a list of 4 things, 1-3 words each.
  2. The activities are geared toward points of growth I think would help me better direct my growth.
  3. There is plenty of space within the perception of these activities and directions to infuse a more epic story, or a bigger picture, or more depth, (or a certain phrasing I can’t quite put to words right now), rather than just going along completing meaningless, unfulfilling tasks.

 

I’m going to stop here because this is getting too long, and has stopped going anywhere.  But was a good practice.  “Serenity” by Godsmack just started playing on Pandora, and the lyrics mentioned “thoughts….” and “When will we learn to control?”

Because as you can see, even in this post I was fairly scattered, but I do believe it is possible to, like the building energies I was talking about earlier, to more focusedly direct that shit rather than just scatter-gun it.

P.S.  Also I do want to add that being sick at home has helped me get more into the feeling of “home” at my new home.  I’m still just 2 weeks new here, and prior to this home, I have been mostly wandering the roads for 8 months, so it’s a big transition for me, but really important.

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Perception and Subconscious Programming

I have decided to forego the article on planning for the time being because

a) I was a chaotic wreck on the Taurus Full Moon because (I thought) I had a million choices to choose from and I couldn’t decide on shit, so I ran abouts like a chicken with head cut off, or that chicken from Mohana.

b) You can’t really plan when your mind is shit.

Thus, on my drive home this last weekend, I had three major insights I quickly memorized and grew to love (at least insights for me)


  1.  Create with curiosity.  *NOT* by “desperately trying.”
  2. If it looks like hard yuck work you wish to accomplish, then you’re in the wrong mindset or you’re looking too big (which is also a part of the wrong mindset).
  3. (AND FOR ME, THE MOST IMPORTANT) The longer you FOCUS on something, the better it goes in your subconscious.

#3 came about because I was trying to memorize #1 and #2 on the drive, because I had nothing to write with initially.  Some (or all) of these points may seem straightforward to you, but let me explain the *power* (at least for me, the way my theorizing goes).

 

Earlier in the day, I’d been memorizing lines for my French presentation, so that I could recall what I was going to say during our awesome performance.

What is going on when, as a student, you are memorizing information?  (Something, up until now, I have been LOATHE to do…in fact, I advocated “writing shit down so I WOULDNT HAVE to remember…”).  Essentially, it seems like you are putting conscious information into some realm of your subconscious to be drawn forth later.

So…”the longer you focus on something, the better it goes into your subconscious.”  The more you study, the better you remember, etc.  (And of course feel free to add in any splice of “studying tactic” that helps put things deeper down, whatever).

BUT WTF ARE WE CONTINUALLY FOCUSING ON IN OUR DAY TO DAY???


Next major point…if you have ever studied the Greek/Roman Philosophy of Stoicism (it’s awesome, give it a shot!), there’s a lot of talk about “what’s IN our control, and what’s NOT in our control.”  After the first time I went to Stoic Camp (3rd time’s a charm this May 15th!), I began to wonder:

What if all of my actions were out of my control?

Modern Psychology seems to give evidence to this point…if you have ever heard of those experiments that show “People make a decision BEFORE they are aware they made the decision.”

Thus, my line of thinking went “Well shit…if most of me is autonomous, then maybe I should focus my efforts on programming myself how I want to be.

The MOST RECENT evidence I came to within myself for this came along with point #3…

HOW MUCH OF THE SYSTEMS IN YOUR BODY ARE AUTONOMOUS?  Blood pumping, erections, getting wet (hell yeah you know I can’t NOT add some sexual shit hahhah), nerves firing, etc.  So if our physical body is MOSTLY AUTONOMOUS, why wouldn’t the rest of our perceived world be mostly autonomous too?

With our FOCUS…how much do you think you could REALLY OPERATE without autonomous systems?  Seems to me ye can only FOCUS on one thing at a time (unless you’re some awesome magical Sage, whereas rumor has it those guys can split their physical forms in two or some shit….).


Ok NEXT POINT, and then this shit all ties together.

Physical reality…is STILL just PERCEPTION.  The perception you get from your senses, and your mind’s interpretation, etc.

What if this MATTER…is you could say just “structurally MORE SOLID” than thoughts?  Imagination, flights of fancy, etc.?  Especially, if it’s all just energy?  Couldn’t it be just a “more solidified, more ingrained” version of thought?  Created from the subconscious?  More rigidly ingrained in the subconscious?


SO……..in tying it all together:

If you want to change your life, ya go with the shit you hear all the time about “change your inner world, change your perception,” but they don’t fucking tell you HOW.

