August 1, 2019 Stream of Consciousness

(The below is from a journal entry of August 1, 2019, while I was initially waiting for the bus. I continued for most of my bus ride home, roughly about an hour-ish. Then as I concentrated, I began to feel panicky, tried some deep breaths, but came out of it as I was working more on some controlled breaths, leading to a cool powerful conclusion)


6:35pm: Speech Writing.

That is the stuff I’m talking about! Pizza and speech writing and a movie? It all seems to be a bit much for tonight, does it not, Sir?

The movie could have to do with the Leo Moon energies … and the Dicaprio film was a possibility, but as he heard, the whispery echo reverberate from his speech writing, he began to relax.

And he knew that everything was going to be ok,

as he began to understand what it means to let go

and enjoy an unfolding new direction of what conscious creation entails.

Long has the curiosity held him of whether or not he was creating the tension with his longings of wanting it now, and straining too hard with forces he isn’t yet familar.

En route back to home base, he keeps his wits about him without constraint, but adopting more of the Tiger energy … Not afraid to harness that energy,

because it seems that ofttimes the second he “tries to focus” on something, the panicky force comes around.

… is he, by his campfire, afraid of his own mind, of falling into that mental chatter that pulls him down into despair?

Remain with the Tiger.

Get that breath control down … it seems important to avoid the panic.

Tiger’s Breath.

A fighter’s breath

… and the breath has helped you to stay present when facing that addictive pull of video games.

your breath has helped you to keep an even keel

when sailing the ship,

and navigating [not treachurous, but high adventurous waters] seas filled with sparkling luring treasures of awesomeness, but also lots of icebergs, and debris of pain from the ships of previous voyages,

of previous attempts to fly.

[The crazy wild pirate would help you out infinitely there…

HA! It’s good to be cautious and careful, it’s better to be courageous than cautious … but still it’s best to be crazy.

A tempered crazy … yes … Now breathe;

it seems yes like Mercury is full underway direct,

and praise be the gods may they shine down their assistance (is there a god who is the patron saint of angels?)

and tie in our willingness to go full speed ahead without looking back the other way, because ultimately it does not matter WHEN WE PLAY THE LONG GAME and maintain lookout and sights on the BIGGER PICTURE, because the ping pong of your decisions and the confidence you build in making decisions and trust in yourself to make decisions as you proceed forward as you press onward.

Steady as she goes.

NOT like the Titanic.

Thank you Jack Dawson.

P.S. Finding out how coffee withdrawls led to depressive-like symptoms has increased my resolve to rid myself of this addiction. The other day when I celebrated saying goodbye to coffee, I was whistling the Christmas tune Ben Afleck does at the end of the great movie Reindeer Games.

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July 29, 2019 Note from Journal Entry

Yesterday I wrote a page in my notebook that I thought about putting to the blog. I wrote it while out for a walk at Seaside, one of my favorite beaches. It was done in a more observational, reflective tone with lots of pause and space in between. Also I think it’s relevant to add that the tone [or lens of perception] I wrote in was “sad & depressing.”


July 28, 2019

6:08pm: I found the perfect little secluded place to watch the ocean.

Someone has done some good work here – it reminds me of Tom Cruise’s cabin in Oblivion.

Pretty little fat bumblebee wandering on the bush.

I don’t want to go back to Portland.

I wanted to write: “How the fuck am I supposed to write without coffee, cigarettes, and alcohol?”

Not that I ever wanted to be a writer. I’m not quite sure how I fell into doing it, but it does seem like he became quite reliant on those written words.

So much of the journey, and guidance from spirit still seems to indicate that it should be easy and that I keep fucking up.

I really like this spot.

July 2, 2019 Foot Clenches

Yesterday once again after work I noticed how tired and sore my feet were.  I don’t know what causes this because I am not on my feet for too long throughout the day (right now I wonder if that is part of the issue, is just that they know I have not traditionally been too much on my feet lately, and they are trying to readjust, and put me more on my feet?).  And it gets kind of annoying, because I do want to be on my feet, and not have them be sore and wanting to be off my feet.

