Thoughts of Early Morning

(*author’s note* The Below is some stuff I was going through in the wee early morning hours 4am of 9/21/2017…AFTER I got out of bed…and I decided to post this based on one of my reasonings below…)

Some fuckin’ dream…about that I wanted to road trip to the North Carolina, but I didn’t know what the fuck I was going to do there.

 

And mom was going to follow me.  And I didn’t like that one bit.  (And now my gaze is drifted toward a can that says “Slap ya mama.”)—–if I become OK with weird or ‘evil’ or ‘mean’ looking thoughts, will that help open my mind to more ways of thinking?  EX – imagining slapping my mama?——

 

The thoughts as I tossed and turned in bed were fucking annoyingly painful (not real pain, but annoying annoying angry stupid shit), UNTIL I DECIDED TO TAKE COMMAND.

 

Then they quieted down and the only thing that echoed was my resounding conscious thoughts(‘Echo’ is the wrong word here, because actually there was no echo, just me slowly booming my directives)……..was I really *wanting* an Echo?  As if I were “wanting some kind of response?”  Wanting to get a reaction?  Reaction seeking? 

 

But another annoying thing in bed was how much it seemed I am just a ball of negativity, like…am I so feeling and thinking so negative so much of the time?

 

Also, after I read H’s text, I thought it best to ignore her.  (and not “her” specifically, but if someone says something I don’t like, then I don’t have to fucking respond).  Although the other fun idea (not with H’s text, but fun idea that popped up), the other fun idea was:

I can create a response I want to say.”

 

——————————————————————————————-

AND SOMEHOW PARTS OF ME THINKS THAT IS LESS HONEST THAN AUTOMATED “SAYING FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND???”

——————————————————————————————

                (Somehow, in some weird way…the *above* almost seems to imply it would be a *good*               practice to write for an audience…because then you are *more actively choosing responses* and       *choosing what you want to put out there*)

At least the forecast for the Full Moon coming up ‘seemed awright.’  And looking at the Astrology, there’s this reminder I guess of “You’re going through some shit…take it easy, dawg.  However you’re feeling is OK.”

 

Going Easy on Yourself ———-VS———*NOT* settling for this shithole life

                                                                                                …this shithole “attitude.” 

WHAT IS IT? 

———————————————————————————–

ANYWAYS…there *does* seem to be some sort of a shift, at least in the smallest recognizable way, of choosing things *not* because “I think it will get somewhere on the quest,”

but because “I don’t fucking feel like being that way,” or “I fucking feel like doing it, so I’m gonna do it.”  

                FOR EX.  Choosing to FIGHT, or CONSCIOUSLY DIRECT MY THOUGHTS, *NOT* to achieve some END, but because I’d rather FIGHT than WHINE/BITCH

                                I’d rather DIRECT my thoughts than listen to them run their fuckin’ mouths

————————————————————————————–

 

LET’S STOP HERE AND REFLECT/REVIEW.  NO NEED TO ADD TO ALL THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW.

 

P.S.  Ok, one last thing…still curious on focusing on this idea of “What would it be like to let go of the past?”  (And I noticed how focusing on that, or at least remembering that key phrase, that almost *poof* eliminated any annoying thought that came up, because they were hauntings of the past)

 

OK STOP TIME

Daniel…*don’t listen to anyone else’s perspective on what courage looks like, or what niceness is, or any of that other nonsensical bullshit.*  Because:

  1. A) They’re probably fucking wrong
  2. B) You’re playing a much different game than them.

 

 

“Until I decided to Take Command of this shithole attitude.”

Advertisements

How My Mind Works When I’m Restless But Ok

(The following is me sitting in acoffee shop….for about an hour, hour 15 min.?  Today was crazy, not in “shit happened crazy” but “energetically crazy” as in, “I NEED TO DO SHIT BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO” which is quite often where I am…but….well just read it slowly…..because I WROTE IT SLOWLY….that’s how it was meant).  Essentially, this is as close as you may get to inside my mind and how it works, when im focused on being aware).

—————————————————————————————————————————-

 

Q: What does your heart say?

 

(Is it as simple as: “Whatever you create with your thoughts, do it with love?”)

