August 1, 2019 Stream of Consciousness

(The below is from a journal entry of August 1, 2019, while I was initially waiting for the bus. I continued for most of my bus ride home, roughly about an hour-ish. Then as I concentrated, I began to feel panicky, tried some deep breaths, but came out of it as I was working more on some controlled breaths, leading to a cool powerful conclusion)


6:35pm: Speech Writing.

That is the stuff I’m talking about! Pizza and speech writing and a movie? It all seems to be a bit much for tonight, does it not, Sir?

The movie could have to do with the Leo Moon energies … and the Dicaprio film was a possibility, but as he heard, the whispery echo reverberate from his speech writing, he began to relax.

And he knew that everything was going to be ok,

as he began to understand what it means to let go

and enjoy an unfolding new direction of what conscious creation entails.

Long has the curiosity held him of whether or not he was creating the tension with his longings of wanting it now, and straining too hard with forces he isn’t yet familar.

En route back to home base, he keeps his wits about him without constraint, but adopting more of the Tiger energy … Not afraid to harness that energy,

because it seems that ofttimes the second he “tries to focus” on something, the panicky force comes around.

… is he, by his campfire, afraid of his own mind, of falling into that mental chatter that pulls him down into despair?

Remain with the Tiger.

Get that breath control down … it seems important to avoid the panic.

Tiger’s Breath.

A fighter’s breath

… and the breath has helped you to stay present when facing that addictive pull of video games.

your breath has helped you to keep an even keel

when sailing the ship,

and navigating [not treachurous, but high adventurous waters] seas filled with sparkling luring treasures of awesomeness, but also lots of icebergs, and debris of pain from the ships of previous voyages,

of previous attempts to fly.

[The crazy wild pirate would help you out infinitely there…

HA! It’s good to be cautious and careful, it’s better to be courageous than cautious … but still it’s best to be crazy.

A tempered crazy … yes … Now breathe;

it seems yes like Mercury is full underway direct,

and praise be the gods may they shine down their assistance (is there a god who is the patron saint of angels?)

and tie in our willingness to go full speed ahead without looking back the other way, because ultimately it does not matter WHEN WE PLAY THE LONG GAME and maintain lookout and sights on the BIGGER PICTURE, because the ping pong of your decisions and the confidence you build in making decisions and trust in yourself to make decisions as you proceed forward as you press onward.

Steady as she goes.

NOT like the Titanic.

Thank you Jack Dawson.

P.S. Finding out how coffee withdrawls led to depressive-like symptoms has increased my resolve to rid myself of this addiction. The other day when I celebrated saying goodbye to coffee, I was whistling the Christmas tune Ben Afleck does at the end of the great movie Reindeer Games.

July 21, 2019 Exhausted and then coffee

Fairly pleasant Pisces Moon today (23 degrees right now), but holy fuck did I ever wake up exhausted.  Woke up at 7am.  Wasn’t until about noon at Denny’s that I was telling the cashier that I woke up exhausted at 7am and it was only about now, noon, that I was starting to wake up (and this after a big glass of coffee, or 1.5 glasses).  Now I note the discussion was pretty fun because he didn’t seem to care too much, which I do want to get better at enjoying talking someone’s ear off when they don’t care to listen.  I think it could grow into an incredible art form (as opposed to me keeping silent and afraid to express anything).

Even though exhausted, I was pretty proud of myself for not trying too hard to generate some energy for ________ [nothing].  IT’S OK TO JUST BE EXHAUSTED.  The big win came when I told myself “Hey dawg, you don’t really have to do anything except be at work by 2:30pm tomorrow, and do some Core today.”  That’s generally a pretty positive thought, the “You don’t really have to be doing anything,” except taking care of my back, because that seems to require constant conscious attention and focus.

…well also keeping up with the conscious attention and focus, because that can easily slide in negative directions too….

ANYWAYS…Did a great hike yesterday to recover from the failed attempt at festival camping.  That fuckin’ hurt.  I found Ape Cave tho, a place near Mt. St. Helen’s, which is a pretty volcano.  Nice area, stumbled upon a few magical glades.  The cave was awesome, and was even very ok doing it solo because there were many other tourists in the cave trekking through the longness, so it kind of felt like we were all on sort of a quasi-team.  Which would be neat if it were more like that for humanity.

