Another Devastating Blow March 16, 2019

“Yesterday, our ship suffered major catastrophic damage to the hull, but thankfully none of the crew were life-threateningly injured or killed.  And the good news, after the day’s devastation was all said and done, was the Captain still had the wherewithal to do a damage-assessment and check on the crew.  He did not succumb in entirety this time to the wallows of despair.”

It is one of those things that really pisses me off about this journey, and it is also something with which I have made no peace whatsoever yet – the only mantras that I have tried to attempt to adopt was “Why do we fall, Bruce?” and “When you are going through hell, keep going.”  Because it isn’t any sort of “Heroic Journey” or “Deep spiritual undertaking” or any of that nonsensical bullshit the Joy-Crack Peddlers peddle (I love this term I’ve coined: Joy-Crack Peddlers).  Fuck them and their flowers and their promises of peace and serenity.

Because yeah, it seems to be the encouragement, at least for me, to “Create, plan, make your own way, pursue your desires!” but whenever I begin to try and adopt these methods, and whenever I begin to make just the least amount of progress, then WHAM from nowhere-in-fucking-particular comes an emotional / psychological breakdown where I can’t fucking function.  (Hence my jaded bitterness that may or may not be recognizeable in this post, but is in much of the way I live my life.  However, people don’t get to see it, because the only appropriate response whenever someone asks: “How are you?” is “Good, how are you?”).

ANYWAYS…in recovery mode this morning, and from the wake of our devastating blow, we are at least appreciating and making more use of “The Silence.”

And here are two side-stories from this morning:

 

Side Story 1

Pre-breakfast, while collecting food in the buffet room, I am once again pondering how I am going to complete my homework, which I fucking dread.  And it is terribly difficult for me to creatively accomplish tasks, which my homework requires, when I am dreadfully fucking dreading it.  It’s like I can just take the slave-master’s whippings and try to slog through it, or I can stay away and try to creatively do whatever it takes to change my mindset and approach to it (Neither strategies are at this point very effective, by the way).

So while collecting my food, I did ask one of those semi-useful questions: “What is one thing [anything] that would help you with your homework today?”

And at this moment I look up, and across the room I see a smiling dude with short black hair, and I think: “If Nicolas Cage came to hang out.”

(Haha. Sometimes why I love my thoughts and me – they aren’t always fucking assholes…in fact, my thoughts making me frequently laugh is one of those few consolations that keeps me going).

 

Side Story 2

Post-breakfast, I am sitting at my table with my unfinished glass of water and coffee in front of me (fuck you coffee, you last-bastion-of-addictions-that-pretends-to-be-harmless), and I sink (not physically) a little deeper into what I like to experience and refer to as “The Silence” (basically put, a mostly silencing of thought – I uncovered this last summer and have been playing/dabbling with it ever since).  The Silence was really the only thing that was at all therapeutic yesterday after our meltdown, after our Starship suffered heavy losses, hence my continued fixation and fascination with it since.  And I pepper in *just a few* sprinklings of intentional/imaginary thought, or those thoughts that may have arisen and were at least semi-positive, meaning they were more positive than my current state of overall being.

And as I’m happily beginning to enjoy this interplay of mixing The Silence with a peppering of positive maintained thoughts / imaginations (Probably 80:20 ratio, silence:thought-sprinkles), 3 people walk around my table behind me.  One of them ever-so-slightly bumps into my chair.  I slowly turn my head and think:

“Dude, I will fucking snap your neck in two.”

(Ha, that still makes me giggle a little as I type it out…)

 

And finally, I’ve attached a pretty good insight and positive hand grenade that has spawned from some of my homework research (Heh…just came up with that bit of the hand grenade…nice work, Sir).

Addictions Quote

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*Special Author’s Note* I have decided to add this addendum to add a flicker of positivity to what I deem an overall negative, albeit honest, post.  While sitting down to work on some homework, I saw a dude wearing a shirt that read: “Train. Reign.” (with Reign printed below Train, both words in big capitalized letters covering the shirt). 

And DESPITE the [seemingly inevitable] emotional and psychological breakdowns that I experience, I still happily hold to the FACT that: “Regardless of my inability to control the rest of my life, I still have the power to shape my ass into a nice firm shapely booty.”  The gym and body sculpture reamins one of my fixed points of “If nothing else, At least this I can do.”