But this morning I uncovered a fun thing that may help.  Foot clenches.  It’s kind of like that scene in Die Hard I suppose where the man on the flight tells John McClain about grabbing the carpet with toes.  And the reason why I think this may help is that yesterday I picked up some compression socks, and I think it was on the package that I’d read that the foot soreness or tiredness may be due to poor circulation (although I also wonder if my energy is getting clogged down there?  Which I guess could also be tied in with poor circulation…), so…….

……sooooo my clenching of feet is this fun idea almost like a pumping heart, or squeezing those black rubbber balls that tighten blood pressure cuffs, or any kind of squeezing pump.  Right now I am enjoying this theorizing idea that if I squeeze or “pump” my feet frequently enough throughout the day, that the circulation will continue to flow.  Also of fun value is noticing that when I do pump my feet, that there are feelings and sensations of connected nerves further up my body.  Same kind of principle when I clench that sex pelvic area (I forget the name of that).

Anyways…Pump on.  Like Arnold.

P.S.  I am thinking now I want to change the name of my blog to something like “Unapologetic Desires” or “Unabashed Reality.”  That seems more focused fitting meaning of the direction I’d like to go, rather than the idea of “just an old goat talking nonsense.”  Haha.

P.P.S.  Welcome back to some fire (Mars and Mercury).

June 9, 2019 Pleasures of Observational Focus

This morning as I did some of my writings and meditations, I noticed that I am presently growing more fond of this observational stance, and enjoying the “non-attached” feeling and way of looking at things.

I want to go into more depth here, because I think this idea of “non-attachment” has been blown way out of proportion and is very misleading, at least from where I have traditionally viewed it.  Because the feeling I am learning more recently to enjoy more is Yoda’s version of non-attachment when he refers to Luke’s impatience as “Always his mind on the future, and never on where he was, and what he was doing.”  Because I am finding so much interest in value in the focus on what it is I am actually doing.  This goes into opposition from my usual stance of the “longing for bigger things,” which that focus of energy so frequently just *destroys* me.

Got lost into the world of distractions a little this morning, but not so much that I couldn’t get out of it with some 10 minute focused writings and enjoy those, especially enjoy the process of how they were bringing me back into a whole realm of focus.

Now it’s time for some breakfast – eggs and oatmeal, followed by a pleasant day of finishing up some writing papers.  First day of training work tomorrow.

Also P.S. watched the Netflix film ‘Mother’ last night, which was pretty neat in many regards, except I think it seemed like they couldn’t figure out what to do with the ending…or at least I didn’t get it.

P.P.S.  While flipping through some OKCupid profiles, I once again am at this confusing stance of looking at the girls as some whole grouping, or the choice of looking at them as individuals.  It’s a difficult dynamic.  Of course the grouping is useful in a psychological way, because they are all prone to that, but the individual is cool in a Soul kind of way, but the second you *think* that is more prevalent, you will get body slammed.  Interesting anyways.

Consistency and Amma, June 5, 2019

Recently when I purchased a ‘Gaming Laptop,’ this big black clunky piece of hardware that was a seeming mixture of something large and clunky, or military-grade tech.  (Either way it felt awful just having it in my house for a few hours, so I returned it), BUT

recently when I was working at getting this Gaming Laptop, a store clerk gave me a speech about consistency because I had let on that I was thinking about doing some Twitch channel (that thing where you record yourself playing a video game and people watch it, I guess as if you are the announcer AND the player of the game, which is kind of interesting to think about right now…maybe we should go into this later?),BUT

for the Twitch channel, or a Youtube channel, or anything where I would put myself on the internet as some celebrity entertainer and get money for it, she recommended consistency consistency consistency.

Ordinarily this term scares me, and I think my aversion to it is one thing that seems to severely impede my growth towards awesome epicness (fucking ICK….I almost wrote ‘personal growth’ or ‘growth as an individual’ but let’s get fucking REAL here….that kind of shit is not only annoying, but it is severely *boring*.  Let’s get back to awesome epicness).

The *caveat* though, is that either this girl who told me about consistency or someone else brought up the very important and relevant point that: Even though you are doing the same shit, it is *not* going to be the same every time.

BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO IMPROVE, YOU ARE GOING TO GET BETTER.  YOU ARE GOING TO LEARN DIFFERENT THINGS, TUNE AND REFINE.