If we could adopt the mindset and mentality more that we are all just trekking through this dark cave together carrying small flashlights or lanterns or wearing headlamps.

P.S.  I forget that I am still very much in recovery I think, from how much of a disaster the festival seemed like.

July 8, 2019 Small Simple Choices

Small choices that are very simple is one thought I woke up with, but now I am almost uninterested in writing about it.

One thing about it that he wants to emphasize is this willingness to go into the unknown with little preparation “to see what happens.”  I have found that attitude to be most helpful as opposed to thinking that I need to do a whole bunch of stuff “to get ready” for something.  I want to include the quote here about “acting from a basic plan is better than not acting from a master plan,” or something like that, I don’t really remember how it goes, but whatever.  These small simple choices also support my ability to pursue reckless commitment, and retain flexibility.

 

P.S.  As I was typing this up, I think the quote is more along the lines of “a good plan today is better than a great plan tomorrow.”  Which may or may not actually support the idea I was focusing on.

June 9, 2019 Pleasures of Observational Focus

This morning as I did some of my writings and meditations, I noticed that I am presently growing more fond of this observational stance, and enjoying the “non-attached” feeling and way of looking at things.

I want to go into more depth here, because I think this idea of “non-attachment” has been blown way out of proportion and is very misleading, at least from where I have traditionally viewed it.  Because the feeling I am learning more recently to enjoy more is Yoda’s version of non-attachment when he refers to Luke’s impatience as “Always his mind on the future, and never on where he was, and what he was doing.”  Because I am finding so much interest in value in the focus on what it is I am actually doing.  This goes into opposition from my usual stance of the “longing for bigger things,” which that focus of energy so frequently just *destroys* me.

Got lost into the world of distractions a little this morning, but not so much that I couldn’t get out of it with some 10 minute focused writings and enjoy those, especially enjoy the process of how they were bringing me back into a whole realm of focus.

Now it’s time for some breakfast – eggs and oatmeal, followed by a pleasant day of finishing up some writing papers.  First day of training work tomorrow.

Also P.S. watched the Netflix film ‘Mother’ last night, which was pretty neat in many regards, except I think it seemed like they couldn’t figure out what to do with the ending…or at least I didn’t get it.

P.P.S.  While flipping through some OKCupid profiles, I once again am at this confusing stance of looking at the girls as some whole grouping, or the choice of looking at them as individuals.  It’s a difficult dynamic.  Of course the grouping is useful in a psychological way, because they are all prone to that, but the individual is cool in a Soul kind of way, but the second you *think* that is more prevalent, you will get body slammed.  Interesting anyways.

Sick At Home May 10, 2019

For the last few days, mostly yesterday, and a little bit the day before, I have been a bit sick.  A minor cold, but yesterday especially I felt the great wonderful feeling of just wanting to lie about, and it was nice, because that was the primary priority that I was to be doing.  It was the ideal activity for getting better, and I think it was also a nice help for cleansing more and quitting more of the smoking that I had recently re-quit (like 3-4 days free off it, after going at cigars and cigarettes for over two weeks, bleh!).  So getting sick, as I like to say, is still one of the best ways to quit smoking.  And in general, I think it offers a nice little life reset.  I am already starting to feel the incoming fresh energies, so I am curious to see where this goes.

Although now that I think of it, I don’t like using this phrase here – “I’m curious to see where this goes.”  While of course the curiosity is a good thing, I don’t like this mentality of the new age to just be “open to where it goes.”  Because I am wanting to learn how to take charge of my life, to have a role in directing where it goes.

Ok that is a good place to start.  (Good – now in this write-up, you are reading and witnessing me think as I write in the present.  Most of this I will not edit, except I will edit a little here and there for clarity, but it is fun having insights occurring as I am typing, which isn’t necessarily *new* for me at all, but it is often something that I don’t share with people, except when talking in the moment, and most of them don’t get super curious – they just kind of stand there either awe-struck or waiting until the crazy man stops talking.

ANYWAYS…let’s go back to “that is a good place to start.”  Because “…to have a role in directing where it goes” makes a nice agreement and ‘working with’ energy as opposed to either A) just seeing where it goes or B) forcefully trying to take dictator control of where it goes.

So to re-emphasize, “to have a role in directing where it goes” seems like a nice starting point, a place where the energy is still relaxed, but that I am playing a role, that I do have control at least in some arena.  Both are important.  And now I am rambling.