*End Note*

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The Battle Continues March 14, 2019

6:34am: He awoke with the fervor of 10,000 lions.  Renewed for battle, he cherishes the memory and the ease with which he was able to slide right back into concentration,

and there is an interesting conflict here, where those forces that seek to maintain dominion over what they refer to as the “status quo,” but really is just the kind of shit to keep us down.

It was against the concentration, telling the concentration that IT is not real.

HOW DARE YOU try to tell the concentration that it is not real.

Another really good point that I want to mention is this morning, in support of your concentration, you had a favorable glimpse concerning the future,

that the things you have been building on and improving and fine tuning will continue to grow in support of you.

He is excited to wage war once again, to do battle alongside his allies.

In fact, if those so-called “facts” would do battle against my Concentration, and they would weigh you down nwith their negativity,

then they are NOT TO BE TRUSTED REGARDLESS.

Not only are they NOT to be trusted if they are not ‘Loving Support,’

but they are also not to be trusted because they are Irrational FUCKS.

And the best way to deal with irrational fucks is NOT to argue with them rationally, because then you are buying into their world,

BUT you are to respond in kind, with your own irrationality.

For example:

Negative Fuck-Voices: “You’ll never achieve your success.  You’ll never see value in yourself.”

Appropriate Response: “HOYTEE TOYTEE!”

Another appropriate response is to lean into your concentration further, steel your resolve and your power within it, because it is within your capability.

Relax into your powers of concentration.

 

A Simple Exercise

I uncovered this exercise while walking in the gym yesterday.  You can do it basically anytime and anywhere, and it’s awesome.  Look forward, and relax your eyes and your gaze.  What we are aiming for here is that you are not looking at any object specifically.  It’s almost like using 100% of your periphereal vision.  Or to help or think of this another way, it’s like you are just “looking” at your imagination, or focusing on something else, like how your knee is feeling.

But the important thing is that your eyes are relaxed and not focused on any particular object.  Then, slowly swivel your head to the right 90 degrees, then slowly swivel it back to forward, and left 90 degrees all while doing your best to keep your eyes relaxed and not turning their flickering focus to any objects that come into view.

You might notice their tendency to do this initially, and it’s a really fun quirk to notice, but it is pretty EASY to notice results of being able to swivel your head like an owl without your eyes darting to some object, but maintaining their glaze-like relaxed expression.

Just make sure you are going slow enough to recognize if your eyes are flitting about, or lingering too long in one direction.

I think this exercise will have profound applications, but one very simple easy benefit is that it will ENCOURAGE you to be less “hopping about to every fucking distraction that pops up.”

Because you aren’t interested in distractions.

You are interested only in what supports your goals.

Owl

Pisces Moon Cycle March 12, 2019

We’re approaching the First Quarter of this Pisces Moon Cycle, and while things are still belonging to the realm of the murkiness and the depths, you have found maneuverability within that murkiness and the depths.  Intentionally providing yourself the motivation and movement has been key, which is funny because one of the Astrologers you watched on Youtube who did a New Moon forecast talked about “This is the lazy man’s river, and it is an ideal time to just let the river take you and flow about.”

That has been quite the opposite of my experience.  Yes, the laziness is there, but no, there is no real flow to it.  If I sit, then I become immersed and emeshed in a sticky tar, buried in layers of taffy.  Yes, proceeding can feel like wading your way through a thick fog, and there is rather little feedback to dictate you are on the right course, but you keep pushing through nonetheless.

Maybe a better analogy would be consicously pushing through the tunnel of a birthing canal where it is dark and you don’t know where you are going, like if Neo weren’t coming out of an egg sack, but he were pushing continually through that goo of a tunnel.  But this picture is a little gross, so I prefer the simple graphic I made below of a ship sailing at sea on a dark night.

Ship At Sea At Night

You don’t really know where you are going because it is so dark, but you still have your light with you, and you still have to set course rather than drift aimlessly about.

 

Also, of course keeping up with whatever cleansing and purifying you do (drink water, have lots of diahrea and stuff), and do whatever your best is to stay away from nasty things like addictions and booze and whatever.  Fuck Facebook.

I’m noticing that the imagination play IS fun and helpful, but this morning in particular I found it refreshing to step out of the imagination and spend some time in the physical world (although initially a little scathing, like when you first open your windows to the bright sunlight).