For me, it starts with these THREE POINTS…and then spending as much time focusing, creating, STRUCTURING AND SOLIDIFYING ideas/thoughts I would PREFER, and then LET THE SUBSCONSCIOUS and AUTOMATIC SYSTEMS do their work…

(The trick here, at least for me…is it’s kind of catch 22…because I think I have to enjoy/want more the pictures/images in my head and NOT CARE how the physical turns out…definitely some fine tuning and shit…)


FINAL NOTE – this is all just my own theorizing, shit I’ve been working here and there for the past few years, but I am adamant that life can be enjoyable, and not a miserable fucking mess.  lol.  Take what of this you will, but if you have something to add, I’d love to hear about it.  Until them, I’ll be working on meditating/memorizing these 3 points, among a *few* others (And BONUS with the memorizing them…it helps slow down my thoughts…which is generally ALWAYS a good thing, HAR!)

How My Mind Works When I’m Restless But Ok

(The following is me sitting in acoffee shop….for about an hour, hour 15 min.?  Today was crazy, not in “shit happened crazy” but “energetically crazy” as in, “I NEED TO DO SHIT BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO” which is quite often where I am…but….well just read it slowly…..because I WROTE IT SLOWLY….that’s how it was meant).  Essentially, this is as close as you may get to inside my mind and how it works, when im focused on being aware).

—————————————————————————————————————————-

 

Q: What does your heart say?

 

(Is it as simple as: “Whatever you create with your thoughts, do it with love?”)

 

Q: Are you ok Daniel?

 

I’m FINE (said in an angry voice). 

 

What does it feel like?

 

Like…there’s something I *should* be doing…but I don’t know what…

 

Are you ok with not *shoulding* on yourself?

 

Yes…maybe…but I *wonder* if the NOT CREATING is the reason I’m restless like this…

 

But YOU DON’T KNOW THAT, right?  That is your assumption?

 

True…

 

I’m with you Daniel.

 

Thank you.

 

I wonder what she’s doing right now…

 

(Funny how that was kind of a nice thought, but then there were whispers that said “don’t worry about her!”  But…why not?  If that thought is pleasant?)

 

I wish I knew how I worked.

 

What if you did?

 

GOOD JOB on not going destructive.

 

Let’s go observer mode.

 

OK!

 

A part of you seems to be *scrambling*

(Which part?)

BECAUSE…I think we had this thought earlier…if you TRULY ARE IN COMMAND…THEN YOU CAN choose to sit here at the table in peace.

HAHA

 

The scrambling part…it’s got to be the one that thinks “Gotta do some shit!”

(…even though I KNOW it is best to NOT do shit, unless you do it out of LOVE)

 

This is why we take the cold showers…to see how it’s ok for the *scrambling* to take place…

 

I wonder if this is like when all that shit attacked the Buddha…and he sat there in his peace…

 

DARK HORSE!!!  Listening to music is actually quite awesome.

 

(Are we getting comfortable with this energy?  Instead of running from it?)

 

I’m calming down…and now “Sexy Back” is playing….HAHAHAHA……maybe I AM bringing “Sexy” (Me) back……

 

I think it IS good to go home tomorrow…the weather won’t be terrible.  And I think you’ll be more relaxed at home.  It’ll be really nice to see Heather I think.  As long as you keep your cool.

 

Ready for a chapter in “Game?”  haha.  After ALL, Daniel…we are NOT needing to *create create create!* haahhahhah……….NOT UNTIL WE HAVE OUR CENTER!!!!

 

(“Disturbia” – “feels like I’m going insane, yeah!”  hahhahahhahha I KNEW there was a reason I loved this song.)

 

“A disease of the mind, it can control you!”    LOLZ  fuuuuuuuuck THIS SONG……

 

***BONUS HINT for you fuckers (the readers)……..THERE IS A GOOD REASON FOR WHY YOU LOVE THE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE…….pay attention and get curious about it.

 

9:42pm  Now I’m maybe getting a little buzzed.  2nd beer and trollin’ some facebook, but it’s FUN.  Is DARK HORSE really on again?  Or was it a different song earlier?

 

9:43pm  OK….OMG it was E.T…….those songs ARE familiar so, please forgive me.  And as I thumbed through the songs I have listened to, I WANT to say “Fock…..time has SLOWED DOWN!”  But….I forgot I took a few minutes to troll facebook with the evil clown from Saw….hahahah.

 

10:05pm  Ok now I have to pee….let’s post this transcript.  BECAUSE!!!!!