July 6, 2019 New Computer

Yesterday I received in the mail my Razer Gaming Laptop.  I’m still freaking out about it, but it also seems like I am calming down more.

Freaking out because I fear so much falling into patterns of addiction, and losing all of the ground and work I have been doing on myself in the last couple of years.  I’ve also been *very* aversive to tech, (with the exception of such things as indoor plumbing, motorcycles, and electric guitars – those have been and always will be awesome).  Right now I have two candles lit next to me, so I wonder if that helps.

But yes, I do worry so much about “going outside” and working those monkish type skills of meditation, and eliminating distractions, and the like.  Although this morning, again, I am feeling relatively calm and in charge of my mind.  Maybe because I am still wondering how I want to proceed here – maybe I am more paying attention and respecting the device, and maybe somehow I am *not* getting sucked into it as an addiction.  And maybe it is less overwhelming.

Because I can remember just not too long ago, where looking at a computer, even one just at a college campus and trying to do some homework online, it was all way too overwhelming and I could barely function.  And since this has grown less, I do still worry that I may be losing my touch with a greater life, losing my touch with nature and sensitivity and feelings.  There was even this awful moment yesterday as I was looking at my razer and there were four different cords protruding from it, and I had this awful visual that that was my life now, blended in with the cords.

Anyways, I write this piece to share the fear, and also to offer hopeful tidings that this will not be the case, that the computer will not drive me into ruin, that it will actually help and assist me in my goals.  Which now that I think of this, this must be the case if I continue to set proper intentions, because with the proper intentions, I should look at the computer in that fashion, as a support system for the things I actually care about, as a tool to not be afraid of, like a saw or a gun.

P.S.  I would like to add that the main reasons I got it were because I want to delve into the realm of Vlogging, or Podcasting, or uploading video recordings of speeches, or Twitch streaming, and blogging…things of that nature because I think I can do well in that world, and because it is a form of employment that I would not hate, if I can achieve some sort of income from it.

 

P.P.S.  I have also been *deep breathing* for a little bit due to feeling shortness of breath last night and this morning, and more importantly I have been listening to “Time” from the Inception soundtrack, and that is one of the most soothing pieces of music I love.

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Bedtime Thoughts on Worship

Sometimes I’ll have great ideas in ‘inconvenient’ places or situations.  I say inconvenient because “Shit, I can’t really write this down right now!”

Or

“Shit I don’t want to write this down right now because _________ (I’m tired, drunk, high, etc.)”

Or even…

“Dude, you don’t have to write all this shit down….”

(haha that last one gets me…one of those that I still have some trust issues to deal with I suppose)

ANYWAYS

The idea went like this:

“WHY DO PEOPLE WORSHIP GOD?”  (Or The Universe, or Allah, or whatever it is that people worship, whatever special word you want to use.  I like God.  I grew up with it, and I haven’t seen/felt any sense in replacing it.  Maybe “Mystery” or “Divine” but whatever, now I’m rambling.)

Because…do you REALLY BELIEVE God (etc.) would WANT to be worshipped?

Think about it…who WANTS to be worshipped in everyday life?  (In LOTS, if not MOST, if not ALL of my questions about spiritual/magical/whatever natures, I tend to take my clues from the physical world)

= Your Stalins, your Maos, (I’m in a Chinese and Russian history classes right now, heh), your Kardashians, your Trumps (hehe).  “Look at my Trump-Penis-Gold-Brick-Tower!”

But your typical “greats?”  Did they ever give one flying fuck about whether people worshipped them or not?  NOT that I can imagine (unless some had a little bit of a Zoolander personality, in which case I imagine that is just FUN 🙂   (and insert something about not giving a rat’s ass to the “flattery of fools”)

NO.  If they had stuff to share with you (the world), then maybe they were just happy to do so, NO CREDIT NEEDED, because probably their ego wasn’t really there…

Isn’t HUMBLENESS supposed to be one of those great virtues?  If it really IS….and supposedly God is supposed to be higher up than the ordinary person on the Virtue list…..then Their (He/She/All/Whatever) HUMBLENESS ought to be a little taller than the twin towers.

(*OH SNAP* couldn’t help tossing in a lil’ morbid joke there, ha!)

Borrowing an example form Christianity (the language I’m most familiar with).  I can’t remember my homie Jesus ever saying “Bow town and grovel at my feet!”  Nah, dude even started out by WASHING others’ twinkle toes.

And of course He may have been OK with people laying down palms at his feet and calling him Lord…because why not?  Is he going to say “No, it’s NOT ok for you to be fond of me?”  Doubtful.

People (or whatever beings) that NEED to be worshipped…I imagine there has to be some vanity issues there…or insecurities….NOT traits you would give to an Almighty, eh?

OK….I’ve drilled this point home.  The only other thing I have to say, is maybe I need to re-evaluate what the word “Worship” means.  I DID get a little excited when I thought “Warship” LOL.  Whatever.  Go play with your own mind-thoughts now.

 

P.S.  As I was putting in some awesome #tags, I thought of the word “Idol Worship.”  -> “Don’t warship any idols, I say!” was one commandment.

Idol worship -> ok nevermind I lost it.  Maybe something like “Don’t even make ME an idol.  I just want to be your friend!”

Journal Entry of LOVE, DESIRE, and Field of Dreams

the following is from my journal:


Commander’s Log: Stardate 4APR2017

Field of Dreams

7:31am:  Last night, we watched “Field of Dreams,” and it was beautiful.  After it was over, I cried with the thought of “I’m doing my best.

Why did that set me to tears?

  • because no matter what I do, it seems to not be enough?
  • was it Spirit saying “I’m doing my best?”
  • am I in truth so hard on myself (subconsciously) that the tears over the thought came because of all the pressure I place on myself?

I did notice once again how un-relaxed I am, when I noticed how uneasy I was just leaning against my car smoking a cigarette…

“If you build it, he (they) will come.”

~ I DID have the *random* thought of Galen Urso (builder of the Death Star) this morning in the shower.  AND while watching Field of Dreams and smoking pot, I thought once again about ‘desire’ and how some spiritualists advocate getting rid of desire, but I said “OH…but when you’re a Creator, desire is important.”

Although, this morning, a.k.a. right now, I’m wondering about:

“Well, what if you just “Loved and/or enjoyed the thought of something,” and left “desire” OUT of the equation?

Because does ‘desire’ imply “intention to possess/have something?  Whereas ‘Loving‘ just Loves, just enjoys, whether it be “love doing whatever you’re doing,” or “love the thought or idea” of something?

And you don’t need to fear “but without desire, how do you act or do or pursue anything???”  because

Love moves the soul to act.”

So maybe I shall work toward and intend more to just Love thoughts/actions/perceptions, and see if I can spend MORE time doing that than “desiring” anything…

This strategy sounds pretty neat…