August 10, 2019 Morning Meditation and Wisdom

3:07pm

Right now I think I am walking this edge of ‘staying focused with the arena I have built up this morning,’ versus the slight pull in the direction of fear, mindlessness, and distraction.  

What is working to my benefit right now is that the way forward, the tasks that I have slowly been accumulating, are helping me to stay focused in the direction of the mindset and energy that I have begun playing with since I arose from my morning nap around 11am this morning.  

(The first time I woke up around 7:30am, I stayed up for a little bit, but ultimately wanted to go back to bed, listening to Zack Hemsey’s “I Can Get It Back” – which curiously seeped into my dream awareness – and when I awoke, I just laid in bed for a while not wanting to get out of bed.  I rotated and flexed my ankles in bed for a while, stretching them out, and I think this helped ease the strain in my calf muscles from my preparatory running expeditions I have been training in.  

The lying in bed upon awakening is a strange thing to look at in and of itself, because part of me thinks it is an awful form of depression, of everything in the world seeming like too much and I’ll never go anywhere or move or do anything, but ultimately I seem to get out of bed eventually at some time, so here I must conclude that ofttimes these lying in bed sessions [when I have the time] are rather appropriate responses in respecting those parts of myself that want to lie in bed.  Add to this the fact that I do have the strong tendency to blow everything up in my life as ‘large permanent states.’  What I mean by ‘large permanent states’ is that my mind gets locked into the large perception that I am trapped in this way of being, and that it will never change, and making any step in any positive direction of taking care of something is not enough.  [I’m pretty sure this has to do with my Mercury conjunct Jupiter conjunct Neptune in my Astrological Chart].  What generally helps me best get out of these states is the conscious reminder to myself of something along the lines of: “You literally don’t have to do anything other than be prepared to go into work on Monday afternoon” (and for this particular story, today, the time is around 12pm ish Saturday).  Thus you can get an idea of where my mental-emotional state gets locked into conjuring up all of these things that I think I have to do, likely adding a lot of pressure and weight to my non-physical bodies, [thereby subtly affecting my physical body to some degree]).

I can’t say to what degree the fifteen minute meditation method from the book “Believe It, Think It, Achieve It” by Sidney McCartney…

I did this meditation pretty much the first thing after affirming to myself that I didn’t have to do anything other than be to work by Monday afternoon –

…helped with my current focus and work, but consciously I have to assume it had far more a powerful effect than I presently consciously realize.  

(Haha…isn’t that funny, how part of me “consciously affirms that it likely had far more influence on me than I consciously recognize.”  I can’t analyze this statement right now because for me that is another form of distraction, but it does feel like a statement highly worth analyzing in greater detail – I.e. it looks like a rather powerful awareness.  But it is a distraction [for me personally] because my mind comes up with that kind of shit all the time]).  

The Moon is presently in Sagittarius, my 1st House, so this current work here and flow isn’t all that surprising.  The workings of Astrology in this way use to piss me off, but maybe I am making a little more peace with it now.

I think this is a fair place to close down the writing, and move over to practicing some of my speech and voice skills with some video recordings.  

Thanks for reading.

P.S.  To add a little note about he music entering the dream, it’s so fascinating the way that works, because in the dream, I’ll try to remove all sorts of headphones or do whatever I can to get the music to stop so I can hear in the dream, but it never works, like when you pee a lot in the dream, but you still have to go.  I am so curious by this blending of worlds…*maybe* there is a way to take just the next step and get the music to wake me up within the dream for some lucid dreaming…at the very least, it is very “Inception”-like (the movie with Leonardo Dicaprio).  I have not yet tried this out with music *timers* or cues, so the music stops of its own accord eventually, or maybe starts and stops…might be worth playing with if I can structure it into my lifestyle in the midst of my ADHD-like personality and way of being.

P.P.S.  See, if you’ll look at the start of the third bracket, I put a ( to indicate I was going off on a side-story or tangent, and upon re-reading it, l finally added the end ).  SEE HOW FAR MY TANGENTS AND DISTRACTIONS CAN TAKE ME?!  EVEN IF THEY ARE INTERESTING, lol…fuuuuckckkk…..

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July 2, 2019 Foot Clenches

Yesterday once again after work I noticed how tired and sore my feet were.  I don’t know what causes this because I am not on my feet for too long throughout the day (right now I wonder if that is part of the issue, is just that they know I have not traditionally been too much on my feet lately, and they are trying to readjust, and put me more on my feet?).  And it gets kind of annoying, because I do want to be on my feet, and not have them be sore and wanting to be off my feet.

But this morning I uncovered a fun thing that may help.  Foot clenches.  It’s kind of like that scene in Die Hard I suppose where the man on the flight tells John McClain about grabbing the carpet with toes.  And the reason why I think this may help is that yesterday I picked up some compression socks, and I think it was on the package that I’d read that the foot soreness or tiredness may be due to poor circulation (although I also wonder if my energy is getting clogged down there?  Which I guess could also be tied in with poor circulation…), so…….

……sooooo my clenching of feet is this fun idea almost like a pumping heart, or squeezing those black rubbber balls that tighten blood pressure cuffs, or any kind of squeezing pump.  Right now I am enjoying this theorizing idea that if I squeeze or “pump” my feet frequently enough throughout the day, that the circulation will continue to flow.  Also of fun value is noticing that when I do pump my feet, that there are feelings and sensations of connected nerves further up my body.  Same kind of principle when I clench that sex pelvic area (I forget the name of that).

Anyways…Pump on.  Like Arnold.

P.S.  I am thinking now I want to change the name of my blog to something like “Unapologetic Desires” or “Unabashed Reality.”  That seems more focused fitting meaning of the direction I’d like to go, rather than the idea of “just an old goat talking nonsense.”  Haha.

P.P.S.  Welcome back to some fire (Mars and Mercury).