With that being said, I write this post as an intention that I can get more consistent with publishing things.  Because it seems like a good idea to get myself toward an individualized income, AND to get my VOICE out there more so I don’t keep it shut in and quiet while everyone else is poisoning the frequencies.

And I’m in Washington.  Seeing Amma tomorrow.  Yay.

Another Devastating Blow March 16, 2019

“Yesterday, our ship suffered major catastrophic damage to the hull, but thankfully none of the crew were life-threateningly injured or killed.  And the good news, after the day’s devastation was all said and done, was the Captain still had the wherewithal to do a damage-assessment and check on the crew.  He did not succumb in entirety this time to the wallows of despair.”

It is one of those things that really pisses me off about this journey, and it is also something with which I have made no peace whatsoever yet – the only mantras that I have tried to attempt to adopt was “Why do we fall, Bruce?” and “When you are going through hell, keep going.”  Because it isn’t any sort of “Heroic Journey” or “Deep spiritual undertaking” or any of that nonsensical bullshit the Joy-Crack Peddlers peddle (I love this term I’ve coined: Joy-Crack Peddlers).  Fuck them and their flowers and their promises of peace and serenity.

Because yeah, it seems to be the encouragement, at least for me, to “Create, plan, make your own way, pursue your desires!” but whenever I begin to try and adopt these methods, and whenever I begin to make just the least amount of progress, then WHAM from nowhere-in-fucking-particular comes an emotional / psychological breakdown where I can’t fucking function.  (Hence my jaded bitterness that may or may not be recognizeable in this post, but is in much of the way I live my life.  However, people don’t get to see it, because the only appropriate response whenever someone asks: “How are you?” is “Good, how are you?”).

ANYWAYS…in recovery mode this morning, and from the wake of our devastating blow, we are at least appreciating and making more use of “The Silence.”

And here are two side-stories from this morning:

 

Side Story 1

Pre-breakfast, while collecting food in the buffet room, I am once again pondering how I am going to complete my homework, which I fucking dread.  And it is terribly difficult for me to creatively accomplish tasks, which my homework requires, when I am dreadfully fucking dreading it.  It’s like I can just take the slave-master’s whippings and try to slog through it, or I can stay away and try to creatively do whatever it takes to change my mindset and approach to it (Neither strategies are at this point very effective, by the way).

So while collecting my food, I did ask one of those semi-useful questions: “What is one thing [anything] that would help you with your homework today?”

And at this moment I look up, and across the room I see a smiling dude with short black hair, and I think: “If Nicolas Cage came to hang out.”

(Haha. Sometimes why I love my thoughts and me – they aren’t always fucking assholes…in fact, my thoughts making me frequently laugh is one of those few consolations that keeps me going).

 

Side Story 2

Post-breakfast, I am sitting at my table with my unfinished glass of water and coffee in front of me (fuck you coffee, you last-bastion-of-addictions-that-pretends-to-be-harmless), and I sink (not physically) a little deeper into what I like to experience and refer to as “The Silence” (basically put, a mostly silencing of thought – I uncovered this last summer and have been playing/dabbling with it ever since).  The Silence was really the only thing that was at all therapeutic yesterday after our meltdown, after our Starship suffered heavy losses, hence my continued fixation and fascination with it since.  And I pepper in *just a few* sprinklings of intentional/imaginary thought, or those thoughts that may have arisen and were at least semi-positive, meaning they were more positive than my current state of overall being.

And as I’m happily beginning to enjoy this interplay of mixing The Silence with a peppering of positive maintained thoughts / imaginations (Probably 80:20 ratio, silence:thought-sprinkles), 3 people walk around my table behind me.  One of them ever-so-slightly bumps into my chair.  I slowly turn my head and think:

“Dude, I will fucking snap your neck in two.”

(Ha, that still makes me giggle a little as I type it out…)

 

And finally, I’ve attached a pretty good insight and positive hand grenade that has spawned from some of my homework research (Heh…just came up with that bit of the hand grenade…nice work, Sir).

