August 5, 2019 Self Talk While Chopping Watermelon

(The following is a transcript I recorded of speaking to myself while chopping watermelons on August 5, 2019, around 9:00pm).

(*background meditation music with bells and chimes*)

Alright, we are recording now.  Live, with the Daniel in the Evening Show.  Pulling out some water.  Ice cubes.  To drink, and already feeling resistance, feeling resistance using my voice in this manner.  Because,  maybe because…does it just feel awkward?  Does it feel unnecessary?  Does it feel wrong?  Does it feel wrong doing it?  

Anyways, about to cut this watermelon here.  And the wrongness is not a factor because we are just warming up.  We are just practicing.  And focus now, bringing the focus now and cutting up this watermelon, and bringing the focus back to the notion that “A Solution Exists.”  A solution exists.  That is what I would like to talk about.  And stay in that realm of thought, and conversation for a while, and direct energy over there, because I am not satisfied, I am not satisfied with just allowing…um…continuing…let’s see what words we would use…this notion that, uh, that negative mentality…of everything being like that, and continuing on like that…this endless cycle of exhaustion and then repeat.  

So, let’s say that you don’t have to feel exhausted upon, upon leaving work, you don’t have to feel exhausted in the evening.  (*chop chop* noises).  Oh and this watermelon could take some time to slice.  That’s ok.  Slicing it into chunks, because that seemed like a good idea.  Easily snackable chunks.  Easily snackable chunks – just putting them in a ziploc baggie here.  

Um….the thoughts just drifted back to work (after a long pause of speech with only some chopping and moving sounds of the watermelon), and with that being said, you know, oh here we go – this is kinda fun to talk about.  

Ok I have been working at and dickering around with the idea of Twitch streaming and I guess that would be not so different, not so different than what I am doing right now.  Especially if we took the analogy of turning Life into a Game, then the Twitch broadcasting flows right there with it.  Right there with it.

And so the work, uh, I would love to have that not be exhausting.  And there could be a solution for that too.  Uh…a solution exists. And right now as I speak those words, and right now for the first time since starting this recording session, I am aware of my voice and the words I am saying…Isn’t that fascinating?!  (*Voice begins to pick up in earnest, motivation, changes tone from flat to more inspired*)  

That’s super fascinating.  Let’s see.  We’re at 7 minutes and 35 seconds, and in that time, just now, after seven minutes and thirty-five seconds, I am finally consciously aware of my voice and my speech.  

How crazy is that?  How crazy.  And that’s good, see.  Here’s another good thing that I would love to mention right now.  Is that I started this whole piece quite awkward.  Rewind it to the very beginning, and you’ll see how I was feeling like “What the fuck am I doing?”  You’ll see how I was just recording and was just going to push through and call it a warmup, and it is exactly just what the fuck that was, and so, right now, maybe, and you can hear I am starting to get a little more artistic and emotional with my speech here, and this is fuckin’ fantastic, this is good shit.  I am starting to enjoy this – even if we are not staying on a perfect topic, these ideas are still floating around this space and the ether for example, for example I remember how we started with a solution exists, that he does not have to be exhausted getting off work, and one of the examples that I had for that was a weird one, I say weird because it seems weird in my mind, of playing Final Fantasy 6 when he gets off work, some kind of continued process, of movin to the next step, moving to the next stage, and this, and this uh…that was a good idea and in and of itself, and we want to give a little hooti hoot energy too, and stay there a little bit.

And I’ll tell you what, what is so cool what I’m doing right now, what I’m doing righ now is so cool because of what I’m not doing right now, and what I’m not doing right now is not allowing mindless chatter to go on in my mind.  I am not allowing that.  I am dis-allowing that.  And that is a bare minimum of what is going on right now.  Of course there is meditation music in the background and we are chopping watermelons, but what also is going on right now is playing with conscious voice and every once in a while, for example right now when I said every once in a while, becoming aware of my own voice and how I am speaking these things.

So the awareness that I am using is shifting between the ideas I am playing with, versus shifting to how I am manipulating my voice.  Not quite that so much, but more observing and hearing the words come out of my mouth as I am speaking them.  And for now I think I am going to rest this speech, and I may pick it up again in a second.  

