Yesterday I wrote a page in my notebook that I thought about putting to the blog. I wrote it while out for a walk at Seaside, one of my favorite beaches. It was done in a more observational, reflective tone with lots of pause and space in between. Also I think it’s relevant to add that the tone [or lens of perception] I wrote in was “sad & depressing.”
July 28, 2019
6:08pm: I found the perfect little secluded place to watch the ocean.
Someone has done some good work here – it reminds me of Tom Cruise’s cabin in Oblivion.
Pretty little fat bumblebee wandering on the bush.
I don’t want to go back to Portland.
I wanted to write: “How the fuck am I supposed to write without coffee, cigarettes, and alcohol?”
Not that I ever wanted to be a writer. I’m not quite sure how I fell into doing it, but it does seem like he became quite reliant on those written words.
So much of the journey, and guidance from spirit still seems to indicate that it should be easy and that I keep fucking up.
I really like this spot.
Fairly pleasant Pisces Moon today (23 degrees right now), but holy fuck did I ever wake up exhausted. Woke up at 7am. Wasn’t until about noon at Denny’s that I was telling the cashier that I woke up exhausted at 7am and it was only about now, noon, that I was starting to wake up (and this after a big glass of coffee, or 1.5 glasses). Now I note the discussion was pretty fun because he didn’t seem to care too much, which I do want to get better at enjoying talking someone’s ear off when they don’t care to listen. I think it could grow into an incredible art form (as opposed to me keeping silent and afraid to express anything).
Even though exhausted, I was pretty proud of myself for not trying too hard to generate some energy for ________ [nothing]. IT’S OK TO JUST BE EXHAUSTED. The big win came when I told myself “Hey dawg, you don’t really have to do anything except be at work by 2:30pm tomorrow, and do some Core today.” That’s generally a pretty positive thought, the “You don’t really have to be doing anything,” except taking care of my back, because that seems to require constant conscious attention and focus.
…well also keeping up with the conscious attention and focus, because that can easily slide in negative directions too….
ANYWAYS…Did a great hike yesterday to recover from the failed attempt at festival camping. That fuckin’ hurt. I found Ape Cave tho, a place near Mt. St. Helen’s, which is a pretty volcano. Nice area, stumbled upon a few magical glades. The cave was awesome, and was even very ok doing it solo because there were many other tourists in the cave trekking through the longness, so it kind of felt like we were all on sort of a quasi-team. Which would be neat if it were more like that for humanity.
If we could adopt the mindset and mentality more that we are all just trekking through this dark cave together carrying small flashlights or lanterns or wearing headlamps.
P.S. I forget that I am still very much in recovery I think, from how much of a disaster the festival seemed like.
This morning as I did some of my writings and meditations, I noticed that I am presently growing more fond of this observational stance, and enjoying the “non-attached” feeling and way of looking at things.
I want to go into more depth here, because I think this idea of “non-attachment” has been blown way out of proportion and is very misleading, at least from where I have traditionally viewed it. Because the feeling I am learning more recently to enjoy more is Yoda’s version of non-attachment when he refers to Luke’s impatience as “Always his mind on the future, and never on where he was, and what he was doing.” Because I am finding so much interest in value in the focus on what it is I am actually doing. This goes into opposition from my usual stance of the “longing for bigger things,” which that focus of energy so frequently just *destroys* me.
Got lost into the world of distractions a little this morning, but not so much that I couldn’t get out of it with some 10 minute focused writings and enjoy those, especially enjoy the process of how they were bringing me back into a whole realm of focus.
Now it’s time for some breakfast – eggs and oatmeal, followed by a pleasant day of finishing up some writing papers. First day of training work tomorrow.
Also P.S. watched the Netflix film ‘Mother’ last night, which was pretty neat in many regards, except I think it seemed like they couldn’t figure out what to do with the ending…or at least I didn’t get it.
P.P.S. While flipping through some OKCupid profiles, I once again am at this confusing stance of looking at the girls as some whole grouping, or the choice of looking at them as individuals. It’s a difficult dynamic. Of course the grouping is useful in a psychological way, because they are all prone to that, but the individual is cool in a Soul kind of way, but the second you *think* that is more prevalent, you will get body slammed. Interesting anyways.