Addictions Quote

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*Special Author’s Note* I have decided to add this addendum to add a flicker of positivity to what I deem an overall negative, albeit honest, post.  While sitting down to work on some homework, I saw a dude wearing a shirt that read: “Train. Reign.” (with Reign printed below Train, both words in big capitalized letters covering the shirt). 

And DESPITE the [seemingly inevitable] emotional and psychological breakdowns that I experience, I still happily hold to the FACT that: “Regardless of my inability to control the rest of my life, I still have the power to shape my ass into a nice firm shapely booty.”  The gym and body sculpture reamins one of my fixed points of “If nothing else, At least this I can do.”

*End Note*

The Battle Continues March 14, 2019

6:34am: He awoke with the fervor of 10,000 lions.  Renewed for battle, he cherishes the memory and the ease with which he was able to slide right back into concentration,

and there is an interesting conflict here, where those forces that seek to maintain dominion over what they refer to as the “status quo,” but really is just the kind of shit to keep us down.

It was against the concentration, telling the concentration that IT is not real.

HOW DARE YOU try to tell the concentration that it is not real.

Another really good point that I want to mention is this morning, in support of your concentration, you had a favorable glimpse concerning the future,

that the things you have been building on and improving and fine tuning will continue to grow in support of you.

He is excited to wage war once again, to do battle alongside his allies.

In fact, if those so-called “facts” would do battle against my Concentration, and they would weigh you down nwith their negativity,

then they are NOT TO BE TRUSTED REGARDLESS.

Not only are they NOT to be trusted if they are not ‘Loving Support,’

but they are also not to be trusted because they are Irrational FUCKS.

And the best way to deal with irrational fucks is NOT to argue with them rationally, because then you are buying into their world,

BUT you are to respond in kind, with your own irrationality.

For example:

Negative Fuck-Voices: “You’ll never achieve your success.  You’ll never see value in yourself.”

Appropriate Response: “HOYTEE TOYTEE!”

Another appropriate response is to lean into your concentration further, steel your resolve and your power within it, because it is within your capability.

Relax into your powers of concentration.

 

A Simple Exercise

I uncovered this exercise while walking in the gym yesterday.  You can do it basically anytime and anywhere, and it’s awesome.  Look forward, and relax your eyes and your gaze.  What we are aiming for here is that you are not looking at any object specifically.  It’s almost like using 100% of your periphereal vision.  Or to help or think of this another way, it’s like you are just “looking” at your imagination, or focusing on something else, like how your knee is feeling.

But the important thing is that your eyes are relaxed and not focused on any particular object.  Then, slowly swivel your head to the right 90 degrees, then slowly swivel it back to forward, and left 90 degrees all while doing your best to keep your eyes relaxed and not turning their flickering focus to any objects that come into view.

You might notice their tendency to do this initially, and it’s a really fun quirk to notice, but it is pretty EASY to notice results of being able to swivel your head like an owl without your eyes darting to some object, but maintaining their glaze-like relaxed expression.

Just make sure you are going slow enough to recognize if your eyes are flitting about, or lingering too long in one direction.

I think this exercise will have profound applications, but one very simple easy benefit is that it will ENCOURAGE you to be less “hopping about to every fucking distraction that pops up.”

Because you aren’t interested in distractions.

You are interested only in what supports your goals.

Owl

Pisces Moon Cycle March 12, 2019

We’re approaching the First Quarter of this Pisces Moon Cycle, and while things are still belonging to the realm of the murkiness and the depths, you have found maneuverability within that murkiness and the depths.  Intentionally providing yourself the motivation and movement has been key, which is funny because one of the Astrologers you watched on Youtube who did a New Moon forecast talked about “This is the lazy man’s river, and it is an ideal time to just let the river take you and flow about.”

That has been quite the opposite of my experience.  Yes, the laziness is there, but no, there is no real flow to it.  If I sit, then I become immersed and emeshed in a sticky tar, buried in layers of taffy.  Yes, proceeding can feel like wading your way through a thick fog, and there is rather little feedback to dictate you are on the right course, but you keep pushing through nonetheless.

Maybe a better analogy would be consicously pushing through the tunnel of a birthing canal where it is dark and you don’t know where you are going, like if Neo weren’t coming out of an egg sack, but he were pushing continually through that goo of a tunnel.  But this picture is a little gross, so I prefer the simple graphic I made below of a ship sailing at sea on a dark night.