But we’ve reached 12 and a half minutes, and that’s badass.  I’m going to put this whole transcript of recording on my blog.

Advertisements

July 6, 2019 New Computer

Yesterday I received in the mail my Razer Gaming Laptop.  I’m still freaking out about it, but it also seems like I am calming down more.

Freaking out because I fear so much falling into patterns of addiction, and losing all of the ground and work I have been doing on myself in the last couple of years.  I’ve also been *very* aversive to tech, (with the exception of such things as indoor plumbing, motorcycles, and electric guitars – those have been and always will be awesome).  Right now I have two candles lit next to me, so I wonder if that helps.

But yes, I do worry so much about “going outside” and working those monkish type skills of meditation, and eliminating distractions, and the like.  Although this morning, again, I am feeling relatively calm and in charge of my mind.  Maybe because I am still wondering how I want to proceed here – maybe I am more paying attention and respecting the device, and maybe somehow I am *not* getting sucked into it as an addiction.  And maybe it is less overwhelming.

Because I can remember just not too long ago, where looking at a computer, even one just at a college campus and trying to do some homework online, it was all way too overwhelming and I could barely function.  And since this has grown less, I do still worry that I may be losing my touch with a greater life, losing my touch with nature and sensitivity and feelings.  There was even this awful moment yesterday as I was looking at my razer and there were four different cords protruding from it, and I had this awful visual that that was my life now, blended in with the cords.

Anyways, I write this piece to share the fear, and also to offer hopeful tidings that this will not be the case, that the computer will not drive me into ruin, that it will actually help and assist me in my goals.  Which now that I think of this, this must be the case if I continue to set proper intentions, because with the proper intentions, I should look at the computer in that fashion, as a support system for the things I actually care about, as a tool to not be afraid of, like a saw or a gun.

P.S.  I would like to add that the main reasons I got it were because I want to delve into the realm of Vlogging, or Podcasting, or uploading video recordings of speeches, or Twitch streaming, and blogging…things of that nature because I think I can do well in that world, and because it is a form of employment that I would not hate, if I can achieve some sort of income from it.

 

P.P.S.  I have also been *deep breathing* for a little bit due to feeling shortness of breath last night and this morning, and more importantly I have been listening to “Time” from the Inception soundtrack, and that is one of the most soothing pieces of music I love.

Consistency and Amma, June 5, 2019

Recently when I purchased a ‘Gaming Laptop,’ this big black clunky piece of hardware that was a seeming mixture of something large and clunky, or military-grade tech.  (Either way it felt awful just having it in my house for a few hours, so I returned it), BUT

recently when I was working at getting this Gaming Laptop, a store clerk gave me a speech about consistency because I had let on that I was thinking about doing some Twitch channel (that thing where you record yourself playing a video game and people watch it, I guess as if you are the announcer AND the player of the game, which is kind of interesting to think about right now…maybe we should go into this later?),BUT

for the Twitch channel, or a Youtube channel, or anything where I would put myself on the internet as some celebrity entertainer and get money for it, she recommended consistency consistency consistency.

Ordinarily this term scares me, and I think my aversion to it is one thing that seems to severely impede my growth towards awesome epicness (fucking ICK….I almost wrote ‘personal growth’ or ‘growth as an individual’ but let’s get fucking REAL here….that kind of shit is not only annoying, but it is severely *boring*.  Let’s get back to awesome epicness).

The *caveat* though, is that either this girl who told me about consistency or someone else brought up the very important and relevant point that: Even though you are doing the same shit, it is *not* going to be the same every time.

BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO IMPROVE, YOU ARE GOING TO GET BETTER.  YOU ARE GOING TO LEARN DIFFERENT THINGS, TUNE AND REFINE.

With that being said, I write this post as an intention that I can get more consistent with publishing things.  Because it seems like a good idea to get myself toward an individualized income, AND to get my VOICE out there more so I don’t keep it shut in and quiet while everyone else is poisoning the frequencies.

And I’m in Washington.  Seeing Amma tomorrow.  Yay.