 

Q: Are you ok Daniel?

 

I’m FINE (said in an angry voice). 

 

What does it feel like?

 

Like…there’s something I *should* be doing…but I don’t know what…

 

Are you ok with not *shoulding* on yourself?

 

Yes…maybe…but I *wonder* if the NOT CREATING is the reason I’m restless like this…

 

But YOU DON’T KNOW THAT, right?  That is your assumption?

 

True…

 

I’m with you Daniel.

 

Thank you.

 

I wonder what she’s doing right now…

 

(Funny how that was kind of a nice thought, but then there were whispers that said “don’t worry about her!”  But…why not?  If that thought is pleasant?)

 

I wish I knew how I worked.

 

What if you did?

 

GOOD JOB on not going destructive.

 

Let’s go observer mode.

 

OK!

 

A part of you seems to be *scrambling*

(Which part?)

BECAUSE…I think we had this thought earlier…if you TRULY ARE IN COMMAND…THEN YOU CAN choose to sit here at the table in peace.

HAHA

 

The scrambling part…it’s got to be the one that thinks “Gotta do some shit!”

(…even though I KNOW it is best to NOT do shit, unless you do it out of LOVE)

 

This is why we take the cold showers…to see how it’s ok for the *scrambling* to take place…

 

I wonder if this is like when all that shit attacked the Buddha…and he sat there in his peace…

 

DARK HORSE!!!  Listening to music is actually quite awesome.

 

(Are we getting comfortable with this energy?  Instead of running from it?)

 

I’m calming down…and now “Sexy Back” is playing….HAHAHAHA……maybe I AM bringing “Sexy” (Me) back……

 

I think it IS good to go home tomorrow…the weather won’t be terrible.  And I think you’ll be more relaxed at home.  It’ll be really nice to see Heather I think.  As long as you keep your cool.

 

Ready for a chapter in “Game?”  haha.  After ALL, Daniel…we are NOT needing to *create create create!* haahhahhah……….NOT UNTIL WE HAVE OUR CENTER!!!!

 

(“Disturbia” – “feels like I’m going insane, yeah!”  hahhahahhahha I KNEW there was a reason I loved this song.)

 

“A disease of the mind, it can control you!”    LOLZ  fuuuuuuuuck THIS SONG……

 

***BONUS HINT for you fuckers (the readers)……..THERE IS A GOOD REASON FOR WHY YOU LOVE THE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE…….pay attention and get curious about it.

 

9:42pm  Now I’m maybe getting a little buzzed.  2nd beer and trollin’ some facebook, but it’s FUN.  Is DARK HORSE really on again?  Or was it a different song earlier?

 

9:43pm  OK….OMG it was E.T…….those songs ARE familiar so, please forgive me.  And as I thumbed through the songs I have listened to, I WANT to say “Fock…..time has SLOWED DOWN!”  But….I forgot I took a few minutes to troll facebook with the evil clown from Saw….hahahah.

 

10:05pm  Ok now I have to pee….let’s post this transcript.  BECAUSE!!!!!

Prelude to “Planning for Dreamers”

Fuck yesterday.

Started out o.k. humpty dumpty.  Made it to the coffee shop to work on my life’s blueprint.  The gorgeous coffee girl who gives great personal attention was there.  Saw an old co-worker friend there from oh about 9 years ago.  Made it to the gym and beat the shit out of the punching bags (I’ve only done this 3 times now, but beating on punching bags is becoming my fav), working on destroying some perceptions.  Took a nap in the middle of campus.  Drove up to Vidabou, too much snow, so went to Happy Jack.  Did a little walk in the nowhere, got to a sitting/viewing spot, starting talking out loud, and then cried.

A lot.

NOT like the day before, where after leaving Beauty and the Beast, I was getting deeply emotionally sad about being lonely, was going to put on some music in my car accordingly, but my phone decided to start with “Kings Never Die” and continue with Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop.”  The music clashed with my emotions, but usually I support the notion of “when weird fate intervenes, go with it, at least for a little bit.”  What happened was my deep heavy emotions transmuted (yes, I think this is a bit of some real alchemy here folks…done it a few times, but only a few, so not really sure how it goes, but it’s good shit) into some heavy somewhat-badass-somewhat-mad-but-super-focused-goodness.

