July 6, 2019 New Computer

Yesterday I received in the mail my Razer Gaming Laptop.  I’m still freaking out about it, but it also seems like I am calming down more.

Freaking out because I fear so much falling into patterns of addiction, and losing all of the ground and work I have been doing on myself in the last couple of years.  I’ve also been *very* aversive to tech, (with the exception of such things as indoor plumbing, motorcycles, and electric guitars – those have been and always will be awesome).  Right now I have two candles lit next to me, so I wonder if that helps.

But yes, I do worry so much about “going outside” and working those monkish type skills of meditation, and eliminating distractions, and the like.  Although this morning, again, I am feeling relatively calm and in charge of my mind.  Maybe because I am still wondering how I want to proceed here – maybe I am more paying attention and respecting the device, and maybe somehow I am *not* getting sucked into it as an addiction.  And maybe it is less overwhelming.

Because I can remember just not too long ago, where looking at a computer, even one just at a college campus and trying to do some homework online, it was all way too overwhelming and I could barely function.  And since this has grown less, I do still worry that I may be losing my touch with a greater life, losing my touch with nature and sensitivity and feelings.  There was even this awful moment yesterday as I was looking at my razer and there were four different cords protruding from it, and I had this awful visual that that was my life now, blended in with the cords.

Anyways, I write this piece to share the fear, and also to offer hopeful tidings that this will not be the case, that the computer will not drive me into ruin, that it will actually help and assist me in my goals.  Which now that I think of this, this must be the case if I continue to set proper intentions, because with the proper intentions, I should look at the computer in that fashion, as a support system for the things I actually care about, as a tool to not be afraid of, like a saw or a gun.

P.S.  I would like to add that the main reasons I got it were because I want to delve into the realm of Vlogging, or Podcasting, or uploading video recordings of speeches, or Twitch streaming, and blogging…things of that nature because I think I can do well in that world, and because it is a form of employment that I would not hate, if I can achieve some sort of income from it.

 

P.P.S.  I have also been *deep breathing* for a little bit due to feeling shortness of breath last night and this morning, and more importantly I have been listening to “Time” from the Inception soundtrack, and that is one of the most soothing pieces of music I love.

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