What then would my role be?  Choosing my physical location seems possible.  Creating and making specific plans is *still* a very delicate process for me, because it’s hard to get a balance point between “doing nothing” and “forcing a rigid structure that feels confining.”  He did already write a few things down today which seems like a good direction to go.

(Why is it a good direction?)

  1. It’s very simple.  I’m still recovering from the sickness, so nothing too huge.  Also not very confining because they are a list of 4 things, 1-3 words each.
  2. The activities are geared toward points of growth I think would help me better direct my growth.
  3. There is plenty of space within the perception of these activities and directions to infuse a more epic story, or a bigger picture, or more depth, (or a certain phrasing I can’t quite put to words right now), rather than just going along completing meaningless, unfulfilling tasks.

 

I’m going to stop here because this is getting too long, and has stopped going anywhere.  But was a good practice.  “Serenity” by Godsmack just started playing on Pandora, and the lyrics mentioned “thoughts….” and “When will we learn to control?”

Because as you can see, even in this post I was fairly scattered, but I do believe it is possible to, like the building energies I was talking about earlier, to more focusedly direct that shit rather than just scatter-gun it.

P.S.  Also I do want to add that being sick at home has helped me get more into the feeling of “home” at my new home.  I’m still just 2 weeks new here, and prior to this home, I have been mostly wandering the roads for 8 months, so it’s a big transition for me, but really important.

Another Devastating Blow March 16, 2019

“Yesterday, our ship suffered major catastrophic damage to the hull, but thankfully none of the crew were life-threateningly injured or killed.  And the good news, after the day’s devastation was all said and done, was the Captain still had the wherewithal to do a damage-assessment and check on the crew.  He did not succumb in entirety this time to the wallows of despair.”

It is one of those things that really pisses me off about this journey, and it is also something with which I have made no peace whatsoever yet – the only mantras that I have tried to attempt to adopt was “Why do we fall, Bruce?” and “When you are going through hell, keep going.”  Because it isn’t any sort of “Heroic Journey” or “Deep spiritual undertaking” or any of that nonsensical bullshit the Joy-Crack Peddlers peddle (I love this term I’ve coined: Joy-Crack Peddlers).  Fuck them and their flowers and their promises of peace and serenity.

Because yeah, it seems to be the encouragement, at least for me, to “Create, plan, make your own way, pursue your desires!” but whenever I begin to try and adopt these methods, and whenever I begin to make just the least amount of progress, then WHAM from nowhere-in-fucking-particular comes an emotional / psychological breakdown where I can’t fucking function.  (Hence my jaded bitterness that may or may not be recognizeable in this post, but is in much of the way I live my life.  However, people don’t get to see it, because the only appropriate response whenever someone asks: “How are you?” is “Good, how are you?”).

ANYWAYS…in recovery mode this morning, and from the wake of our devastating blow, we are at least appreciating and making more use of “The Silence.”

And here are two side-stories from this morning:

 

Side Story 1

Pre-breakfast, while collecting food in the buffet room, I am once again pondering how I am going to complete my homework, which I fucking dread.  And it is terribly difficult for me to creatively accomplish tasks, which my homework requires, when I am dreadfully fucking dreading it.  It’s like I can just take the slave-master’s whippings and try to slog through it, or I can stay away and try to creatively do whatever it takes to change my mindset and approach to it (Neither strategies are at this point very effective, by the way).

So while collecting my food, I did ask one of those semi-useful questions: “What is one thing [anything] that would help you with your homework today?”

And at this moment I look up, and across the room I see a smiling dude with short black hair, and I think: “If Nicolas Cage came to hang out.”

(Haha. Sometimes why I love my thoughts and me – they aren’t always fucking assholes…in fact, my thoughts making me frequently laugh is one of those few consolations that keeps me going).

 

Side Story 2

Post-breakfast, I am sitting at my table with my unfinished glass of water and coffee in front of me (fuck you coffee, you last-bastion-of-addictions-that-pretends-to-be-harmless), and I sink (not physically) a little deeper into what I like to experience and refer to as “The Silence” (basically put, a mostly silencing of thought – I uncovered this last summer and have been playing/dabbling with it ever since).  The Silence was really the only thing that was at all therapeutic yesterday after our meltdown, after our Starship suffered heavy losses, hence my continued fixation and fascination with it since.  And I pepper in *just a few* sprinklings of intentional/imaginary thought, or those thoughts that may have arisen and were at least semi-positive, meaning they were more positive than my current state of overall being.

