August 10, 2019 Morning Meditation and Wisdom

3:07pm

Right now I think I am walking this edge of ‘staying focused with the arena I have built up this morning,’ versus the slight pull in the direction of fear, mindlessness, and distraction.  

What is working to my benefit right now is that the way forward, the tasks that I have slowly been accumulating, are helping me to stay focused in the direction of the mindset and energy that I have begun playing with since I arose from my morning nap around 11am this morning.  

(The first time I woke up around 7:30am, I stayed up for a little bit, but ultimately wanted to go back to bed, listening to Zack Hemsey’s “I Can Get It Back” – which curiously seeped into my dream awareness – and when I awoke, I just laid in bed for a while not wanting to get out of bed.  I rotated and flexed my ankles in bed for a while, stretching them out, and I think this helped ease the strain in my calf muscles from my preparatory running expeditions I have been training in.  

The lying in bed upon awakening is a strange thing to look at in and of itself, because part of me thinks it is an awful form of depression, of everything in the world seeming like too much and I’ll never go anywhere or move or do anything, but ultimately I seem to get out of bed eventually at some time, so here I must conclude that ofttimes these lying in bed sessions [when I have the time] are rather appropriate responses in respecting those parts of myself that want to lie in bed.  Add to this the fact that I do have the strong tendency to blow everything up in my life as ‘large permanent states.’  What I mean by ‘large permanent states’ is that my mind gets locked into the large perception that I am trapped in this way of being, and that it will never change, and making any step in any positive direction of taking care of something is not enough.  [I’m pretty sure this has to do with my Mercury conjunct Jupiter conjunct Neptune in my Astrological Chart].  What generally helps me best get out of these states is the conscious reminder to myself of something along the lines of: “You literally don’t have to do anything other than be prepared to go into work on Monday afternoon” (and for this particular story, today, the time is around 12pm ish Saturday).  Thus you can get an idea of where my mental-emotional state gets locked into conjuring up all of these things that I think I have to do, likely adding a lot of pressure and weight to my non-physical bodies, [thereby subtly affecting my physical body to some degree]).

I can’t say to what degree the fifteen minute meditation method from the book “Believe It, Think It, Achieve It” by Sidney McCartney…

I did this meditation pretty much the first thing after affirming to myself that I didn’t have to do anything other than be to work by Monday afternoon –

…helped with my current focus and work, but consciously I have to assume it had far more a powerful effect than I presently consciously realize.  

(Haha…isn’t that funny, how part of me “consciously affirms that it likely had far more influence on me than I consciously recognize.”  I can’t analyze this statement right now because for me that is another form of distraction, but it does feel like a statement highly worth analyzing in greater detail – I.e. it looks like a rather powerful awareness.  But it is a distraction [for me personally] because my mind comes up with that kind of shit all the time]).  

The Moon is presently in Sagittarius, my 1st House, so this current work here and flow isn’t all that surprising.  The workings of Astrology in this way use to piss me off, but maybe I am making a little more peace with it now.

I think this is a fair place to close down the writing, and move over to practicing some of my speech and voice skills with some video recordings.  

Thanks for reading.

P.S.  To add a little note about he music entering the dream, it’s so fascinating the way that works, because in the dream, I’ll try to remove all sorts of headphones or do whatever I can to get the music to stop so I can hear in the dream, but it never works, like when you pee a lot in the dream, but you still have to go.  I am so curious by this blending of worlds…*maybe* there is a way to take just the next step and get the music to wake me up within the dream for some lucid dreaming…at the very least, it is very “Inception”-like (the movie with Leonardo Dicaprio).  I have not yet tried this out with music *timers* or cues, so the music stops of its own accord eventually, or maybe starts and stops…might be worth playing with if I can structure it into my lifestyle in the midst of my ADHD-like personality and way of being.

P.P.S.  See, if you’ll look at the start of the third bracket, I put a ( to indicate I was going off on a side-story or tangent, and upon re-reading it, l finally added the end ).  SEE HOW FAR MY TANGENTS AND DISTRACTIONS CAN TAKE ME?!  EVEN IF THEY ARE INTERESTING, lol…fuuuuckckkk…..

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August 5, 2019 Self Talk While Chopping Watermelon

(The following is a transcript I recorded of speaking to myself while chopping watermelons on August 5, 2019, around 9:00pm).

(*background meditation music with bells and chimes*)

Alright, we are recording now.  Live, with the Daniel in the Evening Show.  Pulling out some water.  Ice cubes.  To drink, and already feeling resistance, feeling resistance using my voice in this manner.  Because,  maybe because…does it just feel awkward?  Does it feel unnecessary?  Does it feel wrong?  Does it feel wrong doing it?  

Anyways, about to cut this watermelon here.  And the wrongness is not a factor because we are just warming up.  We are just practicing.  And focus now, bringing the focus now and cutting up this watermelon, and bringing the focus back to the notion that “A Solution Exists.”  A solution exists.  That is what I would like to talk about.  And stay in that realm of thought, and conversation for a while, and direct energy over there, because I am not satisfied, I am not satisfied with just allowing…um…continuing…let’s see what words we would use…this notion that, uh, that negative mentality…of everything being like that, and continuing on like that…this endless cycle of exhaustion and then repeat.  

