August 1, 2019 Stream of Consciousness

(The below is from a journal entry of August 1, 2019, while I was initially waiting for the bus. I continued for most of my bus ride home, roughly about an hour-ish. Then as I concentrated, I began to feel panicky, tried some deep breaths, but came out of it as I was working more on some controlled breaths, leading to a cool powerful conclusion)


6:35pm: Speech Writing.

That is the stuff I’m talking about! Pizza and speech writing and a movie? It all seems to be a bit much for tonight, does it not, Sir?

The movie could have to do with the Leo Moon energies … and the Dicaprio film was a possibility, but as he heard, the whispery echo reverberate from his speech writing, he began to relax.

And he knew that everything was going to be ok,

as he began to understand what it means to let go

and enjoy an unfolding new direction of what conscious creation entails.

Long has the curiosity held him of whether or not he was creating the tension with his longings of wanting it now, and straining too hard with forces he isn’t yet familar.

En route back to home base, he keeps his wits about him without constraint, but adopting more of the Tiger energy … Not afraid to harness that energy,

because it seems that ofttimes the second he “tries to focus” on something, the panicky force comes around.

… is he, by his campfire, afraid of his own mind, of falling into that mental chatter that pulls him down into despair?

Remain with the Tiger.

Get that breath control down … it seems important to avoid the panic.

Tiger’s Breath.

A fighter’s breath

… and the breath has helped you to stay present when facing that addictive pull of video games.

your breath has helped you to keep an even keel

when sailing the ship,

and navigating [not treachurous, but high adventurous waters] seas filled with sparkling luring treasures of awesomeness, but also lots of icebergs, and debris of pain from the ships of previous voyages,

of previous attempts to fly.

[The crazy wild pirate would help you out infinitely there…

HA! It’s good to be cautious and careful, it’s better to be courageous than cautious … but still it’s best to be crazy.

A tempered crazy … yes … Now breathe;

it seems yes like Mercury is full underway direct,

and praise be the gods may they shine down their assistance (is there a god who is the patron saint of angels?)

and tie in our willingness to go full speed ahead without looking back the other way, because ultimately it does not matter WHEN WE PLAY THE LONG GAME and maintain lookout and sights on the BIGGER PICTURE, because the ping pong of your decisions and the confidence you build in making decisions and trust in yourself to make decisions as you proceed forward as you press onward.

Steady as she goes.

NOT like the Titanic.

Thank you Jack Dawson.

P.S. Finding out how coffee withdrawls led to depressive-like symptoms has increased my resolve to rid myself of this addiction. The other day when I celebrated saying goodbye to coffee, I was whistling the Christmas tune Ben Afleck does at the end of the great movie Reindeer Games.

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July 2, 2019 Foot Clenches

Yesterday once again after work I noticed how tired and sore my feet were.  I don’t know what causes this because I am not on my feet for too long throughout the day (right now I wonder if that is part of the issue, is just that they know I have not traditionally been too much on my feet lately, and they are trying to readjust, and put me more on my feet?).  And it gets kind of annoying, because I do want to be on my feet, and not have them be sore and wanting to be off my feet.

But this morning I uncovered a fun thing that may help.  Foot clenches.  It’s kind of like that scene in Die Hard I suppose where the man on the flight tells John McClain about grabbing the carpet with toes.  And the reason why I think this may help is that yesterday I picked up some compression socks, and I think it was on the package that I’d read that the foot soreness or tiredness may be due to poor circulation (although I also wonder if my energy is getting clogged down there?  Which I guess could also be tied in with poor circulation…), so…….

……sooooo my clenching of feet is this fun idea almost like a pumping heart, or squeezing those black rubbber balls that tighten blood pressure cuffs, or any kind of squeezing pump.  Right now I am enjoying this theorizing idea that if I squeeze or “pump” my feet frequently enough throughout the day, that the circulation will continue to flow.  Also of fun value is noticing that when I do pump my feet, that there are feelings and sensations of connected nerves further up my body.  Same kind of principle when I clench that sex pelvic area (I forget the name of that).

Anyways…Pump on.  Like Arnold.

P.S.  I am thinking now I want to change the name of my blog to something like “Unapologetic Desires” or “Unabashed Reality.”  That seems more focused fitting meaning of the direction I’d like to go, rather than the idea of “just an old goat talking nonsense.”  Haha.

P.P.S.  Welcome back to some fire (Mars and Mercury).

Sick At Home May 10, 2019

For the last few days, mostly yesterday, and a little bit the day before, I have been a bit sick.  A minor cold, but yesterday especially I felt the great wonderful feeling of just wanting to lie about, and it was nice, because that was the primary priority that I was to be doing.  It was the ideal activity for getting better, and I think it was also a nice help for cleansing more and quitting more of the smoking that I had recently re-quit (like 3-4 days free off it, after going at cigars and cigarettes for over two weeks, bleh!).  So getting sick, as I like to say, is still one of the best ways to quit smoking.  And in general, I think it offers a nice little life reset.  I am already starting to feel the incoming fresh energies, so I am curious to see where this goes.

Although now that I think of it, I don’t like using this phrase here – “I’m curious to see where this goes.”  While of course the curiosity is a good thing, I don’t like this mentality of the new age to just be “open to where it goes.”  Because I am wanting to learn how to take charge of my life, to have a role in directing where it goes.

Ok that is a good place to start.  (Good – now in this write-up, you are reading and witnessing me think as I write in the present.  Most of this I will not edit, except I will edit a little here and there for clarity, but it is fun having insights occurring as I am typing, which isn’t necessarily *new* for me at all, but it is often something that I don’t share with people, except when talking in the moment, and most of them don’t get super curious – they just kind of stand there either awe-struck or waiting until the crazy man stops talking.

ANYWAYS…let’s go back to “that is a good place to start.”  Because “…to have a role in directing where it goes” makes a nice agreement and ‘working with’ energy as opposed to either A) just seeing where it goes or B) forcefully trying to take dictator control of where it goes.

So to re-emphasize, “to have a role in directing where it goes” seems like a nice starting point, a place where the energy is still relaxed, but that I am playing a role, that I do have control at least in some arena.  Both are important.  And now I am rambling.

What then would my role be?  Choosing my physical location seems possible.  Creating and making specific plans is *still* a very delicate process for me, because it’s hard to get a balance point between “doing nothing” and “forcing a rigid structure that feels confining.”  He did already write a few things down today which seems like a good direction to go.

(Why is it a good direction?)

  1. It’s very simple.  I’m still recovering from the sickness, so nothing too huge.  Also not very confining because they are a list of 4 things, 1-3 words each.
  2. The activities are geared toward points of growth I think would help me better direct my growth.
  3. There is plenty of space within the perception of these activities and directions to infuse a more epic story, or a bigger picture, or more depth, (or a certain phrasing I can’t quite put to words right now), rather than just going along completing meaningless, unfulfilling tasks.

 

I’m going to stop here because this is getting too long, and has stopped going anywhere.  But was a good practice.  “Serenity” by Godsmack just started playing on Pandora, and the lyrics mentioned “thoughts….” and “When will we learn to control?”

Because as you can see, even in this post I was fairly scattered, but I do believe it is possible to, like the building energies I was talking about earlier, to more focusedly direct that shit rather than just scatter-gun it.

P.S.  Also I do want to add that being sick at home has helped me get more into the feeling of “home” at my new home.  I’m still just 2 weeks new here, and prior to this home, I have been mostly wandering the roads for 8 months, so it’s a big transition for me, but really important.