And as I’m happily beginning to enjoy this interplay of mixing The Silence with a peppering of positive maintained thoughts / imaginations (Probably 80:20 ratio, silence:thought-sprinkles), 3 people walk around my table behind me.  One of them ever-so-slightly bumps into my chair.  I slowly turn my head and think:

“Dude, I will fucking snap your neck in two.”

(Ha, that still makes me giggle a little as I type it out…)

 

And finally, I’ve attached a pretty good insight and positive hand grenade that has spawned from some of my homework research (Heh…just came up with that bit of the hand grenade…nice work, Sir).

Addictions Quote

——————————— ———————————–

*Special Author’s Note* I have decided to add this addendum to add a flicker of positivity to what I deem an overall negative, albeit honest, post.  While sitting down to work on some homework, I saw a dude wearing a shirt that read: “Train. Reign.” (with Reign printed below Train, both words in big capitalized letters covering the shirt). 

And DESPITE the [seemingly inevitable] emotional and psychological breakdowns that I experience, I still happily hold to the FACT that: “Regardless of my inability to control the rest of my life, I still have the power to shape my ass into a nice firm shapely booty.”  The gym and body sculpture reamins one of my fixed points of “If nothing else, At least this I can do.”

*End Note*

The Battle Continues March 14, 2019

6:34am: He awoke with the fervor of 10,000 lions.  Renewed for battle, he cherishes the memory and the ease with which he was able to slide right back into concentration,

and there is an interesting conflict here, where those forces that seek to maintain dominion over what they refer to as the “status quo,” but really is just the kind of shit to keep us down.

It was against the concentration, telling the concentration that IT is not real.

HOW DARE YOU try to tell the concentration that it is not real.

Another really good point that I want to mention is this morning, in support of your concentration, you had a favorable glimpse concerning the future,

that the things you have been building on and improving and fine tuning will continue to grow in support of you.

He is excited to wage war once again, to do battle alongside his allies.

In fact, if those so-called “facts” would do battle against my Concentration, and they would weigh you down nwith their negativity,

then they are NOT TO BE TRUSTED REGARDLESS.

Not only are they NOT to be trusted if they are not ‘Loving Support,’

but they are also not to be trusted because they are Irrational FUCKS.

And the best way to deal with irrational fucks is NOT to argue with them rationally, because then you are buying into their world,

BUT you are to respond in kind, with your own irrationality.

For example:

Negative Fuck-Voices: “You’ll never achieve your success.  You’ll never see value in yourself.”

Appropriate Response: “HOYTEE TOYTEE!”

Another appropriate response is to lean into your concentration further, steel your resolve and your power within it, because it is within your capability.

Relax into your powers of concentration.

 

A Simple Exercise

I uncovered this exercise while walking in the gym yesterday.  You can do it basically anytime and anywhere, and it’s awesome.  Look forward, and relax your eyes and your gaze.  What we are aiming for here is that you are not looking at any object specifically.  It’s almost like using 100% of your periphereal vision.  Or to help or think of this another way, it’s like you are just “looking” at your imagination, or focusing on something else, like how your knee is feeling.

But the important thing is that your eyes are relaxed and not focused on any particular object.  Then, slowly swivel your head to the right 90 degrees, then slowly swivel it back to forward, and left 90 degrees all while doing your best to keep your eyes relaxed and not turning their flickering focus to any objects that come into view.

You might notice their tendency to do this initially, and it’s a really fun quirk to notice, but it is pretty EASY to notice results of being able to swivel your head like an owl without your eyes darting to some object, but maintaining their glaze-like relaxed expression.

Just make sure you are going slow enough to recognize if your eyes are flitting about, or lingering too long in one direction.

I think this exercise will have profound applications, but one very simple easy benefit is that it will ENCOURAGE you to be less “hopping about to every fucking distraction that pops up.”

Because you aren’t interested in distractions.

You are interested only in what supports your goals.