So, let’s say that you don’t have to feel exhausted upon, upon leaving work, you don’t have to feel exhausted in the evening.  (*chop chop* noises).  Oh and this watermelon could take some time to slice.  That’s ok.  Slicing it into chunks, because that seemed like a good idea.  Easily snackable chunks.  Easily snackable chunks – just putting them in a ziploc baggie here.  

Um….the thoughts just drifted back to work (after a long pause of speech with only some chopping and moving sounds of the watermelon), and with that being said, you know, oh here we go – this is kinda fun to talk about.  

Ok I have been working at and dickering around with the idea of Twitch streaming and I guess that would be not so different, not so different than what I am doing right now.  Especially if we took the analogy of turning Life into a Game, then the Twitch broadcasting flows right there with it.  Right there with it.

And so the work, uh, I would love to have that not be exhausting.  And there could be a solution for that too.  Uh…a solution exists. And right now as I speak those words, and right now for the first time since starting this recording session, I am aware of my voice and the words I am saying…Isn’t that fascinating?!  (*Voice begins to pick up in earnest, motivation, changes tone from flat to more inspired*)  

That’s super fascinating.  Let’s see.  We’re at 7 minutes and 35 seconds, and in that time, just now, after seven minutes and thirty-five seconds, I am finally consciously aware of my voice and my speech.  

How crazy is that?  How crazy.  And that’s good, see.  Here’s another good thing that I would love to mention right now.  Is that I started this whole piece quite awkward.  Rewind it to the very beginning, and you’ll see how I was feeling like “What the fuck am I doing?”  You’ll see how I was just recording and was just going to push through and call it a warmup, and it is exactly just what the fuck that was, and so, right now, maybe, and you can hear I am starting to get a little more artistic and emotional with my speech here, and this is fuckin’ fantastic, this is good shit.  I am starting to enjoy this – even if we are not staying on a perfect topic, these ideas are still floating around this space and the ether for example, for example I remember how we started with a solution exists, that he does not have to be exhausted getting off work, and one of the examples that I had for that was a weird one, I say weird because it seems weird in my mind, of playing Final Fantasy 6 when he gets off work, some kind of continued process, of movin to the next step, moving to the next stage, and this, and this uh…that was a good idea and in and of itself, and we want to give a little hooti hoot energy too, and stay there a little bit.

And I’ll tell you what, what is so cool what I’m doing right now, what I’m doing righ now is so cool because of what I’m not doing right now, and what I’m not doing right now is not allowing mindless chatter to go on in my mind.  I am not allowing that.  I am dis-allowing that.  And that is a bare minimum of what is going on right now.  Of course there is meditation music in the background and we are chopping watermelons, but what also is going on right now is playing with conscious voice and every once in a while, for example right now when I said every once in a while, becoming aware of my own voice and how I am speaking these things.

So the awareness that I am using is shifting between the ideas I am playing with, versus shifting to how I am manipulating my voice.  Not quite that so much, but more observing and hearing the words come out of my mouth as I am speaking them.  And for now I think I am going to rest this speech, and I may pick it up again in a second.  

But we’ve reached 12 and a half minutes, and that’s badass.  I’m going to put this whole transcript of recording on my blog.

June 9, 2019 Pleasures of Observational Focus

This morning as I did some of my writings and meditations, I noticed that I am presently growing more fond of this observational stance, and enjoying the “non-attached” feeling and way of looking at things.

I want to go into more depth here, because I think this idea of “non-attachment” has been blown way out of proportion and is very misleading, at least from where I have traditionally viewed it.  Because the feeling I am learning more recently to enjoy more is Yoda’s version of non-attachment when he refers to Luke’s impatience as “Always his mind on the future, and never on where he was, and what he was doing.”  Because I am finding so much interest in value in the focus on what it is I am actually doing.  This goes into opposition from my usual stance of the “longing for bigger things,” which that focus of energy so frequently just *destroys* me.

Got lost into the world of distractions a little this morning, but not so much that I couldn’t get out of it with some 10 minute focused writings and enjoy those, especially enjoy the process of how they were bringing me back into a whole realm of focus.

Now it’s time for some breakfast – eggs and oatmeal, followed by a pleasant day of finishing up some writing papers.  First day of training work tomorrow.

Also P.S. watched the Netflix film ‘Mother’ last night, which was pretty neat in many regards, except I think it seemed like they couldn’t figure out what to do with the ending…or at least I didn’t get it.

P.P.S.  While flipping through some OKCupid profiles, I once again am at this confusing stance of looking at the girls as some whole grouping, or the choice of looking at them as individuals.  It’s a difficult dynamic.  Of course the grouping is useful in a psychological way, because they are all prone to that, but the individual is cool in a Soul kind of way, but the second you *think* that is more prevalent, you will get body slammed.  Interesting anyways.