Ship At Sea At Night

You don’t really know where you are going because it is so dark, but you still have your light with you, and you still have to set course rather than drift aimlessly about.

 

Also, of course keeping up with whatever cleansing and purifying you do (drink water, have lots of diahrea and stuff), and do whatever your best is to stay away from nasty things like addictions and booze and whatever.  Fuck Facebook.

I’m noticing that the imagination play IS fun and helpful, but this morning in particular I found it refreshing to step out of the imagination and spend some time in the physical world (although initially a little scathing, like when you first open your windows to the bright sunlight).

Thoughts of Early Morning

(*author’s note* The Below is some stuff I was going through in the wee early morning hours 4am of 9/21/2017…AFTER I got out of bed…and I decided to post this based on one of my reasonings below…)

Some fuckin’ dream…about that I wanted to road trip to the North Carolina, but I didn’t know what the fuck I was going to do there.

 

And mom was going to follow me.  And I didn’t like that one bit.  (And now my gaze is drifted toward a can that says “Slap ya mama.”)—–if I become OK with weird or ‘evil’ or ‘mean’ looking thoughts, will that help open my mind to more ways of thinking?  EX – imagining slapping my mama?——

 

The thoughts as I tossed and turned in bed were fucking annoyingly painful (not real pain, but annoying annoying angry stupid shit), UNTIL I DECIDED TO TAKE COMMAND.

 

Then they quieted down and the only thing that echoed was my resounding conscious thoughts(‘Echo’ is the wrong word here, because actually there was no echo, just me slowly booming my directives)……..was I really *wanting* an Echo?  As if I were “wanting some kind of response?”  Wanting to get a reaction?  Reaction seeking? 

 

But another annoying thing in bed was how much it seemed I am just a ball of negativity, like…am I so feeling and thinking so negative so much of the time?

 

Also, after I read H’s text, I thought it best to ignore her.  (and not “her” specifically, but if someone says something I don’t like, then I don’t have to fucking respond).  Although the other fun idea (not with H’s text, but fun idea that popped up), the other fun idea was:

I can create a response I want to say.”

 

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AND SOMEHOW PARTS OF ME THINKS THAT IS LESS HONEST THAN AUTOMATED “SAYING FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND???”

——————————————————————————————

                (Somehow, in some weird way…the *above* almost seems to imply it would be a *good*               practice to write for an audience…because then you are *more actively choosing responses* and       *choosing what you want to put out there*)

At least the forecast for the Full Moon coming up ‘seemed awright.’  And looking at the Astrology, there’s this reminder I guess of “You’re going through some shit…take it easy, dawg.  However you’re feeling is OK.”

 

Going Easy on Yourself ———-VS———*NOT* settling for this shithole life

                                                                                                …this shithole “attitude.” 

WHAT IS IT? 

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ANYWAYS…there *does* seem to be some sort of a shift, at least in the smallest recognizable way, of choosing things *not* because “I think it will get somewhere on the quest,”

but because “I don’t fucking feel like being that way,” or “I fucking feel like doing it, so I’m gonna do it.”  

                FOR EX.  Choosing to FIGHT, or CONSCIOUSLY DIRECT MY THOUGHTS, *NOT* to achieve some END, but because I’d rather FIGHT than WHINE/BITCH

                                I’d rather DIRECT my thoughts than listen to them run their fuckin’ mouths

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LET’S STOP HERE AND REFLECT/REVIEW.  NO NEED TO ADD TO ALL THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW.

 

P.S.  Ok, one last thing…still curious on focusing on this idea of “What would it be like to let go of the past?”  (And I noticed how focusing on that, or at least remembering that key phrase, that almost *poof* eliminated any annoying thought that came up, because they were hauntings of the past)

 

OK STOP TIME

Daniel…*don’t listen to anyone else’s perspective on what courage looks like, or what niceness is, or any of that other nonsensical bullshit.*  Because:

  1. A) They’re probably fucking wrong
  2. B) You’re playing a much different game than them.

 

 

“Until I decided to Take Command of this shithole attitude.”