July 15, 2019 The Unfettered Mind Go Go Go

I’m recording a video for potential youtube use at the same time that I am writing in this blog and eating a pizza.  So you could this a transcript, but I am also curious to see where it goes.

Because in the past, I have often times very much enjoyed typing as I was focused on something else other than the words on the screen.  For example, I am now looking at my facial expression and actually I’m looking pretty sexy, almost like a Matthew Mcconahay (spelled that wrong) who just got out of the shower.

Very fucking refreshing shower it was too, because after my shift at Trackers, I was feeling fucked up again, in the head, hating on Portland and the Trackers job and anyone who i feel like i have to tap-dance my speech and self expression around because i may not be using their preferred words or behavior.  But shit……let me bow out of that direction and speech for now.

 

What I did want to talk about more importantly was the autopilot mode i’ve been on….ok I just finished the 5 minute video.  Eating pizza and talking and trying to type was becoming a little too much, but the top may be like a transcript.

I did lose a little focus in what I wanted to talk about, but I sort of finished the video with an intention, so I’ll finish this post with an intention.  Daniel…don’t lose yourself to hating on Portland because of some of the frustrations you experience with things like traffic, with things like some (or even if it’s many) of the people you have encountered.  You *could* even just look at it as the initial hurdles one has to get over when moving to a new place…like running the gauntlet in a fraternity.

Because this place of Portland *could* be fucking awesome.  You love the street lights.  You love the mornings and evenings, many of the parks, and the bridges.  There is still a lot of potential here, so please please please don’t lose yourself to the things that you are not liking.  Also anyone reading this of the physical or non-physical variety that could offer support or encouragement, I’d love to receive it.

Thank you.  /Bow.

March onward, Heroes, X-Men, etc.  You fucking rockstars.

P.S.  I did want to mention that where I currently am is really neat relative (generally my life fucking sucks so I stress *relative* here) compared to the last post, because i have been going more in the route of small choices and a more automated pace of go go go without much thought.  Similar to the “Unfettered Mind,” a Zen book that I was flipping through today.

P.P.S.  In addition to what I said above about Portland, it does seem to be a reoccurring pattern of mine is that I will go somewhere kinda neat or start something cool, and I’ll just focus on the shitty aspects until I hate the place and then want to move on.  I’m not quite sure how to change this, but it does seem like a very important battle of my life.

 

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July 8, 2019 Small Simple Choices

Small choices that are very simple is one thought I woke up with, but now I am almost uninterested in writing about it.

One thing about it that he wants to emphasize is this willingness to go into the unknown with little preparation “to see what happens.”  I have found that attitude to be most helpful as opposed to thinking that I need to do a whole bunch of stuff “to get ready” for something.  I want to include the quote here about “acting from a basic plan is better than not acting from a master plan,” or something like that, I don’t really remember how it goes, but whatever.  These small simple choices also support my ability to pursue reckless commitment, and retain flexibility.

 

P.S.  As I was typing this up, I think the quote is more along the lines of “a good plan today is better than a great plan tomorrow.”  Which may or may not actually support the idea I was focusing on.

July 6, 2019 New Computer

Yesterday I received in the mail my Razer Gaming Laptop.  I’m still freaking out about it, but it also seems like I am calming down more.

Freaking out because I fear so much falling into patterns of addiction, and losing all of the ground and work I have been doing on myself in the last couple of years.  I’ve also been *very* aversive to tech, (with the exception of such things as indoor plumbing, motorcycles, and electric guitars – those have been and always will be awesome).  Right now I have two candles lit next to me, so I wonder if that helps.

But yes, I do worry so much about “going outside” and working those monkish type skills of meditation, and eliminating distractions, and the like.  Although this morning, again, I am feeling relatively calm and in charge of my mind.  Maybe because I am still wondering how I want to proceed here – maybe I am more paying attention and respecting the device, and maybe somehow I am *not* getting sucked into it as an addiction.  And maybe it is less overwhelming.