Owl

Perception and Subconscious Programming

I have decided to forego the article on planning for the time being because

a) I was a chaotic wreck on the Taurus Full Moon because (I thought) I had a million choices to choose from and I couldn’t decide on shit, so I ran abouts like a chicken with head cut off, or that chicken from Mohana.

b) You can’t really plan when your mind is shit.

Thus, on my drive home this last weekend, I had three major insights I quickly memorized and grew to love (at least insights for me)


  1.  Create with curiosity.  *NOT* by “desperately trying.”
  2. If it looks like hard yuck work you wish to accomplish, then you’re in the wrong mindset or you’re looking too big (which is also a part of the wrong mindset).
  3. (AND FOR ME, THE MOST IMPORTANT) The longer you FOCUS on something, the better it goes in your subconscious.

#3 came about because I was trying to memorize #1 and #2 on the drive, because I had nothing to write with initially.  Some (or all) of these points may seem straightforward to you, but let me explain the *power* (at least for me, the way my theorizing goes).

 

Earlier in the day, I’d been memorizing lines for my French presentation, so that I could recall what I was going to say during our awesome performance.

What is going on when, as a student, you are memorizing information?  (Something, up until now, I have been LOATHE to do…in fact, I advocated “writing shit down so I WOULDNT HAVE to remember…”).  Essentially, it seems like you are putting conscious information into some realm of your subconscious to be drawn forth later.

So…”the longer you focus on something, the better it goes into your subconscious.”  The more you study, the better you remember, etc.  (And of course feel free to add in any splice of “studying tactic” that helps put things deeper down, whatever).

BUT WTF ARE WE CONTINUALLY FOCUSING ON IN OUR DAY TO DAY???


Next major point…if you have ever studied the Greek/Roman Philosophy of Stoicism (it’s awesome, give it a shot!), there’s a lot of talk about “what’s IN our control, and what’s NOT in our control.”  After the first time I went to Stoic Camp (3rd time’s a charm this May 15th!), I began to wonder:

What if all of my actions were out of my control?

Modern Psychology seems to give evidence to this point…if you have ever heard of those experiments that show “People make a decision BEFORE they are aware they made the decision.”

Thus, my line of thinking went “Well shit…if most of me is autonomous, then maybe I should focus my efforts on programming myself how I want to be.

The MOST RECENT evidence I came to within myself for this came along with point #3…

HOW MUCH OF THE SYSTEMS IN YOUR BODY ARE AUTONOMOUS?  Blood pumping, erections, getting wet (hell yeah you know I can’t NOT add some sexual shit hahhah), nerves firing, etc.  So if our physical body is MOSTLY AUTONOMOUS, why wouldn’t the rest of our perceived world be mostly autonomous too?

With our FOCUS…how much do you think you could REALLY OPERATE without autonomous systems?  Seems to me ye can only FOCUS on one thing at a time (unless you’re some awesome magical Sage, whereas rumor has it those guys can split their physical forms in two or some shit….).


Ok NEXT POINT, and then this shit all ties together.

Physical reality…is STILL just PERCEPTION.  The perception you get from your senses, and your mind’s interpretation, etc.

What if this MATTER…is you could say just “structurally MORE SOLID” than thoughts?  Imagination, flights of fancy, etc.?  Especially, if it’s all just energy?  Couldn’t it be just a “more solidified, more ingrained” version of thought?  Created from the subconscious?  More rigidly ingrained in the subconscious?


SO……..in tying it all together:

If you want to change your life, ya go with the shit you hear all the time about “change your inner world, change your perception,” but they don’t fucking tell you HOW.

For me, it starts with these THREE POINTS…and then spending as much time focusing, creating, STRUCTURING AND SOLIDIFYING ideas/thoughts I would PREFER, and then LET THE SUBSCONSCIOUS and AUTOMATIC SYSTEMS do their work…

(The trick here, at least for me…is it’s kind of catch 22…because I think I have to enjoy/want more the pictures/images in my head and NOT CARE how the physical turns out…definitely some fine tuning and shit…)


FINAL NOTE – this is all just my own theorizing, shit I’ve been working here and there for the past few years, but I am adamant that life can be enjoyable, and not a miserable fucking mess.  lol.  Take what of this you will, but if you have something to add, I’d love to hear about it.  Until them, I’ll be working on meditating/memorizing these 3 points, among a *few* others (And BONUS with the memorizing them…it helps slow down my thoughts…which is generally ALWAYS a good thing, HAR!)