Not so with Happy Jack.  Let loose with victim tears.  However, one small little tiny hopeful thought en route back to car was “You can’t be lonely, Daniel, because I’m here.”  Like, I don’t know how many ya’all are fond of splitting yourself up, but I LOVE IT.  So here, it’s one part of me saying to another part of me “Through thick and thin, I got your back.  I won’t leave you.  Regardless of people, regardless of dose fockin’ Angels, etc., I WILL BE WITH YOU ALWAYS.”  Reminded me of one idea I had a monthish ago of spending more time with the notion of “The Warrior and the Boy.”  The Boy is awesome, but if the Warrior goes off charging somewhere leaving the Boy unprotected, he becomes very sad (and the fockin’ Warrior DOES have a huge habit of charging off places).

More crying at home.  Watched the movie “Gone Baby Gone.”  (I guess it was Ben’s director debut.  Is anyone else SUPER HAPPY that he’s gone from getting made fun of for ‘Pearl Harbor’ to becoming a badass director?  Is he a producer too?  I really don’t know what producers do…).

Now it was 9:45pm ish.  Nothing left to do.  Earlier I had wanted to play a perception game, see if I could create a perception for myself along the lines of “excited to go to the bar” or “excitedly believing I might fuck.”  And if I achieved that perception, I’d go out.  If not, oh well, then I’d stay in.  Didn’t try to create the perception.  Probably because I went to Vidavou instead.  Whatever.  Tried to sleep.  Sleep seems to be the drug of choice (at least for me) when I’m despairing and nothing in life sounds worth doing.  I do *NOT* support it.  Fuckin’ sleep if you’re tired, but NOT when you’re wide awake.  For anyone that’s ever been locked up in something like an institution, maybe you also found it disgusting how they drug people to sleep for days.  “They’re recovering” say the doctors/staff/nurses.  Bull-fucking-shit I think…they’re fucking zombies. 

There is a reason why depressed people sleep A LOT and they struggle to even get out of bed.  And the reason is NOT because “they need their rest.”  Stupidestfuckingthinga’kjdkfoiaufdjflk;dj.

Woke up at 2am.

Fuck that too.

Often, I’m excited to wake up in the middle of the night, because it’s often a calling for something special.  Fockin’ Spirits woke me up…they don’t do it just to fuck with you (well, maybe for you, but I have not experienced such before, to my awareness). 

But I was not pleased…still depressing funk.  Sat on the couch for a bit, staring at the wall or my space around my apartment.  Eventually pulled open one of my old journals from way back when…two points came up:

  1. As I rode on a train next to a cutie, I wrote about her and worried that if she saw what I was writing, if she would think I was a creep.
  2. David Burns & daily schedules

The #1 doesn’t fit into this story, but I’ll just say “fuck that mentality of EVER wondering if you are being creepy.”  At the stop light on my way to the library today, I saw two young college girls in yoga pants waiting to cross the street.  Cute.  And the nice yoga pants, where the ass is perfectly showing, and maybe even a little bit of cooter (that’s one of the words for vagina, right?).  But I couldn’t keep staring if I wanted to, because “someone might see” (I think she even might have when she looked hahah…maybe she just looked to see if it was safe to cross), “and think I was a creep.”  Now here’s the FUCKING REALITY OF IT PEOPLE…These girls CHOSE to wear yoga pants.  Yup, their choice.  Good for them.  But MY EYES are MY CHOICE.  And WHERE I decide to put MY EYES…IS NEVER CREEPY.

Yeah…sure it feels a little weird for people to look at you, or even stare at you.  I’m actually quite fascinated by WHY THIS IS…(easy to come up with a few solid theories).  But GUESS WHAT.  It’s out of your control.  Not up to you.  For your whole life, people are gonna look.  So this is where we put on our big boy-and-girl pants and deal with it, right?

ANYWAYS…(lol see how easy it is for my mind to get off topic?)

#2…Daily Schedules…Planning

PLANNING is what I was up for, what would take me out of my present funk.

(TO BE CONTINUED IN “PLANNING FOR DREAMERS”)