Because I can remember just not too long ago, where looking at a computer, even one just at a college campus and trying to do some homework online, it was all way too overwhelming and I could barely function.  And since this has grown less, I do still worry that I may be losing my touch with a greater life, losing my touch with nature and sensitivity and feelings.  There was even this awful moment yesterday as I was looking at my razer and there were four different cords protruding from it, and I had this awful visual that that was my life now, blended in with the cords.

Anyways, I write this piece to share the fear, and also to offer hopeful tidings that this will not be the case, that the computer will not drive me into ruin, that it will actually help and assist me in my goals.  Which now that I think of this, this must be the case if I continue to set proper intentions, because with the proper intentions, I should look at the computer in that fashion, as a support system for the things I actually care about, as a tool to not be afraid of, like a saw or a gun.

P.S.  I would like to add that the main reasons I got it were because I want to delve into the realm of Vlogging, or Podcasting, or uploading video recordings of speeches, or Twitch streaming, and blogging…things of that nature because I think I can do well in that world, and because it is a form of employment that I would not hate, if I can achieve some sort of income from it.

 

P.P.S.  I have also been *deep breathing* for a little bit due to feeling shortness of breath last night and this morning, and more importantly I have been listening to “Time” from the Inception soundtrack, and that is one of the most soothing pieces of music I love.

Thoughts of Early Morning

(*author’s note* The Below is some stuff I was going through in the wee early morning hours 4am of 9/21/2017…AFTER I got out of bed…and I decided to post this based on one of my reasonings below…)

Some fuckin’ dream…about that I wanted to road trip to the North Carolina, but I didn’t know what the fuck I was going to do there.

 

And mom was going to follow me.  And I didn’t like that one bit.  (And now my gaze is drifted toward a can that says “Slap ya mama.”)—–if I become OK with weird or ‘evil’ or ‘mean’ looking thoughts, will that help open my mind to more ways of thinking?  EX – imagining slapping my mama?——

 

The thoughts as I tossed and turned in bed were fucking annoyingly painful (not real pain, but annoying annoying angry stupid shit), UNTIL I DECIDED TO TAKE COMMAND.

 

Then they quieted down and the only thing that echoed was my resounding conscious thoughts(‘Echo’ is the wrong word here, because actually there was no echo, just me slowly booming my directives)……..was I really *wanting* an Echo?  As if I were “wanting some kind of response?”  Wanting to get a reaction?  Reaction seeking? 

 

But another annoying thing in bed was how much it seemed I am just a ball of negativity, like…am I so feeling and thinking so negative so much of the time?

 

Also, after I read H’s text, I thought it best to ignore her.  (and not “her” specifically, but if someone says something I don’t like, then I don’t have to fucking respond).  Although the other fun idea (not with H’s text, but fun idea that popped up), the other fun idea was:

I can create a response I want to say.”

 

——————————————————————————————-

AND SOMEHOW PARTS OF ME THINKS THAT IS LESS HONEST THAN AUTOMATED “SAYING FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND???”

——————————————————————————————

                (Somehow, in some weird way…the *above* almost seems to imply it would be a *good*               practice to write for an audience…because then you are *more actively choosing responses* and       *choosing what you want to put out there*)

At least the forecast for the Full Moon coming up ‘seemed awright.’  And looking at the Astrology, there’s this reminder I guess of “You’re going through some shit…take it easy, dawg.  However you’re feeling is OK.”

 

Going Easy on Yourself ———-VS———*NOT* settling for this shithole life

                                                                                                …this shithole “attitude.” 

WHAT IS IT? 

———————————————————————————–

ANYWAYS…there *does* seem to be some sort of a shift, at least in the smallest recognizable way, of choosing things *not* because “I think it will get somewhere on the quest,”

but because “I don’t fucking feel like being that way,” or “I fucking feel like doing it, so I’m gonna do it.”  

                FOR EX.  Choosing to FIGHT, or CONSCIOUSLY DIRECT MY THOUGHTS, *NOT* to achieve some END, but because I’d rather FIGHT than WHINE/BITCH

                                I’d rather DIRECT my thoughts than listen to them run their fuckin’ mouths

————————————————————————————–

 

LET’S STOP HERE AND REFLECT/REVIEW.  NO NEED TO ADD TO ALL THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW.

 

P.S.  Ok, one last thing…still curious on focusing on this idea of “What would it be like to let go of the past?”  (And I noticed how focusing on that, or at least remembering that key phrase, that almost *poof* eliminated any annoying thought that came up, because they were hauntings of the past)

 

OK STOP TIME

Daniel…*don’t listen to anyone else’s perspective on what courage looks like, or what niceness is, or any of that other nonsensical bullshit.*  Because:

  1. A) They’re probably fucking wrong
  2. B) You’re playing a much different game than them.

 

 

“Until I decided to Take Command of this shithole attitude.”

How My Mind Works When I’m Restless But Ok

(The following is me sitting in acoffee shop….for about an hour, hour 15 min.?  Today was crazy, not in “shit happened crazy” but “energetically crazy” as in, “I NEED TO DO SHIT BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO” which is quite often where I am…but….well just read it slowly…..because I WROTE IT SLOWLY….that’s how it was meant).  Essentially, this is as close as you may get to inside my mind and how it works, when im focused on being aware).

—————————————————————————————————————————-

 

Q: What does your heart say?

 

(Is it as simple as: “Whatever you create with your thoughts, do it with love?”)

 

Q: Are you ok Daniel?

 

I’m FINE (said in an angry voice). 

 

What does it feel like?

 

Like…there’s something I *should* be doing…but I don’t know what…

 

Are you ok with not *shoulding* on yourself?

 

Yes…maybe…but I *wonder* if the NOT CREATING is the reason I’m restless like this…

 

But YOU DON’T KNOW THAT, right?  That is your assumption?

 

True…

 

I’m with you Daniel.

 

Thank you.

 

I wonder what she’s doing right now…

 

(Funny how that was kind of a nice thought, but then there were whispers that said “don’t worry about her!”  But…why not?  If that thought is pleasant?)

 

I wish I knew how I worked.

 

What if you did?

 

GOOD JOB on not going destructive.

 

Let’s go observer mode.

 

OK!

 

A part of you seems to be *scrambling*

(Which part?)

BECAUSE…I think we had this thought earlier…if you TRULY ARE IN COMMAND…THEN YOU CAN choose to sit here at the table in peace.

HAHA

 

The scrambling part…it’s got to be the one that thinks “Gotta do some shit!”

(…even though I KNOW it is best to NOT do shit, unless you do it out of LOVE)

 

This is why we take the cold showers…to see how it’s ok for the *scrambling* to take place…

 

I wonder if this is like when all that shit attacked the Buddha…and he sat there in his peace…

 

DARK HORSE!!!  Listening to music is actually quite awesome.

 

(Are we getting comfortable with this energy?  Instead of running from it?)

 

I’m calming down…and now “Sexy Back” is playing….HAHAHAHA……maybe I AM bringing “Sexy” (Me) back……

 

I think it IS good to go home tomorrow…the weather won’t be terrible.  And I think you’ll be more relaxed at home.  It’ll be really nice to see Heather I think.  As long as you keep your cool.

 

Ready for a chapter in “Game?”  haha.  After ALL, Daniel…we are NOT needing to *create create create!* haahhahhah……….NOT UNTIL WE HAVE OUR CENTER!!!!

 

(“Disturbia” – “feels like I’m going insane, yeah!”  hahhahahhahha I KNEW there was a reason I loved this song.)

 

“A disease of the mind, it can control you!”    LOLZ  fuuuuuuuuck THIS SONG……

 

***BONUS HINT for you fuckers (the readers)……..THERE IS A GOOD REASON FOR WHY YOU LOVE THE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE…….pay attention and get curious about it.

 

9:42pm  Now I’m maybe getting a little buzzed.  2nd beer and trollin’ some facebook, but it’s FUN.  Is DARK HORSE really on again?  Or was it a different song earlier?

 

9:43pm  OK….OMG it was E.T…….those songs ARE familiar so, please forgive me.  And as I thumbed through the songs I have listened to, I WANT to say “Fock…..time has SLOWED DOWN!”  But….I forgot I took a few minutes to troll facebook with the evil clown from Saw….hahahah.

 

10:05pm  Ok now I have to pee….let’s post this transcript.  BECAUSE!!!!!